Dear Richard: I'm Horny and Impatient
I've been in a relationship for about 2 years. I'm 23 and he's 24, we met 3 years ago and have been living together for one and half years. We have our issues, some of them complicated, but what I am most desperate about is sex. I've always been a very sexual person even though I am somewhat insecure. I'm usually a top, but when I feel safe with someone I love to bottom. I love oral sex, and I can be somewhat kinky (restraints, kinky underwear, and a bunch of dildos and butt plugs.)
Then, one years and a half ago his father got cancer and died a few months later and the sex stopped completely. I understand his situation and have been giving him time and space to deal with his stuff this last year. He also got severe hemorrhoids from stress.
But time went by and I had to do something. So, to show him that the hemorrhoids didn't matter I bottomed a few times. He is inexperienced at that and is very insecure sexually (even though he has one of the largest cocks I've ever seen). When that didn't work I tried talking. We talked about all his sexual experiences, what went bad, what was good, why did he prefer bottoming, what he liked, what did he not. I told him I needed more sex as I loved him and was very turned on by him and wanted sex with no one else but him (which is mostly true, I confess I've searched around online a few times but nothing serious as I don't intend to cheat on him.)
He is very uptight. He needs to control everything in his life and sex he doesn't. With sex he is insecure and inexperienced, the opposite of what he is, or tries to be in all the other aspects of his life. I believe that this is the main reason why, when something as bad as the death of his father happened, he just erases it from his life. To add to this he's somewhat vanilla and I need some spice and it has been a year since I bottomed and almost a year and half since I last topped. I've been sexless apart some brief blow jobs for a year and I just don't know what else to do. Do you think I should just give him more time? Do you suggest any strategy to re-ignite our sex life?
Concerned, but Still Horny
OK, first off: You are 23. You are going to be horny all the time. Even if you get it regular. That's the bummer of being 23. So now let's look at a few of the other circumstances and what you can do — and more importantly not do — to get through this period.
Something that stands out right away in your letter is the one and a half year mark. It comes up over and over. The father died, you moved in together, and the sex stopped — all a year and a half ago. Something you don't specify is whether or not this is the first live-in relationship for either of you. At 23 and 24 I am going to assume so, because even if you had other live-in relationships, they could not have been all that long, most likely.
Having had a fair number of live in relationships, and having seen many, there seems to be a year and a half to two year period where all is roses and orgasms. Then reality settles in. No matter how well adjusted, attractive, stable, etc., either of you may be, everyone brings baggage into a relationship. If this is your first live-in it may be the first time either of you have really unpacked this stuff in front of someone else.
This is often a departure point for short term couples. The going gets tough and the less-than-committed hit the road.
It takes something fierce to keep a relationship going. Certainly it takes bravery to face the issues that come up. And most really interesting people have issues, especially in their early 20s.
Not to advocate discordance in a relationship, but there are often very successful pairing of very different people. There is a certain tension that our differences with our partners creates that can be exciting, and bonding. It can also be maddening and if the differences are too great, the relationship collapses. If you stay with this relationship, you are bound to find out a lot about your partner and yourself.
You mention that you are both insecure. That seems right for relatively young men who are forging their way in the world. Confidence can come with maturity, and maturity can come from being willing to commit to someone even thought things aren't "perfect."
You sound like a lot of fun sexually. Your partner may have a harder time being easy with that, especially now that you live together and he has less retreat time to contemplate and process things. The death of a parent can be complex for anyone and often for gay men even more so.
I would suggest asking your partner if he feels ready fro some grief counseling or some couples counseling. If he says no, let it go for now. The seed has been planted. He may change his mind. The important thing he would then know is that you are willing to work on your issues together. For many couples, it can take a few years to feel real ease with each other and to have really creative and lively communication.
Bottom line, you can't lose by staying in it and investigating more. Yeah, you're horny. Jerk off more. Maybe stay away from internet cruise sites for now. And develop some other activities and interests you and your partner can share. Hiking, camping, sports, work on the place you live, or even community volunteer work together can help forge the bond for each of you to feel more intimate and connected. You could end up with a remarkable relationship that is more satisfying than you ever thought it could be.
Wishing the best for both of you.
Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice. Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.