Just the Tip #27: "Ex Marks the Spot"

My ex boyfriend, Clint, opens the door in slacks and no shirt, having just stepped out of the shower. We hug and kiss in that friendly way, but as I smell his warm skin the embrace lasts a second longer than it should. I get excited again, like I did when we first started dating. And then, just as I try to pull myself way, I feel Clint squeezing me tighter, not letting go. My hands instinctively glide over his smooth, muscular back.

In an instant we're really kissing, and our hands move quickly, like we’ve got a desperately short amount of time to get this done. I push him backwards and yank open his pants to get busy.

Clint decides it's time to close the front door.

Moments later, after going through every position imaginable with my hot ex, I hit my peak… only to find myself alone in my bedroom. Or with another guy. Or, sometimes, in Clint’s arms.

Sex with an ex can be some of the hottest action in the world—whether that be in reality or just in your mind. Perhaps it’s because he knows exactly how to get you going. Perhaps, as my buddy Ruben observes, “It’s like you’re doing something you know is bad for you, and yet that’s exactly why it’s so thrilling.” Either way, here are some things to keep in mind when navigating these wonky waters.

Don’t feel guilty about it.

• Just because you broke up doesn’t mean everything about that relationship sucked. If the sex was good, embrace those memories.
• Sex writers like Susie Bright point out that great sex starts in the head—your big head, that is— so if fantasies about your ex help with your J/O sessions then let your mind wander.
• Fantasizing about an ex during sex is okay… with limits. Studies show that lots of people fantasize about someone other than the person they’re having sex with, but if it’s something you do all the time with your current boyfriend, then that might be a red flag that you’re having a problem in your relationship. One word of advice: “Don’t yell out his name when your orgasm,” says Ruben. “It can complicate things.”

And what if you’re actually hooking up with your ex?

• Know yourself. If you’re still emotionally attached, don’t do it. It’ll just screw you up.
• Know his state. It doesn’t matter how good the sex was, if he’s still in love/lust with you then don’t do it. A good lay is no excuse for screwing with someone’s emotions.
• Enjoy it for what it is—a trick—and don’t get possessive. 
• Have a grasp on reality. The issues why you broke up are still there, so chances are you won't fall madly in love again. Just go with the flow and don't set expectations.
• Establish rules between the two of you so that you can enjoy the good stuff and not get wrapped up in the baggage of your old relationship.
• Decide with your ex how you’ll answer someone who sees you two together and thinks you’re dating again. As Ruben says, "Queens gossip, and someone will find out. So you both need to agree about how you'll handle the rumors once people start talking."

Remember that this is just sex, and sex is a good thing. So if you can have sex with your ex, either in your imagination or in real life, then you do it in a healthy way and enjoy yourself.

Images courtesy of Men Machine.