Dear Richard: It's Not Me, It's You

Dear Richard,

I see this guy once and awhile and when we do meet up we have great sex. Then when I text him the next day or a day later he acts aloof. But if I see him out and about he'll want to have sex again.

He tells his roommates that I'm just a trick to him, but when we are with each other it sure doesn’t seem that way.

What’s his problem? Or am I the one with the problem?

Wanting More

Dear Wanting,

Sorry to say this—because you sound like a good, genuine guy—but you’re the one with the problem here. This guy never said he wanted to date, and you actually know that he refers to you as a trick. This means you’re a trick.

That said, you’re not the only dude who runs into situations like this. Gay male culture places a lot of importance on sex, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Sex is important, it should be amazing, and it’s an integral part of any relationship. So if we meet a great guy but find out he’s a bad lay, chances are good we won’t call him back.

The problem is when we attach too much value to good sex.

Some guys really know how to give themselves over during sex. They enjoy it completely, both physically and emotionally, and that can bring out our best as well. However, since we don’t always find that connection in every man we meet, and if we’re longing to have a partner who satisfies us on those multiple levels, then we sometimes form a one-sided emotional attachment.

Here’s the deal: Not all guys want a relationship. Some are totally cool with just having a close group of friends for their emotional needs and some hot, sexy hookups to fulfill their other wants. If you’re the man lucky enough to get in on that action and can handle that it won't go any deeper than a purely physical relationship, then congrats.

But it sounds like you're not good with that arrangement. That means you need to get an answer from this guy himself. So the next time you hook up, enjoy yourself, and when it’s over ask if he’d be interested in a date. Pay attention to his response. If he says "no" then you know the truth and can move on. However, he may say yes to be polite but not really want to do it, and you’ll probably be able to tell by his enthusiasm (or lack thereof) if you’re honest with yourself. Don’t try to project your interest onto his answer because that’ll just leave you feeling hurt in the long run.

It's true that this guy’s attitude may change over time. It may change back again, too. But for now you have to trust that what he’s telling you is the truth. If you can handle that relationship then enjoy, but if you need more then you’re better off moving on.

Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. You try this stuff out, you do it of your own free will. He does, however, love Madonna songs. He's also happy to answer your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.

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