Dear Dick: Playing Dress Up

Dear Dick,

Ever since I was young I’ve been fascinated by the look, scent, and feel of leather. Then when I first went online and saw pictures of guys in latex and uniforms that got me going, too. I just thought it all looked so sexy. I eventually bought a harness and some latex briefs and loved dressing up. I then rented some movies and those were good, too, though one time I got an “extreme” DVD and I had to turn it off—it kind of freaked me out.

So I met a guy online, then met him in public for coffee, and he asked what I was into. I told him I didn’t really know. He wanted to know my fantasies and I couldn’t really say. I just said I liked dressing up and wanted to do more of that. He had a whole collection of things—chaps, rubber singlets, jocks, etc.—and offered to suit me up. I agreed, went to his place, and he outfitted me. That got me turned on and we started playing around.

Then at one point he spanked my butt and I told him to stop. I didn’t like it. He respected me, but then he sort of held my wrists down and I freaked out. I had to get out of there, so I gave him back his clothes and took off.

I felt like such a loser. The guy didn’t do anything too aggressive with me. If anything, he was super cool about respecting my boundaries, but I assumed I would be more into it than I was. I mean, the clothes totally turn me on so why not the sex? Can you be into one and not the other?

Dear Gear Queer,

You can absolutely be into the clothing and not into the sex acts that go along with it (or the sex acts that some people assume will go along with the garb). Indeed, in The Leatherman’s Handbook, author Larry Townsend points out that lots of guys buy fetish gear—clothing, toys, accessories— and never use them with another person because they’re only into the fantasy those objects create. You see, the great risk one takes by introducing his fantasy to another person is being let down; that guy can’t get into your head and know exactly how to behave, so if your expectations are too high or too specific your imagined fantasy can never be fulfilled.

This, however, doesn’t mean you should keep your fantasies to yourself, because the reverse side to the above argument is that you may meet someone who excites you so much that he enhances your own fantasies in unexpected and wonderful ways. And you don’t want to miss that opportunity. The key here is knowing what you want and being open to whatever happens.

Start by being up font with guys, either in person or in your online profile. Say you’re into gear but not B/D-S/M. Be specific about what you want. A lot of times we don’t think about our kinks too closely because we have this sort of dirty shame attached to them. Screw that! Think about what turns you on and why, then articulate it when meeting potential hookups. You’ll be surprised by how many men have the same fetishes you do, and who are desperately looking for a play partner who is into just dressing up. You may even meet someone who can help you explore other sexy landscapes you never felt comfortable exploring before. Or not. That’s the beauty of human sexuality—you never quite know what lies around the next corner.

As long as you’re honest with others as to what you want, what you’re willing to do, and where your limits lie, while at the same time being open to other people’s fantasies and curiosities, you’ll be in good shape for whatever adventure awaits.

He ain’t heavy, and he’s no doctor, but Dear Dick has worked on a lot of his own fantasies over the years. Fortunately, he's not afraid to talk about them if it helps you out, so if you need some help, e-mail him.

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