Dear Oscar people...

By: Joe Thompson

Rather than spend a day recapping the Oscar coverage you already saw on some other site, we thought we'd use our time writing lovely little letters to the people we care about.

Please enjoy.

Dear Mariah,

You looked Precious... literally.

Tom&Samuel  Dear Tom Ford.

You're frickin' hot. I've spent many a night thinking about you and your hairy chest (and how you and that same hairy chest would feel on top of me).

So why did you go and color in your beard like a drag king? Please tell me it was the bad camera work on ABC and not reality, because it makes me very sad.

Dear Samuel L. Jackson.

Please retire the Kangol cap, already.

George 97524479Dear ABC,

I have some questions about your Oscar coverage:

Why can't I understand anything Penelope Cruz says?

Is Kathy Ireland insane? Or was she just in an extremely tight dress and thinking too hard about her next question/statement to actually listen to the words a celebrity was saying to her?

Was fashion designer Randolph Duke on coke? He kept sniffing and wiping his nose, even on camera. He did everything but lift his nostrils up to his co-host and say, "Girl, am I clean?"

Does George Pennacchio think about his questions before asking them? For example:

•He asked George Clooney if his heart was still with Haiti. What the fuck do you think he's going to say? "No, I'm now supporting fans who want to keep Ugly Betty on for another season!"

97525099 •He asks Sarah Jessica Parker if the next Sex in the City movie
is going to be good? What the fuck do you think she's going to say? At
the very least you should have complimented how the flower on her dress
matched hubby Matthew Broderick's hair. (To be fair, he didn't ask how Matthew's affairs were going, so he deserves some points for that.)

•George then says to Meryl Streep, "You're smiling, which means you're
happy to be here." WHAT?

But this last question goes to ABC's producers. If you have Sandra Bullock on camera, and she is favored to win, why would you ruin the footage by letting some retarded guy make faces behind her.

(And you had two cameras on her, as shown in this clip.)

Check it:

Bullock P.S. I'm also wondering why power publicist Howard Bragman and Bullock's husband Jesse James didn't just punch the kid and take him out. If someone could get back to me on that, I'd appreciate it.