Ready To Make Your 2013 'Sexolution'?
Dear Richard received a bunch of letters this year that say one or more of the following things:
I'm old / shy / fat / thin / pasty / etc. Am I destined to always be alone?
I'm tired of just meeting guys to hook up. I want to be in a relationship but the guys I like aren't into me. How do I meet the kind of guys I like and get them to like me, too?
These letters depress D.R., because he has been around a LONG time. He has written for about sex and dating and love for tons of publications, and he knows with some authority that every person has qualities that other guys find attractive. He also knows what isn't hot: thinking you're "less than" anything or anyone else.
We all have qualities we can improve upon. Sometimes we feel out of shape and want to work out more or improve our diets. Sometimes we see that we need to be patient with our boyfriend, or remove ourselves from toxic friends and environments that are bringing us down. That's all good stuff. It's a part of life, of our personal evolution, and it's the way we make ourselves better people. But when you start thinking there's something wrong with who you are as a human being, and you're basing that judgement on your inability to get laid or date certain guys or find a husband, then you're doing yourself a huge disservice.
So right here, right now, D.R. wants you to make some New Year's sex-based resolutions, or "sexolutions" as he likes to call them.
1. Spot the Hot
You have hotness in you. It could be your arms, butt, abs, or eyes. It could also be your laughter, compassion, and intellect—these don't have to be physical qualities. Figure out what those things are and write them down. Write them ALL down. Try to remind yourself of at least one of those qualities when you wake up in the morning and before you go out. When it comes to dating or cruising, confidence is king.
2. Meet the Meat
You want to meet men? You want the guys you like to like you back? Then go out and hit the bars, or join an organization, or go online and visit dating sites, but whatever you do, stop sitting at home feeling bad about yourself. Yes, chances are you'll get rejected sometimes, and yes guys can be be bitchy and mean, but if you don't make the effort you're never going to meet someone.
3. Help Him Spot the Hot
When you go to a job interview you don't start the meeting by talking about your faults and insecurities. You put on your best clothes, your best face, and you show potential employers what a catch you are. The same goes for meeting men. Be yourself. Don't be cocky or try too hard, just hold onto your strengths and be open during the conversation. Listen to the other guy and spot the hot in him as well. If you can make the date a give and take, you'll be on solid ground.
4.Try a New Trick
This could be a guy, a toy, a piece of clothing or any new kink. There's something that's been tickling your fancy, so if it's not going to hurt another person then why not try it? D.R. often hears about guys who didn't embrace something sexually exciting until they were much older, and they regret wasting those years living in fear of judgment (from themselves or others). Stop it. Now. Find a way to at least dabble your toes (or something else) in this new experience. Whatever the end result, you'll definitely grow as a person.
5. Enjoy Your Body
Sex is good. It is. So allow yourself to enjoy it—either with another guy, or alone with your hand and a little imagination. If you're single it's easier to explore new things, but you can do it in a relationship as well. Talk to your man, tell him your desires, and go on the journey together. As men we can have sex for years, so take advantage of that gift.
Obviously these sexolutions aren't cure-alls for bad self-esteem; the real battle there is taking on the disparaging self-talk, seeing it for what it is and really breaking yourself out of those negative bubbles. Don't let 2012 begin with the same old habits and frustrations you've felt in the past. Instead, challenge yourself to love yourself, step outside your comfort zone, and enjoy everything that life has to offer.
Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice. Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.