Nine Randy Roads toBeating Off the Recession

By: Joe Thompson

Remember phone sex? There was a time when guys could earn tons of cash sitting on a phone making dirty talk. It still exists, but mostly for women working straight phone lines. So what do you do if you need quick cash, don't have a lot of skills (or just have a huge ego), but are too shy or afraid to dive headfirst into a hardcore porn career or actual sex work?

Get creative.

What follows are 9 options with real earning potential based on your motivation and level of desperation. Some are easy money. Some require a teensy amount of personal exploitation. And some are flat-out borderline hooking. You decide what you’re most comfortable doing.

We’re not here to judge.

Josh_4_20010826_1880007353 1. Find an aging “patron”
Perfect for the college student or recent graduate looking to pay back his student loans. Find a vintage queen who dresses like a professor, wears a tell-tale pinky ring, and wants to talk about Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. It doesn’t matter if you’ve never heard of Joan Crawford and Bette Davis. They’ll explain it all, in a huffy tone they use to mask their zeal for indoctrinating you in the ways of all things old-fashiony and gay. 

Occasionally, they might want to see you shirtless or in your underwear. They might also occasionally want to tenderly touch your young, nubile, non-saggy skin. Let them. It’s not really whorish. Not yet, anyway. Besides, they’re very kind and they want to be extra kind to you. So be kind back.

2. Sell your used clothing
T-shirts, tube socks, and beat-up sneakers are all in demand on the internet. Some buyers just want your sweaty gym gear. Some want…more than that. But the great thing here is that you do what you want to the clothing, and that fetish-having man will find you and pour money into your PayPal account.

Steven_daigle_15_20100318_1966622988 3. Get a couple webcams
Set them up in your house. Get a website. Take off your clothes. Post the times you’ll be home and, more importantly, when you’re likely to be showering or doing nude yoga or getting it on with your boyfriend.

Too much work? Set up a blog or website with a click-and-pay features that allow people to give what they want every time you post a semi-nude or nude picture or series of pictures. It’s almost like getting paid to sit on the couch and scratch your junk. Just make sure to let your visitors know what time the scratching is going down.



Dino_depalma_2_20090603_1974952808 4. Nude modeling
This is the classy option. Find a nearby school with art classes. They always need people to pose in still positions for drawing and painting classes.

Resolutely hirsute? Devoutly chunky? The nude modeling world is also open to you. Classes are frequently in pursuit of “normal-bodied” models so that future Lucien Freuds can practice their craft as well. Now, given that a lot of people have pesky “body issues” that prevent them from doing this sort of thing, it’s understandable that you might feel a little weird having your non-abs thought of as “art.” But if you’re evolved enough, it’s something to consider.

In either case, you aren’t expected to get an erection, you get breaks, you get a robe in between posing sessions, and eventually you’ll be able to hit on the hottest person in class and probably score because they’ve already spent hours staring at your schlong.1-copy

5. Go-go dancing
In this case a good body does help, but many cities have bear nights where chub love is needed. And let's face it: Dancers these days don't need rhythm, all they need is a willingness to show some skin and let guys hand them cash.

However, you will grab more green if you're friendly, smile a bit, flex a bit more, and let the guys grope your goods when they come over to tip.

6. Nude housecleaning / bartending / DJing
Depending on which one of these you can score, the work is either really difficult and grimy or the easiest job on the planet. We’ll start with the housecleaning—you actually have to clean the house while you’re naked. You’ll probably be KirkCummings_DJ_136allowed to shower when you’re through, but the client might also think sex is on the menu. David Sedaris once wrote an essay about a creepy housecleaning client who wanted to do him, so don’t think it can’t happen to you.

Nude bartending usually takes place at private events, but be prepared for quizzical looks when you're at Target two weeks later and run into some guy buying the high-protein Archer Farms breakfast cereal. Chances are good he was at that party.

Nude DJing is the rarest of these gigs, but we know someone on the West Coast who does it with some frequency. His job? Play music and bounce around. It’s like his dong is doing a little dance when that happens. His tips are packed in a big jar.



Softcore_Getty_52469386 7. Soft-core porn
Don’t kid yourself: If you do any sort of porn, your family will eventually find out. Someone will have a son who’s gay and who knows a guy who knows you, and that will eventually find its way back to the people you’d like least to know about your sex life. So don’t you agree that, in order to soften that bit of news, being able to say, “Look, it’s an art film!” would be really helpful here?

Believe it or not, there is a division of gay consumers out there who buy soft-core gay movies. They want more romance than penis in their porn. They want lovey-dovey stories and soft lighting and music. They want wrestling or models coming out of a pool. In other words, these men are chicks. But don’t think for a second that it doesn’t pay. Companies that make this stuff are all over the place. Go find them and let them check your teeth and measure your pecs. (That’s probably the entire audition process.)

Sugarday_lorez81642477 8. “Massage therapy”
To call yourself a real massage therapist you will need a license. It’s a serious and real job, and it never involves playing with the customer. But gay and gay-adjacent guys have mutated this profession into something that works out really well for all involved: hot guys trained in human musculature—or not trained at all—will give you a semi-real or half-assed massage on a real massage table or even a bed (“if the client requests a bed for their personal comfort”) and then will give you a nice hand job when it’s over. Most will say, “I am paid for this massage. My decision to get you off is my personal business and not included in the paid service.” And if the semantics police knock on your door, you’re all welcome to stand around and argue about the true definition of the word release.

9. Just go get a sugar daddy already
Yes, you’ll have to put out. But not that much after the first few months. And it’s as stable a career as any. Best of all, it involves a lot of travel, shopping, and lying by pools. Ask any young hot woman involved with a much older man and she’ll give you hint by hint on how to keep it going. And sure, some people—jealous gays who didn’t think of it first or never got the opportunity—will call you a whore for doing it, but to the rest of the world it appears as innocent as a very devoted son tending to his dad. They won’t even think to ask about the oral part. Everyone wins.

Writer Russell Griffin contributed to this story.