Infatuation Intoxication

We've all seen it in others. A friend is taken by a "sweet young
thang" and before a month goes by, the two of them are convinced they
were born to be soulmates. What's worse, they're already looking for an
apartment together. We all can see it's not going to last, except for
the punch-drunk couple. What makes me laugh out loud is that I'm just
as "off my rocker" when it happens to me!

I love infatuation. I
can't get enough of it. Every day is better when I'm infatuated with
someone. It is positively intoxicating. I have the strength to conquer
any difficulty when I'm infatuated. However, in hindsight, I have made
some pretty silly, yet painful and regretful, decisions under its
influence.

Does this mean that infatuation is evil, wrong,
inadvisable and avoidable? None of the above! In fact, in her
groundbreaking book "Love and Limerence," Dorothy Tennov investigated
more than 500 people about their limerent experiences. With very rare
exception, her research showed that everyone "falls in love" with
someone or something at some point in life, whether or not this kind of
love is returned.

Noticeably, this experience has several labels
with slightly different meanings -- infatuation, "in love," limerence,
"a crush" and more. For some reason, the title "infatuation" rings most
true for me. As you can see, creating an accurate title, much less an
accurate definition, is incredibly elusive. And don't get me started on
how our society idealizes it, more so than an actual relationship.
Needless to say, infatuation alone does not a relationship make. But
who's to say we can't enjoy both? So consider an approach that helps
maximize the pleasure and minimize the pain of infatuation.

First,
recognize that infatuation comes and goes in different degrees. Tennov
found, except for a few cases of unrequited love, the infatuated state
is not constant and not always focused on the same person or object.
Accept it as one of the hard facts of life, but don't forget, chances
are it will be experienced again.

Second, a large part of what we initially see while infatuated is what we think
we see in the other person -- what our fantasy is of the other person.
So it might be "love at first sight," but that doesn't mean I
thoroughly know the other person. If it was possible for my love
interest to completely and instantly reveal to me all he is, I still
have to remove all of the unrealistic fantasies I place on him and vice
versa. And, honey, that doesn't happen overnight. Even if we were the
most self-actualized, present, truthful, issue-free guys, it still
takes time. There's no wrongdoing or flaw on anybody's part. It's just
plain interpersonal limitations. So how is it possible to make an
authentic commitment to another when much of what I see is possibly
unreal? The better question is: Why make such important life decisions while we're so high on infatuation?

Of course, people do it all the time, but often a premature
commitment is more about attempting to capture and prolong the good
feelings of infatuation than it is about informed, mutual life
planning. Granted, we're not consciously grasping at straws; we really
are blinded by this overwhelming joy.

So the solution is easy
-- don't make big decisions, just enjoy! You're already "gah-oo-gah"
about each other! Ride the wild fun of getting to know each other. Why
not revel in the discovery and soak up every drop of vulnerability
offered by your revealing stranger. Dive headlong into pleasuring each
other and become intoxicated investigators. Have so much fun that
there's no need to make any decisions yet. Play so creatively that
there won't be any lifelong regrets. Count on infatuation changing over
time, and figure out the details of the future after sobering up. I
know it's cliché, but if you're meant for each other, that will still
be true a year from now, so take your time making commitments, but have
all the fun you can choke down.

This approach has been helpful
for couples in open relationships, too. Maybe my partner is infatuated
with that guy he met on man-sniffer.com, but it's not the end of your
relationship. It's just infatuation, and everyone involved knows,
sooner or later, the excitement will calm down.

So lap up every
drop of infatuation you can get your hands on. Just don't sell the farm
because of it. Wisely make a promise to yourself to wait six months to
a year before making any kind of commitment to someone else. I'll bet
hard cash that when the commitment is made, the infatuation will flare
up all over again -- even hotter! So why overplan? Enjoy!

(Photo: Getty Images)

Dr. Jallen Rix holds a doctorate of education in sexology and specializes in maximizing sexual pleasure for singles and
couples, "ex-gay" recovery, religious abuse and creative approaches to
sex education. You can learn more about Dr. Rix at his website.