Dear Richard: HIV - When to Ask, When to Tell

Dear Richard,

I'm HIV positive.  I've been dating this guy for about two months. He's 25, I'm 28, and I assume he’s HIV negative.

He's amazing. He's so full of life, so exciting to be around, and totally not jaded like a lot of other guys in New York. We met through mutual friends, would hang out with everyone in the group, but then started seeing each other. It soon became clear we were dating.

Then last night we hooked up for the first time. It was so spontaneous and so right, but as it was happening I just didn't have the heart to say anything. I was scared—to ruin what was growing between us, or to have that group of friends possibly find out about me. It was just nice to be dating someone and not think about it for a while.

Now I’m worried I’ve messed everything up. I feel like I should have said something sooner, but because I didn’t I worry he’s going to hate me for it, or feel betrayed or something. What do I do?

Hurting My Honey

Dear Hurting,

Let’s preface this whole response by acknowledging that Dear Richard is HIV-negative. As such, he is compassionate for what you’re going through, but can’t give first-person experienced advice on how he would respond if he were in your shoes. What he can do, however, is let you know how he’d feel if he were in Honey’s shoes.

Yes, you may have risked something by staying quiet, but if he’s as cool as you say he is, then all is not lost.

Yours isn’t an easy admission. Dear Richard knows this and would be able to look past this first incident if you admitted the truth right away. The best course of action is verbalizing to Honey what you’ve said in the letter above. Tell him you like him, explain why, and let him clearly know you value and care about him. If you hope this relationship will go further, let him know that as well. Then tell him about your status and explain why you withheld the info. Apologize for that. Then be willing to hear his feelings and answer any questions he may have about the situation. Understand that he might not have many questions during the first conversation, so don’t think everything is right in the world if he wants to chat after having had time to think about it.

If it works out, great. If not, understand exactly why it didn’t. Some guys just can’t handle dating an HIV-positive man, and if that’s why he breaks it off then let it go; that’s his issue, not yours. If he breaks it off because of the secrecy, well, then maybe you’ve both learned something from the experience.

As for your friends finding out, if you don’t want them knowing then ask him to respect your privacy. Again, if he’s cool he should be willing to do that.

This now raises a larger question: When do you tell a date or trick that you’re HIV positive?

Pre-marriage, Dear Richard would always go into sexual situations assuming that every guy could potentially have something— crabs, Chlamydia, HIV, whatever. Dear Richard took the responsibility upon himself to play safe. Dear Richard likes to believe that if he was positive he’d tell a potential sex partner the truth before he got down to business, but people always have the best intentions before hooking up, so there’s no real way of knowing.

Because this is a very personal subject, some men feel like they don't need to tell the other man unless it's going to form into a serious relationship. Dear Richard understands this, so if a man wanted to date he would need to be honest right away—if not on the first encounter then quickly thereafter. A long-term relationship is built on trust, compassion, understanding, support and, of course, love. But you can’t have those things if the foundation starts with secrets or lies. Even if there was a very legitimate fear or worry behind that secret, it would still prevent Dear Richard from ever trusting this man as much as he would need.

Obviously this is a larger conversation, as people on both sides will have their own thoughts on the matter.  So let’s open things up. Answer the poll question below, then leave a comment at the bottom.