Writes of Passage: Aaron Alper

Dear Aaron,

You love reading, and your attention span has never been great, so I think this would be easier for both of us if we lay this out as a book. Don’t worry. I’ll keep the chapters brief.

I also have italicized the important parts for you.

You lazy bastard.

First things first. You’re an artist. This is your true identity. Everything else, including being gay, is just an afterthought.

The great epiphany will come while you’re watching That 70’s Show with your dorm mate, who you’re smitten with. I don’t blame you; he did let you kiss him after you took him to his first Tori Amos concert.

It will feel as if an emotional pimple in your psyche has popped without prompting. You will turn to your dorm mate and say those two big words. He will respond with:

“That’s cool. If I had anything important to tell you, I would.”

This will be one of the most untrue statements you’ll ever hear. By the time summer comes, whatever was blossoming between you both will have wilted.

Straight boys, even the ones with quotation marks around their titles, are off limits. And, no matter how enlightened you think you are, you won’t be the great catalyst to help them come out of the closet.

Aside from that, coming out will be really pleasant for you. Your friends will say they knew. Even your parents will be fine with it.

Thank Mom and Dad for being so accepting. That is a silver spoon in its own right.

College is a great place to come out. Anything and everything goes in college. Every gay man should sleep with a woman once; it’s like visiting a foreign country and it gives you a broader world view. Be proud that you got that one right.

Despite the women though, you’re still gay and that’s nothing to sneeze at. You will fall in love for the first time, even if he is “straight.” It will end the morning after you kiss him for the first time. You will think it’s the end of the world. It isn’t. In fact, years later, you will run into him at a party, where he will be overweight and addicted to drugs. You will feel pity for him, and consider letting him back into your life, until he asks you for money while rubbing your back. If someone touches you while talking about money, run away.

In case you weren’t paying attention, I’ll say it again: No “straight” boys!

You will attempt the gay bars, but feel deep shame when you realize nobody will talk to you because you’re fat. Gay men may look festive, but a lot of them are just nasty creatures. Don’t let it bother you. They’re trying to become the popular kids that mocked them when they were younger.

Still, that judgment will upset you and, because of it, you will spend a majority of the next couple years alone. Then one on day, out of the blue, you will button down and lose close to 200 pounds. You’ll join a gym and get a tan. People will congratulate you constantly. You will have to reintroduce yourself to people who hadn’t seen you in a while. It will be strange, and you won’t handle the attention well. Occasionally, you’ll come home from a night of drinking and be utterly confused by this handsome drunken stranger staring back at you in the mirror.

You’ll attempt the gay bars again. This time you will succeed. You will turn heads everywhere you go. At first it will feel glorious, especially when men who don’t remember rolling their eyes at you years before suddenly hit on you. You’ll get sucked into the scene. You’ll play it safe at first, using your best girlfriends as buoys for an ocean you don’t know how to swim in.

A note about your girlfriends: Most, but not all, have been in love with you for years. When they leave you for serious boyfriends you will be crushed, but you can’t blame them for this. You both will lose a chance for happiness if you keep pretending to be each other’s accessories.

Eventually you’ll step out into the world of gay sexuality. And why not? You’re handsome now, so everything is perfect, right?

Nein. If you think like a shallow person, be ready to hang out with equally shallow people.

What you’ll discover about the gay bars is that, while attempting to create the idea of community, they’re fatally flawed. All bars are based around alcohol. True love is never discovered during a drinking binge.

Around this time, you’ll fall in love again, with yet another “straight” boy. You’ll love the same literature, music, and films. He will be everything you’re looking for in a man, except for the fact that he is dating a real bitch. When he dumps her, you’ll be overjoyed. Still, you will want to make him jealous, so you will continue practicing irresponsible behavior at the bars to watch him salivate. Using sex to make people jealous is not only dangerous, it is fundamentally stupid.

One night, you’ll meet a handsome older man. You will get to know him over the span of a few weeks. He will tell you he is an undertaker, which you will find eerie and fascinating. You will go home with him one night, and then talk about it with your new, super-shallow gay friends. They will tell you that it is public knowledge to everyone— except you— that he is HIV positive. There are men out there who have HIV and have no problem spreading it.

You will confront the man, and he will act sheepish about it. This will be the one time you’ve ever resorted to violence in your life. You won’t regret it.

That next morning, you’ll get your first taste of what it is like to get tested for HIV, and the experience will unravel a new level of hatred for your sexuality you never knew was there. To this day, it will be something you’re coming to grips with. Even gay men have to grapple with homophobia. You can counteract this with art, music, and literature from gay people. David Sedaris, Tony Kushner, Richard Day, and Charles Busch are good places to start. Oh, and Quentin Crisp too.

These incidents will stop you from going out to the bars, and you will run to the “straight” boy you’re in love with. He will comfort you and give you affection. One night he will make it clear that he wants you, but you will refrain from making a move because you aren’t sure yet whether you’re infected or not. This will be your last chance to touch him before he leaves you for no particular reason, other than the fact that he is “straight.”

After that, you spend most of your days alone again. You speak infrequently. You sob when you see sunlight.

And the only thing you can blame is the shattered heart in your chest, which keeps beating. It keeps pushing blood through you. Blood that one day may kill you.

You didn’t think I’d let it end like that, did you? Of course not. I am not Lester Burnham.

The road to recovery will be long after that. Eventually you find out that you’re entirely free of disease. Remember before when I said to count yourself lucky? Do it again and remember: Beginner’s luck ends after the first round. HIV may be the monster that every gay man avoids during polite conversation, but the monster is real. The popular notion of being gay is that you have to be promiscuous. This is a lie. Don’t just practice safe sex; practice discerning safe sex as well. Sometimes being a conservative isn’t as appalling as it seems.

I would like to tell you more information, but I am still doing research. I will leave you, then, with a quote from Joseph Campbell:

"If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it's not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That's why it's your path."

Happy trails on the Brokeback Mountain.

Regards,
-A

P.S. Remember, no “straight” men.

Read more letters in our National Coming Out Day section on Gay.com.