Chat Room Love

"I am a Chinese guy in Shanghai and met a guy from Canada in gay.com chatroom.  We met in Shanghai recently and he’s planning to come here to work next year.  I fell in love.  He told me he loved me too.  We chat online every day, which is important for me, but not for him.  He thinks I shouldn’t wait the whole morning just for a chat.  I am so upset.  In this situation, chatting online is the only way to communicate with each other. If we stop, the only way to maintain our relationship will be cut off, then the love will fade away. But he disagrees with me."

Adam:
I wonder whether your friend has more going on in his life than you do.  Does his unwillingness to chat every day perhaps suggest he has other calls on his time?  Hobbies, cultural interests, for example?  Such diversions are important.  They make us more interesting people and give us more to talk about.  What are your interests and what can you do to pursue them more?  Doing such things means the time between chats with your Canadian friend will pass more quickly, and you may have more to say.

Tony:
It’s difficult to conduct and keep such distance relationships, isn’t it?  Chatroom technology helps us do this now, but I wonder whether it creates false expectations.  Even if he were in Shanghai, would you expect to speak to him every single day as you form an evolving romance?  Does it really suggest he doesn’t love you if you don’t speak every day?  What about agreeing how and how often you will speak to each other?  And remember there are cheap phone calls, emails and, dare I say it, letters that are great forms of romantic communication too!

Adam:
Can you shift your attention away from the frequency with which you chat to the quality of the communication you share?  To my mind, it’s better to have fewer, but more meaningful times when you’re in contact, rather than insisting on daily contact.  If you chat less frequently, it doesn’t mean you’re cutting off your relationship.

Tony:
I sense that you are equating how often he agrees to speak to you with how much he loves you.  Perhaps it’s healthier to ask yourself what are the qualities and feelings that brought you together in the first place.  What is it about him you love?  What does he love about you – if you don’t know, why not ask him?  In the end, these form the foundation for the future of a strong relationship.  Work on these; don’t worry how often you chat.  Keep in touch, and, if it’s really working, he’ll turn up on your doorstep when he comes to Shanghai next year, won’t he!?

Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com

(Photo: Getty Images)