Getting to the Bottom of It
By: Rick Andreoli
6.6.2010
Why gay men have hang-ups about butt love
Words by Don Shewey
Photos by Unzipped.net
Bottoming is theoretically one of the prime joys of a gay man’s sex life. And it’s true that for some it’s the center of their erotic universe. To them, anal sex is the epitome of “going all the way,” the top prize when it comes to intimate companionship. In reality, though, anyone honestly investigating the relationship between men and their bums will quickly discover that, in Facebook parlance, “it’s complicated.”
In my practice as a sex therapist I counsel many men whose ability to participate in the pleasures of bottoming is compromised by several flavors of fear and shame. I think it’s important to acknowledge right off the bat that there are plenty of myths and fears about butt sex, and it’s normal to feel them. People who are new to anal pleasure typically face 1) fear of pain, 2) fear of disease, and 3) squeamishness about excrement.
These fears are understandable. Fortunately, they can be addressed with practical information and communication. Having a sensitive partner or teacher can make a big difference. But let’s face it: You can equip yourself with all the information in the world about safer sex, douching, lube, breathing, and pillow talk—and still be phobic about bottoming.
That tells us that shame is in the picture.
There are two varieties of shame I see a lot. We might call the first one “competence shame”: Gay porn makes it look like all gay guys are experts at giving and receiving, and if I’m not—or if I don’t enjoy it—then that means there’s something wrong with me. Then there’s what’s commonly known as “bottom shame”: If I like to get screwed or even fantasize about it, that means I’m less than a man.
Bottoming brings up deeply held, often unexamined attitudes about gender roles, power, desire, being gay, and being yourself. What stops men from embracing the pleasure of bottoming almost always has to do with the personal meaning one attaches to the experience.
So where do those meanings come from? And is it possible to shift them?
First of all, to even talk about bottoming requires using what is generally considered casually brutal colloquial speech, where “getting screwed” or “getting fucked in the ass” means to be exploited, humiliated, or otherwise degraded. That language stems from the stereotypical straight male’s horror of being penetrated, which gets associated exclusively with being gay.
“Virtually all men in our society learn negative attitudes toward homosexuality early in life,” writes San Francisco–based psychologist Jack Morin in his valuable book Anal Pleasure and Health. “Those who turn out to be gay internalize these antigay messages, sometimes to a greater degree than straight men.” As Morin points out, men’s fear of homosexuality conjures the more basic fear of being viewed by oneself and others as unmanly and feminine. “A great many men try to suppress, at all cost, the soft, receptive aspects of themselves,” he says. “They fear their masculinity will be compromised and, therefore, their value as people reduced.”
“For men, weakness and vulnerability and need are negative qualities associated with women,” says Michael Cohen, a gay psychotherapist in New York City who teaches classes on anal pleasure for the Body Electric School. “Being submissive for someone else’s pleasure may feel like being passive, like our long-suffering mothers, whom we both love and despise. And sometimes just the desire for love, for attention, to be opened up, can feel humiliating and helpless, the opposite of strong and self-sufficient.”
Gay guys who’ve been tormented in childhood for being sissies learn that it’s bad to be considered effeminate. If you believe that the only real man is the stud who gets hard and does the work, then getting worked over threatens to make the fear I’m not a man come true. “There’s a surrender of what we think masculinity ought to be when we take a man’s dick into us,” says Keith Hennessy, a San Francisco–based award-winning performer and sex educator. “That’s why so much porn shifts that moment to ‘rape,’ to being taken, to not being responsible, to not choosing. The top knows that the bottom can’t willingly give in to his desires, so the top ‘forces’ the bottom for his own good.”
The internalized homophobia that Morin described shows up in the way gay guys, even among ourselves, adopt a smirky attitude toward bottoming. To call someone “a big ole bottom” is usually a put-down in the form of a comic punch line. The drag queen working the crowd picks out an audience member and asks, “Are you a top or a bottom?” And before her target has gotten two words out, she howls, “Bottom!” The essence of the joke is: Don’t kid yourself, honey. Nobody thinks you’re a man, you’re just a big girl. (That kind of joking strikes me as surprisingly hostile, like when straight guys use “cocksucker” as an insult. Shouldn’t a word that means “pleasure-giver” be the highest praise?)
Working with sex therapy clients, I often notice that all roads lead to the same conclusions: “There’s something wrong with me…I’m not man enough…I’m weak, I’m no good, I’m foolish.” That tells me that we’re not just dealing with sex; we’re actually talking about existential shame. Who I am is bad and wrong. At the core of bottom shame is the very human struggle for self-acceptance, and it can be a lifelong task to work through it.
In his book The Velvet Rage, Alan Downs suggests that gay men have their own specific journey when it comes to working through shame. “It was early abuse suffered at the hands of our peers, coupled with the fear of rejection by our parents, that ingrained in us one very strident lesson: There was something about us that was disgusting, aberrant, and essentially unlovable,” Downs writes. “To experience such shame, particularly during our childhood and adolescent years, prevents us from developing a strong sense of self.” That sense of self develops from a strong identity that is validated by your environment.
However, a gay man afraid to show himself for fear of rejection may create a “best little boy in the world” persona just to please others. Paradoxically, the validation earned by that persona ultimately doesn’t feel very satisfying, Downs notes, “since authentic validation can only occur in the context of one’s true, authentic self.”
The good news is that it is possible, with patience and support, to work through shame and early conditioning to arrive at a place of authentic self-validation. (The Velvet Rage closes with a smart list of “Lessons on Being an Authentic Gay Man, Or What Mom Didn’t Know and Dad Couldn’t Accept.”) Virtually every gay man who enjoys the pleasure of bottoming has encountered the same cultural prohibitions and potholes of shame as everybody else but has assigned a different meaning to sex, power, and pleasure, usually by focusing on his own body rather than someone else’s opinion.
“There’s power in rejecting rules and expectations of what others think a man should be,” says Hennessy. “The hungry or willing bottom definitely has power. Getting fucked is generally very active. You want it. You ask for it. You let it happen. Often you prepare [cleaning outside and/or inside] and even rehearse [with fingers or dildos].”
Pornography isn’t always effective as sex education—it can be intimidating and misleading—but you don’t have to look far to discover men bottoming without sacrificing their masculine identity. In fact, some consider the receiver to be the hallmark of “taking it like a man.” Scott Smith, webmaster of BillinExile.com (NSFW), has written extensively about serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, which is notoriously if surprisingly tolerant of rampant man-on-man sex. “With marines I always found a willingness to play either role with a high degree of comfort and definitely without shame,” Smith told me. “In the marines, sex is what men do together. It doesn’t matter if you’re top or bottom, you’re still having an extremely manly experience.”
To view sexual role-playing as a multiple-choice question rather than an either-or proposition is another way men learn to enjoy bottoming. In other words, welcoming your feminine side as well as your masculine side, the giver and the receiver. Clinging to masculinity and fleeing from femininity leaves you cut off from half your humanity. There’s wisdom in finding a balance.
My favorite example of how that plays out in the arena of butt sex comes from Tom Spanbauer’s novel The Man Who Fell in Love With the Moon. The hero of the novel, Dellwood Baker, tells his young protégé a fable about a mythological character he calls the Wild Moon Man.
“Story goes, he takes you to the bottom of the lake to his home and teaches you how to breathe water instead of air. If you don’t trust him and do what he says, you drown, and they find you floating the next morning. But if you do trust him and do as he says, story goes, when you start breathing water, that muddy old hairy goat turns into a beautiful, strong warrior and he teaches you many secrets about the true power of being a man.
“When the Wild Moon Man takes you underwater, to the hairy rusty mud, he’s taking you to your ass hole. To the place that’s as female as a man can get. You find your natural male power through your ass hole, not your dick. You find your prostate. Fire down there under all that mud and hair and water. You find in yourself what most men love women for: their ecstasy, their hole into the other world. By receiving a man into you, by receiving a man like a woman, by being as female as a man can get, what you find—if you don’t drown—is the beautiful warrior in yourself who knows both sides.”
“Men like us are lucky,” Dellwood says. “We’ve learned to breathe water.”
Don Shewey is a writer and pleasure activist in New York City. [see http://donshewey.com] A therapist in private practice, he specializes in sex and intimacy coaching. [see http://bodyandsoulwork.com]
Read Don's other feature:
Daddy / Boy: Love, Power and Masculinity
Comments
I don't feel shame about bottoming - more like anger when a guy approaches me and presents himself as "100% top". I lough - get lost, dude! The more "top" or "dominant" the guy is the more I feel confident about myself that I will break him (and I'm a bodybuilder, so I can break just about any scrawny "top", lol). I don't submit to "machos" or "doms" - but I can submit to a strong but gentle guy who likes to share pleasures in life, including the pleasure of giving his ass up to me...
Yeah, I like to bottom - and I love to top, and I want the sexual energy exchange that can only come to me when I realize that my man - who is topping me right now - will soon give or has already given his ass to me.. It just makes me COMFORTABLE with him, and I'm eager to give my own ass to a man - especially a 'top'! - who is open to giving his ass to me.
In all the books, articles, opinion pieces, I NEVER find any discussion about my "situation", or, mindset, so to speak.. it's always "shame" thing... How do you analyze when a guy doesn't have "shame" issues but more "sharing" issues? I have absolutely no shame at all - as long as my guy gives his ass to me as well.. I love to bring pleasure to my man - where he is the center of my attention - that is when I top him - love to see him orgasm under me... And I enjoy bottoming a lot as well, complete reversal of the roles - enjoy being the center of attention, being taken care of sexually, being given pleasure to. So, what does the doc say to this?
My ONLY hang-up is that I'm not getting any, dammit! Come on an' do me!
This is in response to some of the hysterical rants that were posted by some of the so-called gOys who condemned anal sex as an evil and demonic practice. Some of you guys need to come down from you're holier than thou soap boxes just long enough to hear yourselves. your smug and self rightious atittudes really stink. If I didn't know better I would have thought that some of those blogs were writted by right-wing southern baptists. What a bunch of hypocrites some of you are.
This is in response to some of the so called-gOy comments, or should I say hysterical rants that have beem made about the evils of anal sex, I got news for you, in the eyes of the religious right and other fundimental religions, all of homosexuality is evil. Some of you guys need to come down from your holyer than thow soap boxes. If some of you were trying to come off sounding like Freddy Phelps or a reincarnation Jerry Falwell, you've done pretty good job. What a bunch hypocrates you are. Tom
I've had loads of guys enter me over time, to the extent that the role I play is no big deal...it's the quality of contact. I've come to realize that how much he wants my butt and how much I want his prick are equally significant. So, there's no shame on my part for being a receiver. Why should I let such thoughts spoil my pleasure? And the sensations have only gotten better as natural lubrication has kicked in with practice; there's been no pain for ages, though I'm still tight. My only regret is that for so long I've been denied through caution the thrill of a guy's seed exploding free deep inside me. That has always been so important, despite the repugnance some other bottoms have felt, both before and since the age of AIDS.
I USE TO BE A BOTTOM 8 YEARS AGO, BUT NOW RECENT I AM BECAMEING A TOP NOW BECAUSE I SURE DO LOVE SOMEONE BUTT NOW. LOL ;-)
I'm 22 and many dont want me to bottom. I was always teased and such in school about my manliness. Told homosexuality was wrong when in was 12. and beat when i acted in on it, like chatting online and my mother found out. After that I came out the closet anyway about my sexuality. Glad I could be a strong person to do so. But i never felt more in love with someone then i do now. I didnt say i dislike bottoming, but first of all most wont let me, and another is sometimes i cant have it otherwise i am in too much pain. Or maybe i'm just thinking all that.
Lately I have taken notice that it is more difficult for younger men (18 to 25) to admit that they like or enjoy being a bottom. Even I went through this as I came to accept my homosexuality. I love to bottom today, but it definately has a process to it.
I use to be a top and when I was 22 I bottomed for the first time. I had a lot of hang ups about it after that experience because of the cleanliness factor. neither one of us were thinking, we just jumped into it. Ever since that time I'm so paranoid with it but starting to feel comfortable. I actually discussed this with my doctor who basically said... With me,my body type, my extremely high metabolic rate for my age... I need to be prepared for it. Don't expect to go on a date, have a nice dinner then have sex. It's not going to happen. There are some guys who put a little pressure on me to have sex.I don't want to sound cocky but I can't blame them, I have a 29 inch waist and a bubble butt..However When that pressure happens I start getting turned off. Even if it's just a little line like "Common, we've been together for a month now..." I'm just not that type of person to put out. I'll put out when I feel like putting it out. I wait at least 2 months before all that starts because like this article states, bottoming to me is the most intimate way two men can be together. What better way to share that than with a guy you know will be by your side.
Hemmorhoids, eh? How deliciously attractive. Why not throw in some tiny leftover crumbs of brown matter and maybe a few drops of fresh blood-red to the picture. Now isn’t that a picture of loving?
Don’t let anyone force you to believe it! Anal penetration is not a natural or sane option. Love between men is a rich and tender and masculine thing - guys being guys – it has got to be beautiful, not tinged with excrement - g0ys.org
-LarryL
Interesting to see that I'm not the only one here that is just not interested in anal sex. Like Nate G, Mike and Scott said, there are plenty of other things to do with and to a man that are more enjoyable (not to mention cleaner and less risky for STDs and HIV). And yes,a frottage article would be nice. The site www.heroichomosex.org someone posted has lots of material and ideas - that one goes straight to the bookmarks folder, thanks whoever posted that.
It's not so much that I have a moral objection, I have topped for a few guys on request, but in all honesty find it a bit of a chore, and about as erotic as drainlaying (apologies to all you drainage fetishists out there).
I do it because I want to give pleasure to the person I am with and they have asked me to do it. And it does seem to be something of an obligation in the gay community
I came out in the early 80's,just as the AIDS crisis really hit, and as horrifying as it all was, it did grant me the ideal excuse for declining to engage in anal sex. That and a bad case of piles, another excuse I've sometimes rolled out and exaggerated for effect even when I wasn't currently afflicted....
I've also had a nose around the g0ys sites posted, very interesting. Dont know how I'd fit into that, as I have always identified as exclusively gay, but I can understand where they are coming from in a number of ways. This has been a very interesting and eye opening article and discussion
Another g0y man weighing in here. To the guys that are still inexperienced...NEVER think you have to engage in any specific behaviors to express your same gender affections. The factions of gAydom that are touting anal fetishism as the 'consummate act; are lying...and dying. To the guys that were mentioning physical difficulties they were having, well, duh! You think just keeping your ass clean and wearing a condom is all the protection you need. How about stop assaulting delicate tissues in the first place? To those that equate anal sex with being able to mimic 'how a woman feels', especially the feeling of cum...bla bla, you offend me. Too many gAys want to pretend they are a woman. I have no regrets over leaving the gay community 6 years ago in favor of the g0y philosophy. 28+ years before that, of this gender-bending, irresponsible nonsense was far too much.
B-RAD,
Despite my own personal feelings that anal sex ["Lying with a man AS with a woman"] is going against God's word, the manner in which you present your view is counter-productive. God's admonition refers specifically to behavior, not a person's orientation. You simply must learn to separate behavior from orientation, and your wild flailing and use of all CAPS does your point no good.
Have you ever studied the Biblical account of David & Jonathan? While I would never go so far as to assume they had a sexual relationship, we certainly could be assured it wasn't one in which anal sex was a component. BUT, their bond was surely more than a mere friendship - as was quite common between warriors of that time in history. "...a love which surpassed even the love of women..."; "...their love found favor in God's eyes..."
By the way, in your anger...you couldn't even bother to proofread your tirade. I believe you meant "committing", not "commenting". Many of us guys that feel affection for our buddies and fellow men - but abstain from anal fetishism - are also Christian. To have someone spout off like you just did does nothing good to improve the opinions people have of Christians. Short response: SHUT UP! Do your homework and rightly divide God's word.
Lee Cox,
Bravo! You might want to explore our alternative. Sadly, too many of these jokers, as referenced in this article have ruined the term "gAy" over the last 3-4 decades. Is the author's name for real? Shewey [SHE-way? Gotta see the ironic humor in that!] I urge you to abandon the term, as we have done. The fact that you are familiar with heroichomosex.com (and surely man2manalliance.org) means you are halfway there to taking a much stronger stance. I urge you to explore and study the site linked with my info. Feel free to contact the site and mention my name for more information if you are motivated to do so.
My fellow g0ys, great to see you here and not pulling any punches!
Strive on, brother...take a stand!
Patrick
i really like that picture in a above? hoping we will to see my partner in my life? to become a relationship forever.
And another thing: don't you have to douche after being a bottom. Oh that's too much. Douche before bottoming, lubing up. Grunt through six minutes of penetration, take a shower with a guy. Do you douche with him there, and then have a romantic shower together?
Maybe anal sex should be for domestic partners; because I guarantee there are some men who do not appreciate the hosting troubles of a bottom.
Humping without penetration is fun, however. I love that spoon feel, giving it or receiving it.
Back when I was in the stages of coming out and discovering my likes and dislikes, I was introduced to another gay who liked to have it both ways.
He took his time with me, and showed me the right way to have anal sex.
To this day, I would prefer to bottom instead of topping, because I can derive greater pleasure from being a bottom.
Anal sex to me is as natural as giving a guy a blow job.
Those who have the stereo typical hangups are missing out. But, there are those who will not and don't even want to consider being a bottom. And to them I say, what is good for you is for you and no one else.
I will never ever impose on anyone who doesn't want to bottom.
Everyone else, to each there own.
I just have one reference for this writer: www.heroichomosex.com, which directly rebuts his argument that the refusal to participate in anal sex (either as a top OR as a bottom) is just the result of internalized shame and homophobia. It is the result of neither. It is simply an acknowledgement of the fact that the anus was designed to be an EXIT, not an entrance, and that not all men are hard-wired to enjoy anal sex in either role.
I'm simply not hard-wired to enjoy anal sex at all, yet I'm as gay as they come. Saying that I have some deep-seated phobia about anal sex that I could easily overcome with the right male sex partner is like saying that being gay is something that I could easily overcome by being with the right woman -- and we all know how well THAT theory has panned out!
This article seems to put too much focus on what is wrong with a person if they don't let someone put a cock in their ass. I know many black woman who have no interest in having their husband fucking them in their ass. Any one with half a brain will know that everyone is shaped differently. I came across a group in SF that encouraged the use of all these oddly shaped sex toys to "reform" the shape/contour of your rectum so that the members of the group could better take a cock up their ass. This article is totally ridiculous because it tries to validate gender, and frankly gender has no validity. Our physical bodies have almost nothing to do with the actuality of ourselves. I'm tires of all the same brainless banter that perpetuates the myths of the physical body and the physical form. Let's talk about pure reality without the wishy-washy gender roles for a moment. The reality is that the anal cavity, the rectum and the sphincter muscles are designed to work one way! Any good A.P. lecture will tell you this. Any proctologist or G.I doctor gay or straight knows that the rectum is not meant to take any object in reverse. Lets talk about anal fissures, abscesses, torn tissue, micro-cuts, swelling, and edema. Anal sex is not healthful. All this spiritual/metaphysical mumbo-jumbo about reaching your inner-female yin/yang by turning your ass into a virtual vagina is at best pusedo-science and a lot of propaganda. The truth of the matter is that men like to FUCK and they will say whatever it takes to get whoever to assume the position so that they dont have to modify their behaviour to fit the new reality. A gay man or woman no longer has to go through the whole fucking game, that the strangest thing about gay people, they have no need for the procreative part of sex yet they still go through with it. Sex is a risk, it is a risk for heteros but procreation and the continuation of the species is supposedly great enough to outweigh the risks. An orgasm is hardly worth the reward of sex. Its time to grow up people, stop thinking with your dicks like cave men. Hopefully things like hiv/aids/HEp abc will help us evolve and mature past the point of this barbaric fucking anal dick insertion game.
I am gay and I enjoy kissing, cuddling and oral sex but personally I find even the thought of anal sex to be utterly disgusting. I lost a boyfriend over it. He wanted to do it and I didn't. It has nothing to do with shame. I just think it's nasty to stick your dick in hole full of sh*t. I want my lovin' to be completely fecal matter free. I think there is a lot more to gay sex and intimacy than what you refer to as "butt love".
Sex stores sell prostate stimulators designed by doctors and they are smaller and thinner than an average erect penis; AND a person has to lube up for these little prostate stimulators.
This is why life-size penises are scary. Besides, many penises do not curve to hit the male g-spot, the prostate.
Single finger penetration is fine; and, I don't care who's an exclusive top, I believe prostate cancer is real and stimulation increases circulation in the prostate and that circulation gets the toxins out of the prostate.
I thing the way the sphincter is made is that a thick, long, excrement can come from the inside out but a thick, long penis cannot go from the outside in. You don't have to lube to make a bowel movement.
A few times after jogging I wanted to get penetrated. I even tried a dong/dildo from a sex shop; but, once I went to an upscale sex shop and saw the doctor designed prostate stimulator, I figured I'd just stay with prostate stimulators and single finger sex.
So, I moved from NYC to Texas and I think the water is hard here in the Dallas-Plano-Frisco-Allen area. I think it not only ruins glassware but this hard water is bad on teeth. I had bought the shower attachment but never used it in NYC, and now I'm too scared to have Texas water going into my bowels. I'm not afraid of colonic cleaning at all but I think colon cleansing uses distilled water. So until I can expel water probably three times until I'm rinsed clean, being a bottom is a lot to go through. Besides, when I really, tried to douche I wound up getting aroused and shooting a load, so when the boyfriend comes over and he wants to see me have an orgasm, I don't really have a full tank of cum.
Let guys wrestle, hug, have oral sex, masturbate, finger, and French kiss. Maybe someone will comment on an easier way. For me, if I have a boyfriend who comes over and says I just had a colonic, lube me up, then maybe. And vice versa.
Damn, I thought Don Shewey was dead. But almost everything reappears somewhere at some time. Your insights about sex are as astute as your insights about theatre.
YOUNG gay men have no qualms about bottoming.
It's YOUR generation.
REAL MEN take it up the ass...lol
WOW! that the heck! I could hardly belive what I was reading. The following from the story kills me.
"You find in yourself what most men love women for: their ecstasy, their hole into the other world. By receiving a man into you, by receiving a man like a woman, by being as female as a man can get, what you find—if you don’t drown—is the beautiful warrior in yourself who knows both sides.”
Why would I want to be like a female, or for that matter, why would any guy? I like being with a guy who likes being a guy! Not someone who is lost between the sexes and being used by some dude.
I agree with Jack Studly and would strongly suggest that anyone involved in, or thinking about using your "hole" in such a manner consider the facts Jack has listed.
I think the discovery of the g0ys.org site is be the best answer for any man strugling with his feelings towards men. Love is not being used, love is respecting and caring for another man.
I am a g0y, and you will never change my mind on what love and respect truly are!
Hey nothing wrong with bottoming for the right guy! I am a man! If I give it up to another man, I am still a man. More importantly I might bottom for someone but let me tell you that I am the one in control! So, the power lies with me... how deep, how long, how often, how hard. It can close as fast as it opens. So, don't let anyone fool you by saying the top gets all the power. He doesn't get all of the pleasure either. It is share and share alike! :) Anyone that calls me a big ole bottom is pissed off because they can't get in! I walk, talk, act like a man and I am one... even when I bottom
"People who are new to anal pleasure typically face 1) fear of pain, 2) fear of disease, and 3) squeamishness about excrement."
How does he write an entire article without addressing the points he made at the beginning? =/
Fail.
I love anal sex and love being submisive to a caring man but I recently contracted heptatisis C from unprotected anal sex. I also found out that I have chronic hepatasis C also and I will probaly over time died from it. So a few minutes of pleasure has a high price. But I am still attracted to having anal sex (mind blowin isn;t it). But I have been told I have a hot awesome ass and most men as soon as we get known each other want to fuck me especially bare back. I know I have issues of being accepted and liked. So gay sex gives me that acceptance since a lot of men are attracted to me. I am not femneine except in bed but I do love kissing stripping for men enjoy oral and really enjoyed nipple play especially my hot wired nipples. I sometimes feel ashamed but often times I enjoy seeing how much pleasure I brought to the top.
As a top I love butt love! As long as that hole has lots of hair around it I love to eat it before I F@#k it! I have a lage cock that guys love when I stud them. Not into little fem boys who think butt love is beneath them but they are fun to fuck and leave.
interesting article. some guys are at odds about bottoming. It's no big deal just gotta be safe. It's like heaven without my reeses cup. Who has my reeses cup?
It seems to me that the entire thrust of this article is that as soon as a guy gets over the obvious reasons why AnalSex is inherently dirty, dangerous & damn-unmasculine -that he'll be OK with the practice.
The article mentions guys who have deep feelings against AnalSex and mentions the horror of "straight guys" as being AnalSex. Did you know that there is a rapidly growing group of men who call themselves g0ys (spelled w. a zer0) that love guys -yet want nothing to do with AnalSex nor the term "gay" nor popular "gay" culture/stereotypes. These guys (g0ys -g00gle 'em) generally don't subscribe to publications like this nor scope "gay-porn" because they simply don't relate to the tone of "gheydom" -especially like that of this article. These g0ys cite silly little things, called "FACTS" (G00GLE "FACTS" if you're unfamiliar with the term) -like:
1) People who practice AnalSex are the largest demographic (by far) that constitute proctologist's (arse-doctors) patients. Why? The arse simply is NOT designed to be used as an artificial vagina and will eventually FAIL (in any number of ways). And that FACT is well known & will not budge.
2) Another FACT brought to us by the CDC & WHO (etc) is that AnalSex is +5000% more likely to spread diseases than even 0ral! Imagine that! A condom breaks once and the risk is higher than +50 unprotected blowjobs! And there are things you can ONLY CATCH via AnalSex -like certain worms & parasites. How do those FACTS taste?
3) AnalSex has been considered a CRIME for millennia in civilized nations because of the above (2) FACTS. The Greeks -who openly celebrated male/male affection as the pinnacle of masculinity -named ANALSEX as a CRIME. Considering the above (2) facts -does anyone wonder why? Moses codified that specific act in the Torah (Lev 20:13) as a capitol-crime -punishable with death. And before the ignorant decry that the punishment is too severe; --let me remind you that the prominent gay-activist, Larry Kramer calls the actions of the Gay-male community "MURDEROUS". Here's a quote: "Does it occur to you that we brought this plague of AIDS upon ourselves? I know I am getting into dangerous waters here but it is time ... And you are still doing it. You are still murdering each other." -L. Kramer
So, Moses legislated capital-punishment for murderers. Hmm.
Any "religious" connotations aside: The punishment fits the crime due to a myriad of well-documented FACTS -especially considering that STDs were a life-sentence (or death-sentence) in ancient cultures and constitute a source of endless misery -even till this very day (especially in poor nations).
And I will rapidly bring your attention back to the FACT that I am discussing an ACT -NOT a "SEXUALITY". For I am a guy who loves guys from balls to brows, -however, I would NEVER willingly participate in what I consider to be the most debasing sexual-act ever devised by people who think that "a hole is a hole". What man in his right mind plays in a sewer-pipe?
As a g0y myself, -I have NEVER had a sexual encounter with a "GAY" professed guy. However, there is a small group of men in my life who are closer than brothers & through the course of developing the deepest friendships -we know what it is like to love men as MEN without the least hint of gender-confusions such as AnalSex. And I've NEVER used a condom and NEVER had an STD!
The g0ys have the FACTS to back their FEELINGS. They are indeed, the most masculine group of men who love men; -- Because they are the men who have a MORAL POSITION as to why they don't ASSume the "GAY-position" regarding Arse-Sex & other things. Article like the one I'm replying to smack of the same tome tobacco companies use to get people to engage in that unnatural behavior, too.
I'm a g0y. No Apology.
thank you. thank you. thank you. finally people are beginning to understand. i'm very much what some people would call "butch". built my house myself. i also like to be on the "bottom". when i'm asked "top or bottom?", my reply is "yes". the good lord was generous to me when he handed out "stuff". it can b a curse. practically every guy i meet seems to think i've been waiting all my life to fuck him. well, sometimes that's true, but i'd much rather meet a man who wants to share. to me a man who is versatile is the one i go for first.
who wants 2 have a butt sex with me???
I know plenty of guys who enjoy getting fucked and have absolutely no conflict over it. I know I don't have a statistically valid sample of the gay population, but are you certain that you do? If you're a psychotherapist, might your conclusions possibly suffer from a referral bias?
Great article and summed up a lot of my fears and misconceptions, as well as the validity of where some of those fears have come from.
Hope you do more articles like this.
Thank you
i go back before aids. to have another cum in your body is a feeling that makes me feel as a woman would feel. i enjoy anal sex, but i try to avoid those that wish to prove how much of a "man" they are. i prefer to give and take because it puts both parties on an equal plain. i enjoyed your article, and find it very interesting.
I'm a gay guy. I enjoyed the article but it was a little confusing too understand but I liked it. It made me feel more gay. I've never had sex or anything with a guy but I want to (lots and lots). I wish I could leave my family and marry a guy someday and have sex with him and everything. You know what I mean.
thanks, guys, for all your thoughtful comments.
Gary, I'm with you on the frottage front. Obviously, this was an article focusing on guys who feel both desire for and shame about bottoming. But frottage is definitely a pleasurable alternative to intercourse.
My theory as to why there's not more conversation about it: it's not one of the acts featured in porn movies. (Because, let's face it, it's not exactly photogenic -- you kinda have to be there, right?) And subconsciously, if we don't SEE it in the movies, we often forget that it's even a possibility.
I agree with all the posts that state the top should start out gentle. I was once topped by a military (hot) stud who rammed me so hard and fast that it hurt. I lost sensitivity and was unable to ejaculate. He was gorgeous, and guess I wanted it to bad, and fast.....
hi
I believe that just spoon cuddling can lead to the pheromones talking or leading to more, and I just love the feeling that comes from having another guy penetrate me. It never has led me to believe that my personal worth was compromised, especially when I was able to cum at the same time as my partner did. Then flip in an hour or so. And then kiss and cuddle the rest of the night.
What Mike said.
I'm a guy who doesn't happen to find butt sex erotic (giving or receiving). I prefer something else for lunch. (Nipples would be good.) There's nothing shameful or wrong about it, just like there's nothing wrong or shameful about sex with women. It's just that butt sex isn't erotic for me. Lots of things are, but vaginas and butts are among the things that don't happen to get me going.
The underlying and offensive message in your article is that there's something wrong with guys who don't embrace and enjoy butt sex (especially the bottoming part). Men who don't like butt love "have hang-ups," something is "compromised," but "fortunately, [these fears] can be addressed." They don't have to be "cut off from half [their] humanity."
While there's value for everyone to explore their psychology and find new pleasures, we're all individuals, and if my erotic turn-ons and yours are different, it doesn't mean one of us is suppressing some hidden shame and guilt.
Gay men have enough guilt and shame to deal with just for the fact we want to love other men. Don't read more shame into the fact that some of us don't want to express that love in some specific sexual way you personally value.
What an excellent article.more questions were answered here,than any place I have ever read.I am a long time bottom at 64 & anal sex is always my ultimate goal.My orgasms are always perfectly timed to my partners.Two things especially are required by me,1.is cleanliness,2 is gentleness.Like Allen,I wish there were more of us around,the young are terrific,but just a little to much in a hurry
Again,keep up the great work
I am 49, my partner of 10 years is 29. We both love to be versatile but lately I have had a few embarrsing moments with cleanliness. I doosh and dont have sex for an hour or so after but some times we have accidents. is there anything i can do to prevent this
Why does it automatically have to be labeled "shame" if you don't like bottoming? Maybe some people just don't like bottoming. I don't like to eat hamburgers, it doesn't mean I have a deep-rooted hamburger shame, it just means I'd rather have something else for lunch.
I understand that the author is a sex therapist and it benefits his career and visibility if he is able spin every like, dislike, want, need, or behavior as some sort of deeply ingrained pathology, but sometimes people simply like or dislike something and that's all there is to it.
I'm 47 and came out 6 years ago. I was exclusively a top for much of it; in retrospect most likely because attitude wise I come across as one and therefore attract "bottoms." Reality is my last BF was so sexually happy I decided that I really needed to understand what it was all about, so I went there and a light bulb went off for me... chemistry and flow not roles.
Bottoming has made me better as a top. I would never again consider being a one position man, a box I will not live in. And honestly there is nothing like letting yourself go while being intimate regardless of position!
Good article.
The timing of this article was great for me. Most of my experience with my partners has been as a top, even though most guys I meet assume I'm a bottom because I am tall and thinnish. I've always said,"I just look like a bottom."
Now I find myself wanting a more versatile relationship. Bottoming has usually been very hard for me even though I crave it sexually. I have that shame about giving up control. I always have said you have to get past my mind if you wanna get to my ass. Even douching was uncomfortable for me mentally. I find its like the thing we all don't talk about.
I will say though with a lover that takes his time with foreplay, bottoming has been wonderful. For me I think its a matter of trust that I don't have the same barriers about if I'm topping.
My first bottom butt sex was with a 6' tranny at QT Hotel in Times Square ("if I can make it there..."). To quote 'Trish' (Liz Taylor) in Butterfield-8: "I LIKED IT!". Giving head was great too. Any tall top trannies cumming to ATLPride? Let me entertain you; I'm VERY versatile };)!
I hope we can continue to have these type of articles be available to the gay masses. It is a wonderful and important information to grow healthy in the gay community. I am a 45 years old and after reading your article that I still have a long way to go to embrace my femenity and enjoy bottom sex. Thank you for the education and I wish I could post this article in my facebook page. Or refer all my gay friends to read it.
I am 62 and a top. Well, I WAS a top... I am now almost impotent because of several reasons. 1) Erectile disfunction (so it takes expensive pills to be able to get hard enough to top) 2) condoms (coming from the age of no condoms makes it very difficult to use them and the ED doesn't help)
3)I am attracted to younger guys and all they really want is a quickie and I may not be "in the mood". I get performance anxiety that I won't be able to perform up to expectations especially struggling with the condom. I keep hoping for a negative boyfriend who is totally monogamous that we can just do it naturally when the time is right. I find it difficult to even get a real date these days as it seems most guys are either taken or just want to have all the sex they can get.
I am 49 years old. I have never had a problem with giving or recieving. In my opinion, I really believe it is a matter how each of us views it. I don't really get the whole "labeling" of things. Top/Bottom, what does it really matter. Making love is making love in whatever form it comes as long as it is between two conscenting adults. Making love feels fantastic...either way, it is when the two bodies are connecting to becoming one. If someone is too rough, you have the power to push him off. You are ultimately in charge of how it goes, unless you're being raped! If someone is being a jerk...you have the equal right to be. So what if he doesn't get off...he's hurting you!
Great article...thank you for printing it.
The silliness of referring to the bottom position as feminine is perpetuating a stereotype. Julianne Moore tops her "son" in that biopic that is hardly feminine. Though, yes, that is something quite different. A man seeking to pleasure himself by allowing a man to penetrate him could be mastering the art of seduction and having that man's body in his can be a total dominant action. Some women do it all the time, and some aren't so submissive regardless of whether they approach from the top, bottom or the side. Agree though that receiving into your body has its concerns for health and pain: a universal concern that doesn't question masculinity or what is like to be a woman. A guy once said, "You would do it if you were REALLY attracted to me." Somehow, I think that might be right for some. Sex for sex sake really isn't easy when the lust factor doesn't include serious attraction. Then it is bottom's up, for sure.
I am a bottom and I love it. I have never had any hangups about it. My partner is a wonderful top who can bring me to orgasm just by having anal sex with me without ever touching my penis.
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