The Closet Turns Gay Republicans Into Anti-LGBT Monsters

By: Daniel Villarreal

It is a truth universally acknowledged that all anti-gay Republicans are secretly gay as blaze. And to prove this maxim, Salon has made a rainbow-colored wall of shame with 21 disgraced anti-gay closet-cases stacked upon one another like so many lifeless bricks.

Here's just a sample of the sad sacks turned into monsters by the closet:

- Bush's 2004 campaign manager, Ken Mehlman, who has spent his recent days trying to undo all the ungodly damage he did by orchestrating the most anti-gay political campaign in modern memory.

- Former Republican member of Washington state House, Jim West, who died a closeted internet chicken-hawker whose biggest regret was once voting to forbid homos from teaching in public schools.

- Disgraced former Republican U.S. representative from Florida Mark Foley whose resignation narrowly helped him avoid a criminal inquiry into his decade-long attempts to make butt boys out of young Congressional male pages.

- Married Evangelical pastor Ted Haggard who publicly supported anti-gay laws while privately supporting his three-year-long meth habit with a prostitute (or so his hustler said).

- Glenn Murphy Jr.—former president of the Young Republican National Federation—who advocated "straight family values" and later became a registered sex offender after trying to suck a sleeping man's dong.

- Homo-hating pastor Eddie Long who paid an undisclosed amount of hush money to silence four young men who accused Long of seducing them into quasi-religious sexual relationships.

- Former Florida State Representative Robert Allen who offered an undercover cop $20 for a beej in a park bathroom because (according to Allen) he thought the black cop wanted to rob him. Sure, because best way to fend off a guy who wants to rob you is to offer him a low-budget blow-jay.

Here's the thing: if you really have to, you can do as many drugs and male prostitutes as you like. But at least do it with some modicum of honor and not while denying rights to gays who live more honest lives than yours.