Queers and The Hard Stuff

I proudly stand with TV’s “Wiseguy” (and for mer Primetime hot guy) Ken Wahl, who once said, “Vodka -- and only vodka.”

It’s not like I won’t drink beer. I’ve been at barbeques thrown by straight friends where the only beverages offered were Budweiser, Capri Sun and water. Well, of course in those situations I shrug, scratch the imaginary stubble on my cheek, deepen my voice to a friendly growl and call out to the hostess’s husband, “Hey dude, pass me a brewski, would ya?”

Now, when I suspect I’m going to be put in a similar type of setting, I consider smuggling in my own half-pint of Ketel One (mmmm … Ketel and Capri Sun). But my mother always taught me to gratefully accept whatever the host has to offer, so I’ve resisted.

But if the point is to have something tasty, sophisticated and strong, there’s nothing like the clean, icy-cold taste of a good vodka cocktail. Just look at our Sex and the City heroines, whose legendary dish sessions seemed always to be accompanied by round after round of cosmopolitans.

I admit, I’ve never really been a fan of the cosmo – too frou-frou and too sugary, and the cocktail gives you one mo-fo of a hangover the next day (or maybe the cause of my pain was that I partook of the concoction the way Juno downed Sunny Delite). I’m basically a vodka-and-soda kind of guy, though occasionally I’ll have a screwdriver or a bloody mary at brunch. You have to get your vitamins somewhere, after all. (You really shouldn’t drink beer at brunch – beer and eggs benedict just seem wrong together.)

Through dedicated consumption I've upgraded my brands slowly but surely through the decades, starting at the bottom with Smirnoff and Popov (it must be good! It sounds so Russian!), then on to Skyy and i ts promise of no hangovers (yeah right), and then gradually climbing the shelves to Stoli, Absolut and Belvedere to where I am today, usually hovering around the Ketel One and Grey Goose area, with some Hangar One and Effen thrown in for fun.

Now don’t get me wrong – I know there are legions of sophisticated beer lovers out there who consider the quality, body, flavor and potency of their favorite brews as thoughtfully (and sometimes as snobbily) as wine aficionados consider the characteristics of their libation of choice, yet my beer-drinking brethren seem to be able to revisit the low-grade brands of their youth through some nostalgic thirst in a way us vodka drinkers don’t. They can pick up a can of Coors at a barbecue and savor it as if it were the memory of their first ride in the bed of a pickup or their first drink of water from a stream. (I, regretfully, have never ridden in a pickup truck, and I think Coors tastes like pee.)

But the truth is, no matter how noble the beer, it still makes you bloated, it makes you burp (no fun dur ing a makeout session) and it makes the line to the bar’s bathroom way too long.

Still, I say – beer drinkers and vodka drinkers unite! Let’s join together the way the democrats did after the battle between Hillary and Barack. We love the same things after all – fun, community and a good buzz.
The next time I see you, hunky beer drinker, standing in the middle of the bar with your bottle of Bud in hand, looking like you’ve just fallen out of the back of a pickup truck (which, now that I think of it, is pretty dang sexy), I’ll toast you – with my delicious, icey, and ever-superior glass of Ketel One.

(Images courtesy of Getty)