Dear Dick: Revealing Your Dirty Secrets

Dear Dick,

I have a new boyfriend. We’ve been dating about two months now, and things are going very well. One problem: He’s incredibly uptight about sex. His body language is all crossed arms and his verbal cues are incredibly negative. I feel like sex to him isn’t just dirty, it’s something we should all be ashamed of.

I’m perfectly willing to be sexually involved with him and even to be monogamous, because I know that’s what wants. But my question is about my own sexual past. I have one, and he barely does. In fact, he’s been mostly celibate for much of his adult life (he's 25), and I’ve been a serious slut (I'm the same age). Just yesterday he said, in regard to an unrelated statement by a friend, that he would never date anyone who’d ever been to a bathhouse. I went to a bathhouse for the last time right before we began dating.

Do I tell him that I have? Do I tell him everything else? Am I setting myself up for a doomed relationship if I do or if I don’t?

Dear C+C,

If this man is as sexually tied up in knots as you suggest, and if you’re as sexually free as you say, his distaste for bathhouses isn’t your main problem. You two may be sexually incompatible on the most basic level. Not that he’d need to indulge your promiscuity, but if you plan on monogamy with this man, he’s going to have to step up to the plate and bring the lovin’ or you’re going to be deeply unhappy.

Obviously sex isn’t the only thing that goes into making a relationship work, but Dear Dick sees way too many people downplaying its importance or considering their own needs to be shallow or frivolous. They’re not. Sex is as important as laughter or money or politics or emotional compatibility. It’s the equal of everything else that goes into making a life with another person work properly.

Now as for keeping secrets, that NEVER works. Gays gossip, and the truth will always come out. Dear Dick cautiously suggests you tell your new man that you have had a prolific sexual past and see how he responds. Preface it by saying that you're loving him and this relationship and want to be open about your past. You don't have to give him the dirty details—he probably doesn't want them anyway—but be clear that this honesty is resulting from you being in this relationship for the long haul, that you are willing to be monogamous, and that you're coming from a place of care. 

Get him to talk about his feelings or insecurities. If he won't, that's a problem. If he freaks out, that’s another big warning. We all have pasts, some of them are dirtier than others, and we may have done things we regret. But you shouldn't be in a relationship where you're always feeling judged for the things  you did back in the day.

And if he does seem cool, then you need to evaluate your own sexual needs. If he’s unwilling or unable to meet them, then this might not be your future lover. Being honest with him, and yourself, is the only way to make a monogamous relationship last.

He ain’t heavy, and he’s no doctor, but Dear Dick has got great advice to dish out. If you need some help, e-mail him.

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