Hooking Up? Make Some Noise!

"I hooked up with this super hot guy at White Party," my friend tells me over cocktails. I wait for the red flag in the story. "We'd started flirting and kissing by the pool, got going in the elevator, and then hit it in my room. And it was only Wednesday night! The weekend hadn't even started yet!"

Wait. You were both sober? "Yes." Hadn't been partying for days? "No." And the sex was good? "YES!"

So what was the problem?

"When I was ready to shoot I let him know. I said it, then I moaned and writhed and my toes curled up and I fired." My friend pauses, confused. "He just finished. Like, he stopped moving and didn't make any noises at all. I looked down and saw he'd shot, but if I hadn't seen the evidence I wouldn't have believed it. At first I thought I must have been horrible at sex but then he asked me on a date this week. He was really into seeing me again. Is it possible that something that feels so great doesn’t feel all that visibly good to other guys?"

It's a good question. Some men don't make much noise or movements during orgasm, especially during masturbation. Perhaps these guys fall into the stereotypical belief that men have to give a “strong, silent” display because writhing and moaning can look or sound feminine. Of course, if a dude was mocked for his moans or dirty talk early in his sexual life, that could scare him into silence; likewise, he may have seen someone speak or move in a way that turned him off, causing the same kind of reaction over worries that he too might appear that way. You also have men who grew up in cramped quarters, among large families, or who just had great fear of being caught diddling around. These guys often train themselves to do the deed quietly and never grew out of it when they became adults. But all of these men could be missing out.

It's true that many of us learn to make sex talk, actions and noises from porn and interactions with others, but some experts believe you can actually increase your pleasure if you express it vocally. Sexologist Dr. Joseph Kramer, founder of Body Electric, says, “Shame stifles the sounds of pleasure, [while] making  sounds amplifies the feelings of pleasure. When I make sounds during sex, the pleasure doubles. Why not let the neighbors hear?”

Naughty moans and groans are great ways to let your partner know he's pushing the right buttons and encourage him to keep going in that direction. It helps him find your hot spots and becomes a treasure hunt of the carnal variety. However, if expressing yourself with a partner is foreign to you, sexologist and "gay sexpert" Dr. Jallen Rix offers two easy ways to get started:

1. Give him compliments as you enjoy his body. Whisper things like, “I love the way you kiss. You've got an amazing chest!" This can get you more into the moment and let him know when things are going well.

2. Use the sportscaster approach by describing what you're doing. “Yeah, I'm tweaking your nipples. You like that? You want me to do more?"

That said, Rix points out that if you happen to enjoy a silent orgasm, there's nothing’s wrong with that. In fact, it's better to be a bit more intimate than screaming so loud your neighbors call the police for a domestic violence disturbance. Silence can also be used to turn one another on, such as if you're worried you're going to be caught in the act but want to hit it nevertheless.

However, if you are being really quiet during sex without those reasons, ask yourself why. Could you be stifling your pleasure along with your ecstatic cries? As Rix advises, "Let your pleasure crawl like fingers out of your crotch, up, over your tummy and chest. Throughout your whole body feel the ecstasy you’re creating and let it come out of your throat and voice to express what you feel. Even if someone hears you, I’ll bet they’ll be jealous of the fun you’re having, so hit that high note for all of us."

Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.

Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.

Images: Photos.com