You Are Not Ready For the Real-Life Elmo Sex Memoir

By: Daniel Villarreal

Elmo — Sesame Street's furry red monster — probably feels like Oscar the Grouch these days considering that three young men have now come forward accusing Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash of statuatory rape.

First, there was Sheldon Stephens, the weirdo who said that his lie about Clash molesting him was actually true (lame). Then there was Cecil Singleton, the guy who claimed that Elmo "dry-humped" him.

Now there's John Doe (not his real name, obviously), who not only claims that he and Elmo did it, but who has also written a creepy book about it, the likes of which his attorney read aloud in a bizarre press conference earlierthis week:

In Chapter 11: “Tickled my heart,” the accuser said he and Clash stopped short of intercourse when he was just 16, but they still went far.

“When we first met I was 16 and there was no intercourse; however lots of heavy kissing and he showed me what it felt like to get on your knees and obey your man,” according to the unpublished text.

“Mr Tickler is what I will call him and the game we played was father and son.”

The aspiring author wrote that he vividly recalled spotting an Emmy at Clash’s Upper West Side apartment.

“I noticed that he had an Emmy on his shelf that I thought could not be real, because I knew every black man who had an Emmy so I thought. I really just scoped his place out and acted very calm,” the accuser wrote.

“On our first night I did not lose my virginity; however I learned what it felt like to have a man kiss you and take your breath away.”

Mr. Tickler? Really??! Could you be any creepier? And the Harlequin romance lines about "obeying your man" and "having your breath taken away" would be hilarious, if they weren't also destroying a guy's career.

Mr. Clash's attorney said that the most recent claims against him are without merit, and if Mr. Clash did break the law, that's awful.

But if he didn't and John Doe's claims are just a cheap attempt to hawk a degrading tell-all about "Mr. Tickler," that's some trash that not even Oscar the Grouch would touch.