Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: Caught in Santa's Gay Headlights
Maybe it was the pomegranate martinis, but when some friends and I decided to watch "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" recently to shake off this case of the holiday blues everyone seems to have this year, I made a startling discovery: the North Pole of this beloved Christmas classic is a parellel universe where everyone is, in fact, gay.
For starters, there's Charlie in the Box: biggest queen in holiday cartoon history. Not just because he has the gayest voice ever, but have you seen his over the top meltdown at not being rescued off the Island of Misfit Toys?
Yukon Cornelius: A huge, flannel-clad hairy bearded "loner" survivalist befriends a young blonde dentist-in-the-making and his pal Rudolph. And he can't stop seductively lickin' his pick.
Hermey the Dentist: It may have been a bit too aggresssive at the time for the writers to have made Hermey a wanna-be fashion designer, so they opted for the more safe occupation of dentist. Whatever. The point is that he self-identified at an early age. (BTW, he is NOT voiced by Paul Lynde, as many people seem to think; interesting, isn't it, that generation of Americans have made this association based on their subconscious assumption that Hermey is gay).
Head Elf: The blustery, anal elf has little time for Hermey's passion for dentristry, and gets his panties in a twist when the assembly line is disrupted. He shows a softer side by conducting the Elves' chorus, but is clearly a perfectionist. (And maybe he wouldn't have gotten so irritated if Hermey had wanted to be a stylist?)
Elves: Three words: gay men's choir.
Fireball: Aside from the name, this little reindeer is the only one with blonde hair. He decides to test Rudolph's leanings but encouraging him to go after that little minx, Clarice. Turns out Fireball's gaydar was right - Rudolph plays for the other team (and he's not allowed to play in their reindeer games...)
Santa: What other Santa actually loses weight in the off-season? And his marriage to Mrs. Clause really doesn't seem that fulfilling. My hunch is he and Head Elf had a falling out years ago, and that's why the air is so charged when these two are in the same room.
And finally, the rest of the misfit toys, banished for being different. Rudolph, Santa and the crew come to rescue them in an effort that should make gay rights advocates everywhere stand up and cheer.
So do yourself a favor: pour yourself some Egg Nog or some other yummy hot toddy, curl up and watch "Rudolph" with your gaydar turned on. Not only will it get you in the holiday spirit, you'll feel good knowing that since 1964, children everywhere around the world have unknowingly watched the gayest Christmas story ever. Cheers!
Image courtesy Amazon