What Mysterious Creature Is Eating French Men's Sperm?

By: Daniel Villarreal

When researchers tested the sperm of over 26,600 French men, they discovered that between 1989 and 2005 the country's overall sperm count fell by 30 percent — but why?

Foods high in cholesterol and saturated fats can lower sperm counts, and French folks love to eat such foods.

But French people have been eating rich foods for decades now. So the true culprit gobbling up their sperm may be more ominous, or so thinks Dr. Joelle Le Moal, an environmental health epidemiologist who co-authored the sperm study. He said, "To our knowledge, this is the first study concluding a severe and general decrease in sperm concentration and morphology at the scale of a whole country over a substantial period.

This constitutes a serious public health warning." But another doctor said that the lowered sperm levels are still within a normal range for fertility, necessitating no cause for alarm.

Until science knows for sure, might we suggest the highly speculative possibility of "jis goblins" who use magic to extract sperm cells from the testicles of sleeping French men. It's the best answer we can surmise without using any expensive, time-intensive studies.

Yes, it may sound crazy, but that's just what they said about French chemist Louis Pasteur when he suggested that invisible "germs" spoiled food and caused disease. And look who's laughing now.