10 Lessons From a Gay Cruise Virgin

By: Cyd Zeigler

3. Everyone’s Aboard
Every marketing material I saw for this cruise showed throngs of hot 30-somethings with 5% body fat wearing no clothes. That made up about 10% of the people on board. In reality, the passengers resembled a gay bar in Central Ohio more than a circuit party. Every kind of gay man was on board: Men in their 20s and 80s; Black, white and Asian; Bears, jocks and twinks; Gamblers, circuit boys and Broadway queens.

4. Indulge in the Non-party Fun
And amazingly, Atlantis and Royal Caribbean found a way to keep everyone entertained. Dixie Longate was a big hit on our cruise, hosting bingo (yes, I said bingo) and her patented Tupperware party. The FlowRider surf simulation at the back of the ship was constantly packed. The casino was a unique way to make new friends. And there was always a sing-a-long with Matt Yee or a trivia contest going on somewhere.

The one lesson about the entertainment I learned: Don’t believe the hype. Atlantis had promised a big, surprise performer for the main attraction! Instead they rolled out Patti Lupone, who couldn’t pack a theater and whose performance disappointed everyone I talked to. We stopped in for five minutes; That was all we could take.

Just one tip to the entertainers: The Little Britain joke of hearing someone with an accent and insisting you don’t understand a word they say? It was funny the first four dozen times you told it. It’s not funny anymore.


5. Everyone Wants To Say "Hi"
One of the things I love about Provincetown is that people check their attitude on the ferry and step onto Commercial Street with smiles. The cruise was no different. When I said “hello” to people in the hallway they actually – gasp – said “hello” back! We met some wonderful guys from Germany to Australia, Philadelphia to San Diego and everywhere in between. All you have to do is smile, introduce yourself and shake hands. Just keep hitting the Purell stations that are (smartly) more prevalent than used condoms on the dick deck.