Dating 101 Gay.com

Dating Wisdom: From Tops to Bottoms

By: Justin Hernandez
3.1.2014

I thought it would be a great idea to start a weekly advice column and answer readers’ questions about sex and dating. I want this to be the forum where you can turn to and send in those burning questions that are on your mind. You know — the ones you might not want to discuss with friends or your partner. Think of me as your gay “Dear Abby.” Do you have a question? Don’t be shy. Just ask!

  • When you’re in a committed relationship, what should the normal, healthy number be when it comes to how often you’re having sex?


- Desperately Seeking Normal

Well, studies that have been done on this subject indicate that most couples are having sex two to three times a week. However, keep in mind that this information is based off of surveys, and let’s keep it real: People are usually never completely honest when it comes to revealing private information about their sex lives.

The important thing to keep in mind is that the word “normal” should not exist in your vocabulary when it comes to defining your relationship. It implies that you are trying to subscribe to a standard that most likely doesn’t exist. “Healthy” is a good goal, but again, remember that the template for that is not universal — especially when it comes to sex. If you or your partner get to a point where one of you feel like the sex is not happening often enough, that’s definitely something that needs to be communicated and worked out between the two of you.
 

  • I’m a successful, incredibly funny, incredibly fit, very young looking, 50-year-old man. I also have an eight year old son, whom I adopted by myself, when he was two. The bulk of my friends are straight parents, and while they’re a lot of fun to hang out with, I feel like I need to get serious about dating again. I’ve tried a couple of Internet dating sites, but I was not terribly impressed. I have been single for six years and have no idea where to meet guys (especially guys who would even want to date a guy with a child) … and then there’s dating. How do you do that now? HELP!


- Dad but not a Daddy

Online dating is not for everyone. It also sounds like you have no interest in hanging out in the bar and club scene either since you have daily dad duties to attend to. My suggestion would be to seek out your local LGBT Center and see if there are any support groups for gay parents. Do some additional research and try to find out if there are any meet-ups for gay dads in your area as well. Even if the majority of gay parents you meet are partnered, this will help widen your social circle and set up a nice alternative support system from the straight parents you are friends with. Besides, couples are an untapped resource when it comes to meeting potential dates. They might know of a few eligible bachelors that they could introduce you to. Good luck!
 

  • My partner and I haven’t been intimate for weeks, but recently I noticed some of his underwear had semen stains in the crotch area while I was doing laundry. We haven’t had sex in a while. Should I worry about this?


- Underwear Inspector

I know it’s easy to jump to conclusions, but try to keep an open mind. Maybe he’s in the habit of watching porn in his office and can’t do a proper clean up after he takes care of business, thus resulting in the semen-soiled skivvies. I’m not saying that’s the case, but you can’t speculate because your mind will play tricks on you.

If this is something you notice frequently while on laundry duty and are worried about it then you need to address the situation. Just try not to come off as someone who already suspects wrongdoing. It will put him immediately on the defense and your conversation will most likely escalate into an argument. Approach the subject as honestly as possible, and depending on his response, you’ll know how to proceed. Remember, our instincts never fail us. Oftentimes, it’s the other way around.
 

  • I’ve been a top for all the years I’ve been sexually active, but have recently become interested in bottoming. I’m a little scared because this is new territory for me. The idea of putting myself in a submissive position to another man is overwhelming, and I don’t even know how to go about preparing for the experience. I do want to see what it feels like. Any tips on how to proceed?


- Reluctant Bottom

First of all, let me address the most common misconception about topping and bottoming: Being one (or both) of these positions doesn’t make you superior or inferior to the other person. Anybody who subscribes to that belief is a slave to outdated perceptions of masculinity.

I highly recommend using an enema before the big moment. You know from your own dealings as a top that no man enjoys a messy/dirty bottom, so you should show up to the party prepared. Besides, the cleaning process will get you used to inserting a foreign object up your ass, something I’m guessing you’re unfamiliar with. When you finally get down to the actual act of being penetrated, the best tip I could give you is start out with just the tip. Trying to take in too much too soon will result in an awful first time experience.

 

If you have a question, send it to [email protected]

JUSTIN HERNANDEZ writes about sex, dating, and relationships for The Advocate and Gay.net. Follow him on Twitter @HernandezJustin.

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