Mormon from My Eyes: Ben Jarvis
By: Rick Andreoli
6.16.2010
Carrying on the Legacy:
Seven Generations of the Pioneer Spirit
Words by Ben Jarvis
Since the mid-1990s, Mormons have systematically fought against gay rights and have been responsible for numerous anti-gay initiatives. The Mormon assault on civil rights has been ruthless and effective, writing discrimination into state constitutions across the nation. With this in mind, you might wonder why I have so many LDS/Mormon friends, and why I—an out and proud gay man—remain interested in Mormon issues and happenings. The answer is simple: I’m one of them.
Seven generations ago, my ancestors got together in Upstate New York and founded the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, better known as the LDS or Mormon Church. I was born into the LDS faith and grew up believing the LDS Gospel. I was taught the importance of obedience and was groomed to be a lifelong, faithful, church member. I believed that I lived before I was born, and that if I remained true and faithful, that one day I could be exalted into godhood. Marriage was eternal, not just a union in this life, but something that went on forever. I also believed that the church was led by a living prophet who conferred with God regularly. The colorful doctrines were considered strange and bizarre by non-Mormons, but to me, they were perfectly normal. The church had the answer to everything, and the gospel was universal. All of the pieces fit together nicely… at least until I realized that I was different.
My family has been wonderful. Mom and Dad are active in PFLAG and have made it very clear that their love for me comes before their love of the Mormon church. I wish every gay Mormon was as lucky as I am!
I figured out that I was gay when I was 14 years old. This realization threw my life into chaos and I don’t know that I can overstate the amount of angst that I felt. While other teenagers were talking about their girlfriends or their favorite rock bands, I was saddled with guilt. I was gay, but I did not want to be. I had no one to talk to and this certainly was not something I could discuss with my parents or church leaders. I did not have access to good information. The only books I found on the topic were written from a Mormon perspective and were very damaging. According to church leaders, homosexuality was second only to murder in the eyes of God and terms like “degenerate” or “deviant pervert” were used to describe people like myself. Around that same time, HIV/AIDS began ravaging the gay community and many Mormons believed the virus had been sent from God to punish the wicked. As I read the newspapers and watched the television reports, I knew what awaited me if I turned away from the church and acted on my feelings. God was showing me my future if I strayed from the church and it was almost too much to deal with.
Like other gay Mormons, I suffered alone thinking I was the only one. That changed in 1993 when I found Affirmation: Gay and Lesbian Mormons. When I called the number I discovered that I wasn’t alone after all. Instead, I was a part of a large and thriving community filled with men and women who were just like me. These were people who understood what I was feeling and who could see the world through my eyes. For the first time in my life, I had hope; and it is amazing how hope can change a person. Rough times still lay ahead, but knowing I wasn’t alone gave me the strength and confidence to stand up for myself. I learned to take the church on my own terms and found that honesty and integrity were addictive. I liked how it felt to live my life out in the sunshine instead of behind a closet door.
I speak Mormon fluently and have made it a point to reach out to other gay Mormons who are just starting their journey. I am often people’s first contact with the gay Mormon community. I recognize the fear in their voices and do what I can to provide comfort and understanding. The worth of a soul is great, and there are far too many souls out there who suffer needlessly, thinking as I did, that they are the only ones. I do what I can to change that perception, one person at a time.
My beliefs have changed since I left the church, yet my Mormon identity remains firmly intact. My concept of God evolved over time. The angry deity that I was taught to fear as a child turned into a loving mentor who empowered and nurtured me. Eventually I no longer needed a belief system and let go of God completely. That was both scary and liberating, and I have no regrets.
Taking responsibility for my thoughts and actions has allowed me to make a difference in the lives of others. I found a wonderful man and fell in love with him. We have built a beautiful life together and are blessed with good families and friends; I was raised by Mormon democrats who accept my husband as their own. I wanted to reduce suffering in the world and so I became a vegetarian. I volunteer my time to help other gay Mormons because I know that they are hurting, and am now one of the outreach contacts for Affirmation—the organization that helped me in the past. Someone was there for me and I would be remiss if I did not try to return the favor. I make decisions based on what I know to be right, not out of fear of losing my place in God’s kingdom or disappointing my church leaders.
And the strange thing is that all of this is in keeping with Mormon philosophy: personal accountability, living without shame, and ministering to my fellow human beings. Indeed, I am a much better Mormon now that I am out of the closet and living honestly than I ever could have been when I was closeted and miserable. Yes, it’s a paradox, but I have found a way to make things work. And while it was a rough road getting here, I don’t know that I would change anything in my past.
It’s been a wonderful journey.
Ben with his dive buddy, Randy Shank. As Ben says, "Scuba is how I kept my sanity when I had to deal with my church issues. Randy and I have been diving together for 13 years. He is straight, and it is friendships like his that have made the journey easier."
Ben and his husband, Pat, at their wedding in 2008.
Read the Whole Series:
Mormon from My Eyes: Denise Hamblen
Mormon from My Eyes: Bruce Bastian
Mormon from My Eyes: Jarom Rowland
Comments
It's not easy to be Mormon and homosexual. I don't know anyone in the Mormon church who has paved the way and shown us that it's ok to be out and proud of your homosexuality within the Mormon church. That being said, I appreciate Rick's comments above. I appreciate the struggles that I learn of of homosexuals coming to terms that this condition never leaves them. How we each handle this situation seems to be treated differently and not one story is exactly the same. My wish is that Mormon community would have a greater respect for the difficulties. My experience has shown that as a whole they are not love based, where God is love based. I wish I could understand how Mormons who claim to become like God are so far away from being Godlike in loving those with this condition. I just want to apologize to anyone who is offended by the Mormon community. Mormons can do such a better job! Maybe someday, Mormons will act according to the letter they released to the Human Rights Council in October 2010. Good day!
Face it folks, it's never gonna happen. Most Mormons will never accept the idea that same sex relationships have any worth or value. They will continue to alienate their gay children, and in many instances cause those same children to turn to alternate life choices that are damaging and in some cases fatal.
I drowned my sorrows in alcohol for years, in large part to mask my hurt over being ostracized by my Mormon family. Being gay since birth, and raised a Mormon in the '50's and '60's was a death sentence for many of us. In short, we killed ourselves, either through suicide or the slower more painful method of drug and or alcohol addiction. And all this to try and come to terms with a belief system that is contrary to a gay person's nature.
I am happy to report, that at the ripe old age of 61, I have a loving stable relationship, a healthy drug and alcohol free life style, and a guarded relationship with my family. I also am free of the LDS church, and most of the bad feelings that it caused in my life. I, of course would still love to get back at the church scout leader who singled me out for verbal abuse and as his personal whipping boy when I was 14 years old.
God accepts me and I have my own relationship with him. It doesn't require any assistance from a bigoted, hateful cult that preaches nonsensical dreck regarding Gay people.
I am only sorry that my parents, both in their late 80's, will never come to peace with who I am. But it won't happen, and I have come to realize that my own mental health and physical health isn't worth making an issue of this.
So, to all my Gay Mormon brothers and sisters, good luck with your personal journey through this quagmire. Know that I sympathize with you, and hope that you find the peace I have found.
By the way, there is a huge difference between being religious and being spiritual.
"The Mormons teach that they the Mormons should love and accept homosexuals as long as they don't act on their same sex feelings."
I stopped reading after the first sentence. You don't get it.
The Mormons teach that they the Mormons should love and accept homosexuals as long as they don't act on their same sex feelings. If you sin as a Mormon, you only confess your sins to the Bishop, so he and you are the only ones who know. So, here's the deal. In a perfect world, nobody in the Mormon church except you and the Bishop would know that you are sinning! So, the general Mormon church is really obligated to love each and all members regardless of homosexual thoughts, and repented behaviors.
Now if a Mormon homosexual acts on their feelings, and others besides the Bishop know, then, I think there's some confusion from the Bible and the scriptures that maybe the Saints aren't suppose to socialize with these unrepented gay individuals.
But, I think for me in my experience, alot of Mormons like to play the role of God and decide for themselves who is a homosexual and whether or not they are acting on their homosexual feelings, and then sometimes the social politics within the Mormon church get a little difficult. Sometimes a homosexual, whether or not they are acting out can feel isolated from other members due to being excluded from activities or social support.
I know that it is not an easy road to be Mormon and homosexual. I look for the day when Mormons do realize their error and accept homosexuals as equals in the church. We all have things to be forgiven of, and I don't know a better place than the Mormon church for a repentant homosexual, to feel the love of God, and at peace.
So, to those who are not Mormon, I see how there are some really hurt feelings from the Mormons. To those who are Mormon, some are very loving, understanding and supportive and want us to be with them, and some Mormons don't particularly care for homosexual Mormons. So the treatment from others is not Universal.
I knew Ben way back when, and I can see why he chose to leave the Mormon faith. I hope someday he comes back. I miss his friendship.
Sorry to say, that the Mormons got a bad rap over Prop 8. The intention of the Mormons is to help people by keeping intact marriage blessings between a man and a woman, not to cross homosexuals. I saw it happening right before my eyes, that there were some Mormons who were fighting homosexuals, and I know that God was not pleased with the behavior of these specific individuals.
So, to all out there, we are all hoping for understanding, and acceptance. Let's get directed to something we will all be proud of when we get there, and I think that it would be that there is mutual acceptance on both sides, gay and straight.
Thank you, Ben, for (once again) sharing your story. Though you came out as a gay Mormon several years after I did, you have done far more to help others along their journey. You exemplify what it means to give back. How fortunate we are that you continue to "speak Mormon fluently" even as your belief system and understanding of the Universe has changed.
Thank you to you and Pat for being my mentors and personal friends.
Over the last ten-plus years, I have met hundreds like us worldwide. I lived most of those years in Utah (Provo, Park City, and SLC), even studying at BYU. Now I'm in Manhattan. I just wrote a groundbreaking book that has deeply impacted the authorities at Temple Square. They are listening more to us now and need NEED NEEEEED to hear our stories just like this. The book is "Dear Mr. Stephens: Letters of Love and of Hope" - a collection of love letters to a gay Mormon hating himself and living still under the shame. But what I found most helpful to me in writing was that I discovered an entire hidden set of clues that even the Mormon Church has overlooked. It's gotten their attention from the inside, but we need to keep sharing with them our experiences like this. It turns out that they've never stopped to consider that we really do feel love and peace and God in our devoted, caring, selfless relationships with one another. Everyone who reads these posts and feels so inclined, share your heartfelt stories of learning to love yourselves and one another with them. If you do or if you don't, thank you anyway for being exactly who you are. Never be ashamed of Love; it changes everything.
I am happy that you are happy, Ben. As an straight, active "Mormon" with family and friends who are gay, I have often wondered what choices I would make if I had been born with such a challenge. It has been helpful for me to find out that the church hierarchy's understanding of homosexuality has evolved over time. It is no longer believed that same sex attraction is a choice or something that happens because parents screw up. Also, BEING gay is not considered a sin - only sexual acts outside of a male/female marriage. Just a couple of years ago my gay brother was accepted back into the church in full fellowship much faster than my adulterous sister who is still trying. I am also aware of several gay members in the congregation I attend, who are active church members. Making the choice to live chastely is not an easy one. It is hard for me to hold it against anyone who chooses to find the comfort offered in an intimate human relationship rather than seeking a different comfort out by spiritual means. Hopefully my fellow "Mormons" will grow in their understanding and in Christ-like behaviors toward all of their brothers and sisters in the world, regardless of the challenges they might face.
It is so refreshing to read of one man being liberated and using part of his time to help others be comfortable.
This article really hits home for me. I went through a very similar thing, however a bit later than Ben, as I am a bit younger. I share the same Mormon philosophies and my view of an evil angry god have evolved in nearly the same ways described in this article. Being inactive in the Mormon church makes me sad some days. There are times I think about going back, but know that I can't and still be who I really am. This is really an inspiring article and every struggling gay Mormon should read it. They are not alone, there are many of us.
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