A Very Special Dear Dick
My name is Justin. I'm 18 and fully out. I was so afraid to come out and just be able to express myself. I was so concerned with what others wanted and expected that I forgot what I wanted and expected from myself. But everything went well. My mom is supportive (I'm living with her until this summer when I'll leave for college to study computers) and it’s brought my sister and friends closer.
The problem is that I'm from Iowa, and I'm sure there is someone nearby for me, I'm just having a really hard time finding him. I'm looking for a guy who likes me for me, doesn't want just sex, and who will be able to talk to me besides asking the usual questions like: How big is it? Are you a top or bottom? What fantasies do you have? Can I see you naked on cam?
When I do find someone nearby who can hold a conversation, their looks don't meet my preferences. It seems like all the guys wanting relationships and who have great bodies are outside of state or in another continent altogether. I have high expectations, but I think that's a good thing. [I don’t think] it's because I'm being too picky, is it?
Why is it hard to find people? You would think that someone would want me.
NOTE TO READERS: Dear Dick is normally an anonymous column, but he got Justin’s permission to print his picture.
Congrats to you for coming out and getting ready to move away to college. Trust me when I say that this move will probably help with the meeting guys issue. God knows that when Dear Dick went off to a higher institution he finally experienced real dating highs (like falling in love) and lows (like catching crabs, so know the kind of guy you’re humping in the dorm before you hump him).
Now let’s handle the real crap. You are adorable, there is nothing wrong with you, and I’m sure there are tons of men reading this who do want you. Men are pigs. Period. Dear Dick is a pig (and quite proud of that, thank you). It’s just a fact that you have to learn to manage. Men want to hook up, and when they approach you the initial interest usually stems from looks, not from being nerdy or having a lovely personality.
You should treat every encounter like you did your coming out process. Know what you want, know what you need (because they're not always the same thing), and stay true to yourself. Trust in all those positive qualities you know you possess—that you are smart, have goals, are looking for a specific kind of guy, etc.—and use those qualities to help you navigate around the pigpen.
Another thing: There is NOTHING wrong with you wanting a guy who has a certain type of body or looks. Remember, you are a man and you can also be a pig. And again, there is NOTHING wrong with that. Part of what’s so amazing about being a gay or bi man is that we have this intense sexual drive and can act on it. (We also have taste, class, culture and a biting sense of humor, but that’s for another letter.) That sex drive can also be part of our downfall when we let it control us. So embrace your urges to help you fully realize your queerness, while at the same time trusting in those positive qualities that keep you grounded in reality.
Okay, so your big question: Why is it hard to find people? To that answer, I turn to OUR READERS…
Dear Dick thinks you guys can help young Justin. We’ve all been through these same feelings; hell, we sometimes feel them no matter what our age. So offer your thoughts below and let the young man glean some wisdom from your experience.
You can also email Justin via his Gay.com profile (Dear Dick got his permission to do that, too). Definitely write him if you’re in Iowa and think you might be the kind of guy he’d like to meet.
Dear Dick isn't that old, nor is he licensed in any medical or psychological field, but he has been around a lot and loves talking about it.
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