Is Your Husband a Homo?
Crazy website, Christwire, wrote an amazeballs checklist to figure out if you're a poor, hapless straight girl who unknowingly married a big old faggot. The jury is still out on whether or not Christwire is a parody site or a legit "kill the heathens" Christian site. But that doesn't matter for our discussion here.
Why is this list amazeballs? Because it's so insanely stereotyped that when you read it you kind of think you're reading one of those funny joke columns we do here on Gay.com.
So here it is... BUT WITH PICTURES AND COMMENTARY! (Our notes are in class Gay.com blue!)
Is My Husband GAY?
Right now in America there are over 2 million couples secretly struggling with homosexuality in their marriages. (May we have their cell numbers, please?)
Homosexuality can pop up at any time during a long-term relationship. (BOO! Like a gay wolf man hiding in your closet!) Homosexuality can appear later in life when men crave some escape from the monotony of careers and home life. (Because straight life is soooo boring.) Same-sex experimentation is also connected to drug or alcohol abuse. (Please! The only time I've come close to a vagina was when I was drunk in college. But a penis? I've ALWAYS known how to handle one of those.)
For the wife unsure about her husband’s proclivities, (Like secretly bobbing on a baloney pony.) the most important thing is to confirm your suspicions:
1) Secretive late night use of cellphones and computers
Porn addiction is closely associated with homosexuality. (Not if the porn they're looking at involves two jugs and a box lunch at the "Y" it doesn't.)
2) Looks at other men in a flirtatious way
Is he fond of winking at people? (Because winking is a CLEAR sign that he's a Tinkerbell. But to be sure, see if he's winking anything else. Ask him to drop his pants so you can check it out.)
3) Feigning attention in church and prayer groups
Does it ever seem as if he’s just using church as an excuse to spend time around young men? Does he volunteer to mentor in all-male groups? (Does he lead the choir? Because those guys are total hymnal huggers.)
4) Overly fastidious about his appearance
Natural men have a certain amount of grit about them. (Translation: Christian men who like Christwire are fat slobs.) They sweat and they smell. (Like a big ol' butt-slapping, chaps-wearing leather daddy, perhaps?) Does your man tweeze his eyebrows, trim his pubic hairs or use face moisturizers? (Ladies, if he doesn't do these things then he should. You don't want some unibrow stinky kooter who's got such a big bush around his junk that you spend the next day hacking out curly Qs like a cat with a hairball.)
5) Gym membership but no interest in sports
Gay men use the gym as a place to socialize and to have secret liaisons in the bathrooms. (Could you give us the address of that gym, please?) If your man returns from the gym too exhausted to talk or have sex, that is a worrisome sign. (Not for me. I just scored a self-hating homo at the gym. BAM!)
6) Clothes that are too tight and too “trendy”
Gay men don’t need words to communicate their availability for sex “hook ups.” (Why is that in quotes? They are honest-to-God genuine hook ups. There's no need for quote marks.) They silently broadcast the news by showing off their lean, hard bodies in designer clothing labels. (Actually, we just give crazy gay eyes to one another and then say, "Wanna Fuck?")
7) Strange sexual demands
Fetishism is a sign that a man is seeking a harder thrill beyond the normal intimacy of heterosexual relations. The woman may not appeal to the deep desires that are coming to the surface as the marriage drags on. (Please note: "drags on." Because even the writers of this article know that straight marriage is a drag. UGH!) If there is a sudden interest in sodomy, sadomasochism, lubricants, role-play, sex toys or other non-traditional intercourse methods, this is clearly an indication of deep emotional abnormalities. (Don't knock a good, well lubed dildo while being tied up in a doctor/patient scene until you've tried it. That's some good lovin'...)
8) More interested in the men than the women in pornographic films
Pornography is a dangerous element in any marriage (Beware!... BEWARE!) but if you have gone down this road (Hah!... You said, "gone down.") and find that your man perks up (Hah! You said, "perks up.") at the sight of the men in these sorts of videos, you should be concerned. (Can't you just picture the husband falling asleep during a screening of Titty Titty Bang Bang until the Dick Van Dyke porn star starts singing and then he joins in? Fun.)
9) Travels frequently to big cities or Asia
("Or Asia." It sounds like such a random after-thought, doesn't it? How very rude!... Now where the hell did my lady boy go?)
10) Too many friendly young male friends
Do they touch each other or embrace in long hugs? Do they exchange expensive, personal gifts like scarves or cologne? (#1. Give me a daddy over a young dude any day. #2. If a guy gives me a scarf or cologne as a gift he's totally gay—as in "stupid" but not a homo. #3. If that cologne is Drakkar Noir I'm totally kicking his ass.)
11) Sassy, sarcastic and ironic around his friends
(You won't get any argument from me. If I see a married man doing that, I'm like, "GIRL, please!")
12) Love of pop culture
Gossip websites, Glee and The Golden Girls are three well-documented icons of the gay movement (on Gay.com as a matter of fact) that genuine heterosexual men avoid. (You forgot Wonder Woman, Buffy, and UFC—Ultimate Fighting Championship—which is SO gay.)
13) Extroverted about his bare chest in public
Does he go shirtless in the back yard or at picnics when other men are around? (If he's in the military he does...) Does he wear a speedo at the beach? (I've got to admit, unless he's European, that is a definite sign he's a fudge packer.)
14) Sudden heavy drinking
Sometimes people dealing with an unbearable emotional issue like homosexuality will turn to alcohol to hide their distress. (Others are just alcoholics.) Does your man disappear on drinking binges for long hours without answering his cellphone? Is there a strange odor about him when he returns, some strange mix of cigarettes and gel? (Or those trees that smell like mushrooms mixed with chlorinated water from a hot tub? Or maybe the scent of saliva mixed with Drakkar Noir cologne? These should all be good signs because, per #4 gay men hate to smell skanky.)
15) Ladies, have you dated men in the past who turned out to be gay?
Statistics have shown that women who have encountered gay men romantically in the past are the most likely to repeat this mistake in future relationships. (This is where the article turns on you and says that if you've done it in the past and are doing it again, then your unhappiness is YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT. Stupid. You should'a known you was sleeping with a big old boner loving homo. You, my dear, are the one who put the "whore" in horrible marriage.)
To read the fully insane article without any of our edits, click here.