The 5 Biggest Johnsons in TV and Movies
From the aptly titled Hung, starring Thomas Jane, to Ashton Kutcher’s new manly-sized Two and Half Men nude debut, it takes a big actor to play a character known for his over-sized penis.
The Daily Beast took a look at all the biggest packages in pop culture, and we’ve hand selected the five funniest, hugest, and hottest well-endowed men of TV shows and films you can’t help but remember.
Because, hey, any size queen will tell you, there’s nothing like a really big one.
In no particular order (if only we could get real measurements for some sort of scale), here are the five biggest dicks in TV and movies.
Ray Drecker, Hung (HBO)
Thomas Jane fills out the role as a divorced dad of two, who works as a history teacher and baseball coach. After a huge problem erupts (a fire destroys his home), Ray decides to cash in on his god-given gift: a huge dong. Ray becomes a popular male prostitue, repeatedly thrilling his middle-aged clientele with his big stick. A new escort, Jason (Stephen Amell), who is packing just as much in the pants, emerges in the new season to threaten Ray’s reign.
Walden Schmidt, Two and a Half Men (CBS)
Ashton Kutcher obviously needed to make a big splash in his debut on TV’s number one comedy. Overshadowing any semblance of former warlock star, Charlie Sheen, Kutcher’s dot-com billionaire Schmidt spent the entire first episode walking around naked. Apparently, his suicidal single man character has no qualms about nudity, even hugging strangers while in the buff. Alan finds himself understandably fixated on Schmidt’s stick, exclaiming he’s “hung like an elephant” and admits that he can’t stop thinking about it. Now, neither can we. He even continued the nudity on Ellen.
Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights
The biggest and most memorable penis prosthetic ever made movie history in Paul Thomas Anderson’s 1997 film Boogie Nights. Perfectly embodied with naivety, enthuse, and- it has to be said- some serious raw sexual energy, Mark Wahlberg’s performance almost overshadowed the gigantic dick that made the adult actor a star. The quiet yet climactic reveal of Diggler’s enormous package comes near the end of the film, when he looks in a mirror. The epic prosthetic would be forever etched in our minds after this legendary moment in male on screen nudity.
Bart, Blazing Saddles
In Mel Brooks' satirical comedy-western classic, Bart (Cleavon Little), who has been named sherriff, is being seduced by German sexpot Lili von Shtupp (Madeline Kahn). She says, “Tell me, schatze, is it twue what they say about the way you people are... gifted?” She unzips him, and exclaims, “Oh, it's twue. It's twue. It's twue, it's twue!”
Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen
Pretty much everyone saw this Zack Snyder movie for the same reason: Billy Crudup’s giant blue sausage. Named after the Manhattan Project, his character Dr. Jonathan Osterman is transformed into a blue, God-like creature and spends nearly the entire film walking around naked, flaunting his massive, glowing member. How could we not stare?
For more great members of TV and Movies, check out the complete list of 13 big boys on The Daily Beast.