Dear Richard: Breakin' Up Is Hard to Do

Dear Richard,

When I came out of the closet 4 years ago I immediately started a relationship with my current boyfriend. Nothing is wrong with him, it's just the feeling we once shared has died out for me. Plus, when I got to know him better throughout the years I realized how different we were from one another.

He can't picture himself living without me, he is a sweet guy, and I don't want to break his heart. But I feel more like a good friend towards him rather than a boyfriend. And I know if I do this wrong I may destroy our chances on friendship.

So what is the best way to break up with somebody?

Heartbreaker

Dear Heart,

This may not provide much comfort, but you should know this happens a lot. Whether someone is new to dating (like yourself) or he's finally stopped dating bad boys and grabbed the first good guy to come along (regardless of compatability), a lot of people end up dating someone who they should have been friends with rather than lovers. But what guys like you have to understand is that staying in a stagnant relationship can actually be hurtful to both parties so breaking up is the right choice.

This was your first relationship, and from the sound of things it seems like he's pretty new to the game as well. It’s important that you both go out and try new things, make new friends, date different guys, enjoy different sexual experiences and so on. This will affect every aspect of both your lives—personally, socially, and spiritually—and allow you to grow.

That said, it's obvious you care and don't want to just dump him. Kudos to you for being a good guy! He sounds scared, probably of the unknown, of not knowing what his life will be like without you. He's probably dependent on you emotionally; four years will do that to two people. However, you’ve got to do what’s right for you.

First consider what it is you’re really thinking and feeling. Understand what he meant to you in the past and why you want to break up now. Then sit him down and explain it all. You care about your partner’s feelings, and if you can really articulate why you need the separation it will be a gift to yourself and to him because it will bring a deeper understanding between you two. Your partner will be able to comprehend and internalize that you're both in two different positions here.

Be grateful for the love and joy and happiness and growth he's brought to your life. Let him know how he's helped you grow and, as no relationship is a one-way street, note the things you've done for him as well. But once that's done, let him know that you both need to take new courses in life so that you can honor your friendship with new experiences.

The challenge? He might not understand that right now because you'll both be experiencing the moment differently. Your words could very well hurt him, so always acknowledge his feelings, validate what he's thinking and saying, but at the same time don’t give up on what’s true for you. Yes, it might hurt him now, but if he's a good enough guy to score someone who is as thoughtful as you, then later on he will most likely see that this move makes sense and appreciate what you've done.

Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.

Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.

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