Guy Talk: Spill The T On Your Worst Date Ever
A spring fling, a summertime boyfriend, a warm wintery snuggler... we've all sought a perfect guy for all seasons. But often our potential Prince Charmings turn out to be toads.
Did the guy ditch you at a party? Ransack your bedroom? Fart loudly at a quiet candle light dinner? Did you end up puking on his shoes? Sleeping on a smelly kitchen floor?
Tell us and we'll share the best of the worst with everyone!
To get you inspired, let me tell you about Roger.
Roger was a tall, bearded brunette who liked yoga, prepared his own vegetarian food and regularly ran in triathlons. He had a very sexy online profile with tasteful pictures of his toned bod in progressive states of undress.
When I found out he spoke Japanese and wore briefs... wowee zowee! I couldn't wait to meet.
We met at a small, crowded coffeeshop where I hoped we could get to know each other better. The pictures on his profile must have been 10 years old because he didn't look anything like the fit dude I saw online.
He had a paunch, a balding forehead and cat hair on his dark sweater. What looked like freckles in the pictures turned out to be acne. He wasn't super unattractive, I just felt cheated... like I had gone in to test drive a new car just to find out that it had bad breaks and a flat tire.
We began talking about Japan and our favorite music. Each time mentioned a band I liked, he'd butt in and say things like, "Oh Poe's basically just a ripoff of Garbage and Suzanne Vega." When we discussed our favorite sushi he said, "Oh, you've never had blowfish sashimi? Well it definitely beats every other sushi you've ever tasted."
After about an hour of conversation, it felt like I was in a pissing contest with Roger, he always trying to one-up or take-down everything I liked. And while I admired his intelligence, I wanted to knock the sugar bowl into his book bag and ask, "Do you have to disagree with everything that I say?"
Another thing—his breath smelled. Like, really really bad.
I kept looking at his teeth to see if they looked extra yellow or had bleedy gums or moss coming out between them. But they were near perfect... mockingly perfect. I wondered if he had halitosis or if he just didn't floss.
I stopped breathing through my nose mid-way through our date.
At the end, I agreed to drop him off at his house around the corner and he angled for a kiss. I, like a fool, gave him one. He held my face and with two hands like a melon and kissed me like a hungry German Shepherd licking his bowl for every last bit of food.
I had to push away and say, "Whoa there! Whoa! Okay..."
I ended up walking home a little quicker so I could gargle mouthwash and scrub his scent off my my face. And for the next few weeks I ignored his increasingly angry calls and texts for the next few weeks, prince that I am.
Admittedly, I have gone on other bad dates that involve a guy who thought he was God's gift to gaydom, another one where I was so drunk I couldn't get it up and one that involved a horribly clogged and overflowing toilet before we even left the house.
We'll share the best of the worst with our readers.