Deeper Conversations on First & Second Dates

Dear Margie,

I think there might be something wrong with me. For the past few years I have been actively searching for a good relationship to no success. I have no problem finding people and this makes me think the problem has something to do with me.

I keep myself in decent shape, I know I have looks that are 'good enough' and my dating etiquette is passable. I can find someone who is interested and we date for a while— a week, maybe a month—and nothing happens. It just dies. The entire relationship goes belly-up. There is always something wrong with them to stop them from becoming someone I can deeply care about. And because I lack this feeling, I don't pursue the relationship as actively as I once did, and things flat-line.

I keep telling myself that eventually I'll find someone who will work out. My closest friend has been in a relationship for a year, is completely happy, and I keep falling short. Am I looking in the wrong places? Meeting the wrong people? Or is the problem where I think it is? Am I too judgmental? If I want a relationship do I have to stop looking for the self-confident Abercrombie model and just grab the next guy that comes along before it's too late? If I can just know what I can expect to find, I won't give up until I find it.

Thanks,
Jay

Dear Jay,

I don’t think this is about your looks or their looks. This is about something deeper.

When people come to me in my office and say they’re not connecting, and it’s outwardly focused about the other person and their faults, I know the issue is really with them. They’re not being vulnerable to the people they’re dating. They’re looking for the person to always reflect something positive about them, rather than being curious about the other person.

Relationships are obviously a two way street, but when it comes to vulnerability it goes deeper. When someone says something about who they are, it’s absolutely necessary for the listener to reflect upon what that means to him, his past experiences, what he feels physically and emotionally about the information that was revealed to him. If this does not happen there will never be an emotional connection.

Say for example you’re Frank and the guy you’re on a date with is Tim. Your date, Tim, reveals that he has a hard day at work. At this moment, Frank must respond from a thoughtful feeling place, a reflective place inside of himself, like, “Wow, I want to hear more about that. I had a bad day three weeks ago, myself.”

Two things happened in this scenario. First, Frank told Tim he’s interested what's going on with Tim in a deeper way. Tim now will be open to exploring his feelings about his rough day at work with a sense of reassurance that Frank is really interested on him. Secondly, Frank gave Tim the message that after listening to Tim's story about his rough day, will talk about his own experience about having rough day. Now we have the beginning of sharing experiences, emotions, and where the meaning is for each one of them. These are points for deeper connection and building a vulnerable, trusting, intimate, hot relationship.

So for your particular case, here are some questions you might want to ask yourself in order to develop deeper conversations on first and second dates.

Do you dominate a conversation and make it mostly about you?

Do you have expectations that the other person be overly interested or centered on you?

When a date makes a statement about himself, do you reflect upon it and ask him to go deeper? Are you truly curious?

The best conversation starter on a date is, “Tell me more about you.” So with that in mind, your medicine for future dates is to be curious and empathetic. These questions can be your jumping off point. Only through deeper and meaningful conversations can a chance for commitment develop.

Margie Mirell, LMFT and life coach, has been working in private practice with the LGBT community in Santa Monica, California for more than 20 years. She focuses on relationship issues, addictions, and co-dependency.

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