Dear Richard: You Are a Whore, Darlin'
By: Dear Dick
2.1.2012
Dear Richard,
All my friends are either dating or in relationships, and I'm feeling left out. We used to all go out together, and now they want to have people over for movie nights and dinners. That's cool and I enjoy it, but I still want to go out, meet guys and have fun—and by "have fun" I do mean hooking up now and then.
I was venting about all this to one of these couples the other day, and my friend said I needed to stop whoring around if I wanted to have a boyfriend. I don't see myself as being a slut. My thought is that I just want to know if the guy's any good in bed before I settle down and marry him. I can't imagine falling for a guy, being totally into him, committing to him and then discovering he's boring in bed. My thinking is that when I finally find the right guy, that's when I'll stop cruising, but being "the right guy" also means being good at sex.
What do you think? Should I give up playing around with random guys in order to find a boyfriend?
Time to be Good?
Dear Good,
There's such a sexual dichotomy in modern culture. People who enjoy sex are still considered “sluts,” serial monogamists are considered “normal,” and both groups use the same kind of pejorative language to compartmentalize others. But the truth—and everyone knows it—is that life isn’t as simple as he's a whore and the other guy's a saint.
Having sex is part of what makes you human. It’s also part of building relationships. Sometimes these relationships are purely sexual. Sometimes they’re one-shot encounters. And, yes, sometimes the sex leads to longer-lasting relationships. But the bigger question is this: Do you really want a boyfriend right now?
For the most part, all of us eventually want to couple up, but there's nothing wrong with being single and enjoying that part of your life right now. Hell, if that's what brings you joy and you've got a strong support network of family and friends in all other areas of your life, you could (in theory) continue playing around for the rest of your life. There's no law that says you must be in a relationship. So in this case, perhaps what you're missing isn't a boyfriend, but the fun and friendship you felt with your core group of buddies when you were all single. That's the main thing that's changed in your life, so maybe what you're really missing are the old days, and you're interpreting those feelings as missing / wanting / needing a boyfriend.
The hard truth is that you may need to meet some new wingmen for your cruising nights out. It doesn't mean you're leaving those old friends behind, it just means you're moving on to new things just like they have. Remember, friendships grow and change, with new ones added in that can also enrich our lives. So be open to that evolution.
Above all, if you're having fun right now and not hurting yourself or anyone else in the process, then keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy your time until you become bored with it, and then decide if you want to settle down. If not, then don't. And whatever path you take stop calling yourself a "slut" because that kind of language does nothing for the soul.
Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.
Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.
Club Images: Brendan-John for MJ's Silver Lake
Comments
who are you? CAN YOU HELP?
a whore is a whore is a whore !!
ur wrong......if ur single ur free to sleep with who ever you wish and if u have a man close ur leg but nobody should be label as a whore we all have sexual needs, someone need it more then other to feel well rested and gud in the morning .
Interesting story in that he is only considering one avenue of making boyfriends and/or FWB. I think there is something to be said about waiting to have sex until after you know some basics about the person. At the same time, I do not have a problem with hooking up and seeing what happens.
I have used two rules for dating verses sex. One is if the person lives in the urban area I am; I will try to exchange numbers and then date. However, if that person is living elsewhere and we are finding each other mentally and physically attractive; then I have no problem hooking up. This way I get my dating needs and sexual needs met without unnessary drama. This way I do not have to deal with people ignoring you if it was a one night stand for them and I wanted something else and vica-versa. And those out-of-towners I slept with have been some great experiences and some are very good friends who happen to live in other locales.
Secondly, I try to go to bars and clubs on my own. My friends and I will usually go out to dinner and/or movies and separate afterwards. When I am out on my own, it forces me to interact with new people and not stay in the same cliche.
So enjoy where you are at right now and be open to different experiences. I try to focus on the actual journey than what I think the end result should be. I think this has given me excellent overall experiences.
In August of 2007, I met my soulmate. We had been friends in an AOL chat room for three years before this and I asked him out for lunch and he agreed. Since then, we have been having such good times together that I would be lost without him. We truly are soul mates. We have a lot in common; Broadway, music, close family ties down-to-earth attitudes, jokes, a plethora of individual friends, laughter and faith.
We also discovered that both of us have no desire or need to jump into the sack together for sex for our relationship to be "complete".
At this stage in our lives, we see no reason to have to "do it", when everything else has fallen into place. Personally, I've been around block enough times to write a tell-all memoir that would probably need three volumes. All of that carnal entertainment was fun and VERY safe even before the advent of The Big "A". However, through it all, not ONE of those men ever said "I love you"...not one. After 47 years of kissing a lot of frogs, My Prince came into my life when I least expected it. I have found peace and contentment with him. We've got it all; the romance, love, friendship, happiness; all the things we've never had with men in our pasts. I am at total peace with our situation and we've never been happier in our still-young lives.
I will love him until the end of time. XO
Sex is great . and your partner being good in bed is a good thing too. But if you can agree out of bed then the good stuff in bed is not gong to matter.
I agree sex is important in a relATIONSHIP BUT NOTeverything
This guy seems to have the same mentality as I have. Sex matters. It doesnt rule my life but YES it matters.
1) I fell in love with a versatile top. I am a versatile top. It took 3 mnths of fighting over the top position to have actually have sex. (1 year wasted)
2) I was swept away by a fun and beautiful bottom only to find out he was only into oral. ( 3 months wasted)
3) I dated a great guy with a great attitude, similar family-oriented background, good job, decent truck... We clicked very well. Finally got to the sex and it turned out he was only into oral as well. SMH (2 months wasted)
4) I dated a guy for 8 mnths and then we drifted apart. A couple of years later we went at it again with the intention of an LTR. We finally had sex after about three months. I apologize for my superficial mentality but even though I top, I cant be with a guy who's "piece" is smaller than my pinky. (11 months wasted)
5) I hooked up with a cute little mexican boy and told him i was not looking for an LTR. We screwed for 6 months like rabbits at a bunny festival. We've been together for a year and a half now.
Keep doing what you're doing. The right guy is gonna give it to you without callling you a slut for asking for it and then he can love you later.
Truth of the matter is that although these guys are asking you to abstain so you can get to know them, the fact is that everyone puts up a front upon meeting someone and the dates are just an exxageration of the truth. But nobody can lie with their pants down and legs spread open.
Screw first, ask questions later.
Dude I love your story and advice.
I'm on the same track as you and haveing the time of my life.
1) next time wrestle for top it's easier to establish the overall tone of the male relationship if the other guy knows who's stronger. You can also use boxing or any other type competion. Me I like the younger males they arn't as strong as they think they are compared to a man in his prime of 40-50.
2) love those oral guys. Don't think of it as a waste. Great head is NEVER a waste.
3) took you two months to get to the sex? Thats the longest relationship I've ever had so your doing better than me.
4) OK this one I don't get. So what if he has a micro cock. Any time he wants to"top" it's no problem because his dick wont ever penetrate. The couple of guys I've fucked with like that pinky size and not long enough to actually get in my asshole but they didn't know that and thye were so greatful for being able to top I could get them to do some wild shit after. Small dicked guys are fun and buy comparison they make us average guys look like porn stars.
5) ah yes the hot little mexican guys. I love'em too. They are so small you can practicly do anything you want with them and they love it.
When you get tired of the current one try an asian guy. OMG they are so freakin soft and cute(personal prefrence) you just can't get enough of their bodies.
I've tried all types japanese, chinese,philipino,pacific islander and they have all been great bottoms in the sack.
I'm with you on the last part too. If your not sexually attrackted to the guy how are you ever going to find enough intrest to get to know them on a personal level.
I'm stealing that line about "nobody can lie with their pants down and their legs spread open"
I wish you and your current peice much happiness.
it's guys with your mentality that sometimes make me hate being gay...everything doesn't have to be sex driven,but if that is the most important thing in your relationship with someone, who am I to force you to think differently...
a relationship is more than sex. If you judge a person by size of pinkie or a preference for oral sex you're one shallow son of a bitch. Love is a smile, a personality, a moment when you both think the same way... a union of emotion. Grow up... and realize a relationship is more than a fuck.
I don't see why sex has to play such a big role in if someone is a good or deserving partner...I have never been one to be able to just go with any guy but it seems these days it's all more the norm...I prefer to meet someone get to know them and then explore the sexual side of things together...I can't understand why you would want to define your relationship round whether the sex is good as I feel that if you are really into someone that would just come naturally and if it doesn't then it's not right and you just not into that person enough. Being with someone is more than just about sex and I think that is why relationships fail so often...Sex shouldn't rule your world...
the last guy i hooked up with is now my bf lol
there is nothing wrong with being single. nothing is a guarantee & your friends may be single again someday & back into the hooking up scene. don't bow to the pressure of having a boyfriend/partner just for the sake of having one. it's not fair to either party. be your own mr. right first & make sure you're happy with the choices you make. i've had long-term & hooking up (which i'm pretty sure i'm done with/too many crazies out there), at the moment i have neither but that's fine by me now. i'm happy with the way things are 'cause i'm good with what's inside of me. family, friends & my personal worth/happiness are what's important today. besides, "it happens,when it happens."
I have been with my guy for two years now. I did not base our relationship on how good he is in bed. We have managed to make our relationship work out quite well and the sex we have is fantastic. As we grow together in our relationship our sex seems to only get better.
We have discussed that we expect to grow old together even if our sex life comes to an end. I love him and he loves me. I think that the love and respect that we have for each other has lead to great sex. He knows what I like and has no problem giving it to me as I do for him.
He is my life partner.
I would much rather have lousy sex with my boyfriend than have great sex with someone I just met (ie a "hookup").
I have been with my partner for two years now. We have an amazing sex life - and it doesnt define our relationship. Sometimes we have awesome sex and other times there is a bit to be desired. But that doesn't matter because we love each other and that makes up for anything that may have lacked during our lovemaking.
I suggest to go meet people but don't worry about sex so much. When you find the right one for you it won't matter how good or bad your sex life is. And most of all be patient. It took me 11 years to find my boyfriend. But when you find the right one you will definitely be happy that you waited. Trust me.
I'm going to totally honest, I dislike the arrogance in this story, I read it and got slightly depressed. The concept of not marrying someone unless they are great in bed is a little sickening to me, probably because I'm not quite out in myself yet and not confident in bed (probably because I think to much and am not as horny as every other gay guy on the planet it seems).
I know I'm not raising a point which is not totally relevant to the story and going out to clubs just to hook up and have sex with random people a lot of the time is fine, but I don't think this story deserved to be published on the website as it seems to say "If other men aren't good in bed, I'm not going to see them again" and yet they could be the most perfect people in the world for you.
Don't you find that the casual sex venues have at least as many guys having some quick anonymous sex behind their loving boyfriend's back as single guys who wouldn't mind a relationship? The world's a funny old place, just be happy in your own path. Maybe friends who call you a whore have moved on and you need to reconsider their value to support you?
Nice comment James- I dont do that, but I do support my friends growing and learning what they what out of life
There are those of us (seniors) who are not looking necessarily for a long-term live-in relationship, but do seek companionship and sex. I've been single for 26 years now (after a 16 yr. str8 marriage) and I'm too independent to go back into any type of real long-term commitment. I do however miss having someone to cuddle with at night, to share special occasions with, and yes I'm a scorpio so I also have strong sexual needs. Mr. Hand has been my companion for much too long. Living in the Caribbean limits my access to developing gay friends with our local caste system. There is no "meeting place" for the single gay community. I used to spend a lot of time on gay.com but haven't logged in there for probably two years or more.....too many "fake" insecure liars there who do nothing but tear each other down.
Being a senior anywhere is a downer. Many that I have met in my age bracket, are lonely and rarely if ever have sex. Companionship is also a difficult choice for many that have lived alone for many years. Personally I have found foreign countries do not look at seniors in the same light as do Americans. Sex is more readily available in those foreign countries for a man in his 70's. We Americans are a youth oriented society, regretfully.
I agree with you and I´m in a similar situation living in a small town of mexico with a very limited access to a gay comunity I mean having a place like in the states were you go out a have fun and meet gay friends, or some one to have sex. I used to live in dallas texas and go to oakland very often, thats were gay comunity meets and have fun, but now I been 3yrs in this small town and some times is depressing no to have a meeting place for the gay community.
I agree that great sex and great love go together the best and agree that great sex can stand alone without great love but it's not as great as the two combined. Also, great love can lead to great sex. I've had relationships where the sex was not so great (for whatever reason; nervousness, unfamiliarity) but we liked each other enough to grow together and the sex became great because of the love.
All men are good in bed. If you are.
the guy in pic on the left appears to have "dead tooth"
I think it depends on your value system. If sex is a necessity and hooking up is a norm or non-taboo in your beliefs then go hookup. If sex is not a priority and you are more focused on other things then do that. I don't think its fair to call people sluts or serial monogamist as most people fall somewhere in the middle of the spectrum on average. Only when we look at specific points in a person's life does it appear that at that moment they are a "slut" or a "prude".
The larger concern is when will the gay community move past its hedonistic obsession with sex and develop cultural norms that reflect something other than a stereotype. We can create such beauty in the world when we put our libidos aside but for a few minutes.
Well, the sin of sex has been around for thousands of years, just like those who oppose it outside marriage (even polygamy marriage). So, in the absence of law and order type coercion, and the greater freedom that capitalism brings to sexual relationships, you simply must decide. Pragmatics favour monogamy, simply because there's less to worry about. But morally, I think the deciding factor is which of the two camps your conscience can live with: the Roman or the religious. If the former becomes too difficult, the religious should in fact receive you with open arms.
Sorry guys. It does make a difference if your intention is to find a lifepartner or if it is to find sex. Also if you go to places where people go to find sex that influences the kind of intentions the other people will have there, and what is most likely to happen.
Having said that, gay meeting places are some of the few places where gay men can meet and they tend to have sexual overtones all over them.
Calling each other sluts and whores is simply sexism turned onto fellow gay men. Not so useful.
Who ever say gay liberation is almost completed is not well informed. We've got worlds to gain, worlds!
I have been on both sides and the sex is good but you still go home alone .You go through your life alone untill the next time you hook up. It fills a void for a short time. Waiting for MR right and having no sex isn't so good either . I'm 58 and really think my time has passed for love and all that but what ever you do you will have to live with and be happy.
I'll be 67 next month, and just this past year a truly wonderful, 41-year-old guy has come into my life, after many years of my being single (as a gay man--I'm still in a legal marriage with a woman after 24 years of separation, but that's another matter!) and having a full and very enjoyable casual sex life. I wasn't really expecting a serious relationship to come along at this stage of my life (I have children and grandchildren I'm very close to), but my bf and I connected on a "cruising" web site. Don't give up hope--life is full of surprises, even to us older gay guys!
Feeling the same way on South Carolina, Bruce... Sorry~
I always feel like middle aged gay men want to meet the 20 year old of their dreams and when it doesn't happen they complain no one wants them. Why don't they date each other?
Post new comment