Dear Richard: A Tale of Two Bottoms
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and we really love one another. There's nothing better than when we cuddle and make love, and my favorite thing is when he puts his head on me and just lies there. But we have one problem that has made things frustrating: We're both bottoms.
Normally his favorite position is to sit on a guy's penis while the other guy lies on his back. I thought this would be great for us because that's the only position where I've had any success as a top, but the couple times we've done it, it hasn't been very exciting. He has topped me and I thought it went well, but he thought it was only "okay."
Even though my boyfriend doesn't say it's a problem, I know he's disappointed. I'm very oral and I could be satisfied with a good oral sex life, but we both want more. The big question, is can two bottoms have a good anal sex life?
Bottom Loving Bottom
There is this great misconception that two guys who like getting the hot beef injection cannot make their sexual relationship work. This is complete crap. Most guys enjoy sticking their rods into something tight and slick; it's what you do during masturbation, only the real thing offers more warmth, a better grip, and two cushy pillows for your hips. Good times—and you boys can have them, too.
Natural bottoms can become great tops, they just needed to open themselves up to new experiences and do some work. Sound scary? It shouldn't. When you were young there were probably a lot of sex acts that, when you thought about them, made you nervous or uncomfortable. Then you met the right man, felt safe, and found great pleasure in what he was offering. The same thing can apply here.
First off, let your boyfriend know you love and value him. Talk about the good things he brings to your life together. Then explain that you want to enhance the overall relationship by working on the sex. If he's in the same emotional space, you'll both be on solid ground to move forward with these points.
•Passivity inspires annoyance.
You know when you ask a guy what he wants to do on a date and he responds, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" It's to freakin' annoying!
For the sex to work, you both need to have opinions, fantasies, and suggestions for how to spice things up—whether that be using porn for inspiration, trying out new positions, or using a double-sided dildo so that you're both getting nailed at the same time. No idea is bad, but both men must bring an open mind and a willingness to make the sex work.
•Consider how past lovers excited you.
Look at how old tricks and boyfriends behaved during sex and think about how you can adapt some of those behaviors into your own scenes. You don't necessarily want to tell your boyfriend specifically who the guy was and what he did to you, because that kind of thing can make a man feel insecure. Just focus on what made the moment erotic and consider how you can channel it into your own sexcapades.
Hook up in the bathroom, kitchen, garage, or even play around in the car. Stop thinking there's only one way to be a successful top because that kind of limited mental space sets you up for failure. Know that you are a good lay in any position and location, and you'll find this belief becoming your reality.
•Change your attitude.
A good top often takes control. He sometimes talks dirty, tells the bottom what to do, and is usually seen as the initiator. Fair enough, but the bottom can also be the aggressor. He can be a "hungry" bottom, dominating the top and making sure that he's being serviced for his own pleasure. If you take control of your enjoyment that way, it will be tough for your boyfriend to not rise to the occassion. Conversely, if your partner commands you to be rougher or do something a different way, don't take it as an insult to your abilites—just do what he says! And do it with passion. Find the enjoyment in being the top, the man who is delivering ecstasy to someone else.
This is really about changing the way you approach the situation. Instead of seeing this as an incredible obstacle, see it as an exciting challenge. You're being asked to put out sexually—like you're the ultimate sex machine—so find the fun inherent in that scenario and dive in with full, unapologetic commitment.
No matter who is performing a particular position, the bottom should feel secure enough in his sex to take control of the situation if necessary, and the top should feel secure enough to do what's required to make the other man feel good. But the second one of you becomes defeatist, sighs with frustration, or gives an indication that he feels like a failure or that this isn't working, then you both lose.
Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.
Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.