Dear Richard: You Are a Whore, Darlin'

Dear Richard,

All my friends are either dating or in relationships, and I'm feeling left out. We used to all go out together, and now they want to have people over for movie nights and dinners. That's cool and I enjoy it, but I still want to go out, meet guys and have fun—and by "have fun" I do mean hooking up now and then.

I was venting about all this to one of these couples the other day, and my friend said I needed to stop whoring around if I wanted to have a boyfriend. I don't see myself as being a slut. My thought is that I just want to know if the guy's any good in bed before I settle down and marry him. I can't imagine falling for a guy, being totally into him, committing to him and then discovering he's boring in bed. My thinking is that when I finally find the right guy, that's when I'll stop cruising, but being "the right guy" also means being good at sex.
What do you think? Should I give up playing around with random guys in order to find a boyfriend?

Dear Good,

There's such a sexual dichotomy in modern culture. People who enjoy sex are still considered “sluts,” serial monogamists are considered “normal,” and both groups use the same kind of pejorative language to compartmentalize others. But the truth—and everyone knows it—is that life isn’t as simple as he's a whore and the other guy's a saint.

Having sex is part of what makes you human. It’s also part of building relationships. Sometimes these relationships are purely sexual. Sometimes they’re one-shot encounters. And, yes, sometimes the sex leads to longer-lasting relationships. But the bigger question is this: Do you really want a boyfriend right now?

For the most part, all of us eventually want to couple up, but there's nothing wrong with being single and enjoying that part of your life right now. Hell, if that's what brings you joy and you've got a strong support network of family and friends in all other areas of your life, you could (in theory) continue playing around for the rest of your life. There's no law that says you must be in a relationship. So in this case, perhaps what you're missing isn't a boyfriend, but the fun and friendship you felt with your core group of buddies when you were all single. That's the main thing that's changed in your life, so maybe what you're really missing are the old days, and you're interpreting those feelings as missing / wanting / needing a boyfriend.

The hard truth is that you may need to meet some new wingmen for your cruising nights out. It doesn't mean you're leaving those old friends behind, it just means you're moving on to new things just like they have. Remember, friendships grow and change, with new ones added in that can also enrich our lives. So be open to that evolution.

Above all, if you're having fun right now and not hurting yourself or anyone else in the process, then keep doing what you're doing. Enjoy your time until you become bored with it, and then decide if you want to settle down. If not, then don't. And whatever path you take stop calling yourself a "slut" because that kind of language does nothing for the soul.

Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.

Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.

Club Images: Brendan-John for MJ's Silver Lake