Dear Adam & Tony: Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star ...

Dear Tony and Adam, here is the problem: I am a 44yo white man.  I am a large and furry man, a bear.  I do NOT like other bears.  I do however, like twinks.  That's part of the problem.  Most twinks I know or talk to like other twinks.  
I have tried really hard to like guys my age and my build but I can't.  I know its sounds shallow and maybe I am, but I don't know what to do. 
Any ideas? 

Lenny

Dear Lenny,

Tony:
Lenny, you say you don’t ‘like’ bears, but you do ‘like’ twinks.  Quite a generalization there.  This suggests you are talking about a category of people, which is defined only and purely by looks, not personality.  Twinks are the stars in your eyes.  Which in turn means this is all about physical attraction, not friendship, partnership and relationship?  Because human warmth, sociability and companionship can come from so many ‘types’, right?

Adam:
You say that most twinks like others their own age.  While this may be true, there are plenty of younger men who actively seek relationships with older guys.  If you’re convinced that no young man will be interested in you because you’re 44, big and hairy, then you’ll miss the signals given off by those who may be interested in you because of your physical and mature attributes.

Tony:
I think it’s great you’re honest about your desires, Lenny; and of course we all want to find people who we are physically attracted to.  You can’t force that, so go out and seek whatever types of people you want of course.  But my challenge to you is this: you said you might sound ‘shallow’, so ask yourself, is wanting a particular type enough; is it what you really want; and is the purely physical your major concern in relationships and dating?  The most beautiful people may only offer you very limited satisfaction in the long term, be they twinks or not.  Even those furry men could give you something fulfilling and enduring.

Adam:
I would be bolder than Tony.  Stay with the fact that you’re looking for a younger man.  And dare to believe that such a man will find you attractive.  If you open yourself to this possibility, you’ll be alert to the signs of interest that younger guys show you.  You’ll also give off signals that they’ll pick up that you’re interested in them.  May you find that twinkle in your eye!

(Photo: Getty Images)

Life partners for more than 20 years, Adam Clark and Tony Dines are the United Kingdom's leading life coaches specializing in the needs of gay men. They have a private practice in London and offer face-to-face, telephone and email coaching to men throughout the world. Check their website for information about private consultations.

Do you have a question about how to improve your life or your dating situation? Send an e-mail to dating@planetoutinc.com