Daddy / Boy: Love, Power and Masculinity
By: Gay.com
8.20.2010
Words by Don Shewey
Of all the role-playing scenarios that excite the gay male imagination (master/slave, coach/athlete, cop/civilian, doctor/patient), none is more potent than daddy/boy. The energy that gets activated between two men in this scene is so deep, profound, and erotic that we can only call it mythological. The interplay of strong, protective daddy with adoring, obedient boy uniquely combines love, power, and masculinity in a way that Carl Jung, visiting his local leather bar, would call archetypal, meaning that it goes with the territory of being human. It’s not that everybody is turned on by daddy/boy fantasies, but we can all locate ourselves along the spectrum of being, having, or wanting a good Daddy.
What does it mean to engage in daddy/boy fantasies? And how does that dynamic play itself out in gay male relationships? As a psychotherapist who mainly works with single gay men and couples, I can make a few observations.
For one thing, it’s a mistake to assume that all daddy/boy relationships are alike. For some, daddy/boy is confined to sexual situations, and those can range from playful verbal banter to heavy-duty power-exchange and everything in between. For others, the daddy/boy energy carries over into other emotional and social arenas. While some gay men have memories or fantasies (happy or unhappy) about sex with their biological fathers, most daddy/boy erotic play has nothing whatsoever to do with real-life incestuous desires.
It’s not unusual for men to have mixed feelings about their daddy/boy fantasies. Neil, a magazine editor in his mid-thirties, is drawn to sturdy, butch men who radiate competence, confidence, and self-assurance, qualities he would like more of himself. [EDITOR'S NOTE: Names and identifying details have been altered throughout this article to preserve confidentiality.] His rational mind is reluctant to name the object of his desire as Daddy, because the thought of sex with his own father is repulsive. And he wants to be seen as an equal partner in relationships, not some kind of “kept boy.” Nevertheless, he can’t deny that his strongest sexual arousal kicks in when he receives praise for being a “good boy” while pleasuring a partner he’s dared to call “Daddy.”
“Daddy” and “boy” name states of mind and don’t necessarily signify age difference. Likewise, not all intergenerational relationships operate on a daddy/boy basis. Still, there is a big connection between the two. In his 1975 study The Homosexual Matrix, psychologist Clarence Tripp offered an astute analysis of relationships, asserting that the emotional side requires rapport (similarity) and the sexual requires contrast (difference). Men and women are sufficiently different to give heterosexual relationships an automatic charge; gay relationships often thrive when sharp variations in age, race, background, or social level create what Tripp calls “the frictions that whip up erotic intensity.”
Jake and Joe are a classic example. Jake was a tall, lithe, 23-year-old dancer when he met Joe, a closeted 40-year-old businessman. For the first several years they were together, the contrast gave their connection a red-hot intensity. Joe was Jake’s erotic ideal: a big, hairy, ethnic Italian “straight” guy who liked to sit back and get taken care of. And the more codified their talk and touch was, the better. Boy got a lot out of pleasing Daddy, and Daddy got to bestow a blessing by affirming Boy’s sexuality.
Perhaps inevitably, things shifted as Boy Jake got older, more successful professionally, and beefier physically, while Daddy Joe stayed the same. Boy Jake began to chafe at the narrow strictures of their sexplay and longed for more erotic reciprocation than Daddy Joe was equipped to provide. Now they face the challenge of discovering a new sexual dynamic that satisfies them both. Interestingly, it’s not just Daddy Joe who struggles to allow more flexibility into the daddy/boy dynamic. Boy Jake is so used to Daddy Joe being Old Reliable that it’s hard for him to believe it when Daddy Joe asserts his interest in trying something new.
Getting stuck in rigid role-playing is one liability of daddy/boy relationships. It’s understandable, if erroneous, to assume that in every team of lovers, Daddy is the designated Top and the boy is the Bottom. In power dynamics, yes. In terms of sexual position, not necessarily. As Gordon – a 42-year-old landscape architect who has been an active leather top for twenty years – once memorably put it, “Sometimes Daddy likes to get his kitty punched.”
Frank is an experienced player in the BDSM world of power-exchange, and Ernesto, his boyfriend of five years, is an enthusiastic newcomer. Their age difference – Frank is 62, Ernesto 42 – heightens their daddy/boy dynamic. Frank loves to tie up and dominate his boy; Ernesto loves to earn his daddy’s love by submitting. This works well when they make use of what they know about creating ritual space, where clearly defined intentions and roles amplify both sexual excitement and emotional connection. But when you’re living together as a couple, the lines can get blurry. Problems emerge when Frank’s pleasure in controlling Ernesto strays outside of sexual settings – demanding that he go to a certain movie or eat a specific food. Then Ernesto feels manipulated and rebellious. Obversely, sometimes Frank feels vulnerable and wants some nurturing that his boy hasn’t developed the capacity to offer, and Ernesto feels like a failure.
That’s not necessarily a bad thing. The shadow side of the boy’s reverence for the masculine ideal can manifest as a tendency to locate that masculine essence as exclusively outside of oneself and letting sexual competence (pleasing Daddy) substitute for healthy development in new directions, professionally or emotionally.
As Pat Califia points out in the introduction to the erotic anthology Doing It for Daddy, Daddy/Boy relationships are a form of mentoring. “Too many young men still have to struggle alone with the question What does it mean to love or want another man? What kind of person does that make me? What will it do to the rest of my life?” And the rewards of mentoring go both ways. The advantage for the designated boy centers on the opportunity to receive the particular masculine love that a tender and nurturing Daddy can offer. For the daddy figure, receiving attention from younger men by modeling the virtues of stability, caring, and perseverance gives new value to the experience of aging.
This trade-off echoes the basic concept of imago therapy, a widespread form of couples counseling created by Harville Hendrix (author of the classic volume Getting the Love You Want), which is that we instinctly choose our partners for a reason. Usually, it has to do with making up for something we didn’t get from our parents.
But here’s the deal: the healing comes not just in, say, getting from your partner what you didn’t get from your biological father but also in developing inside yourself whatever qualities you need to achieve your full potential as a human being. And also — as daddy/boy enthusiasts know — not just because it’s good for you, but because it’s hot, too.
Don Shewey is a writer and pleasure activist in New York City. [see http://donshewey.com] A therapist in private practice, he specializes in sex and intimacy coaching. [see http://bodyandsoulwork.com]
Read Don's other article:
Getting to the Bottom of It - Why gay men have hang-ups about butt love
Images: Unzipped Premium
Comments
I agree with Matthew, why do gay men think that thier lives have to revolve around sex? I like to have a loving relationship with someone where the sex is great when it happens since we don't do it everyday! Maybe that is why I see so many failed gay relationships. And someone please tell me why gay men feel the need to stray?(I know that straight men do too.) I would like to a few articles on these questions.
fell in love with what you said....my email and YM account is your_29@yahoo.com
add me up...wanna know you more....
Ego. Lack of maturity and respect for their partner. There are always signs. It's for you to know what they are and decide what you will do and "willing" to accept.Simple answer, you have to choose a "man" who will not stray. There are a few!
Don't be foolish. Love and romance are human creations that can be associated with weakness and attachment. Sex is a natural animal need.
So are you an animal or human? Trying to have it both ways (no pun intended) when it's convenient demonstrates a lack of maturity and "spiritual will." Animals don't have "free will" and the ability to choose. YOU DO! Foolish he is not, quite the contrary.
Humans are animals, just a different species of animal. We are driven by the same biological urges as they are (eat, sleep, drink, sex, etc.). The biggest difference is our self-awareness.
indeed, but there is still a big difference when you do sex with love and when you have sex with the fact that you just wanna fucked. It's more delicious whe done with love. anyways, anyone interested with serious relationship just add me up in YM and my account is your_29@yahoo.com you can email me also in this account...so how 'bout you wanna try me?
I love this artical that ia on i was woundering if there are any more like this one .
Why do gay men think their lives have to revolve around sex?
Interesting article that creates some reflection for me, Don. Thanks. There is one glitch here that bothers me about gay articles, magazines, stereotypes as to what a gay man wants and desires for himself as well as his partner(s). The images here! Not all gay men adore, want, or have an interest in the six pack ab man, either as a Daddy or Boy/Son. These images simply perpetuate the stereotypical images that gay men are "supposed" to be! Not so.
Great article! As an older man who grew up with daddy issues and has always wanted to be a daddy, it's wonderful. Thanks, Don!
As a 61 gwm that has recently been having sex with a 27 year old...this article was perfect timing. Jon
For eight years I have had a relationship like the one described by you and today we're still good friends, so cool,
i am a asian bt guy, 23 yo.i like masculine daddy with nice body shape too. hope that i can find a good one someday........nice!
am an filipino 47 y/o looking for daddy like in article, italian, hairy, nice body, likes oral very much, romantic.
I really like your body,so good
Very nice and hot good perhaps + love.
H.S.
I am older guy and after I broke up with my 22 years younger bf I discovered Asian guys. A whole different thing. Most of them have a wonderful feeling for older guys,it works somehow, a respect, a pleasing, something I really can't explain. I was never into Asian guys but I certainly am now.
Is that true? I am asian myself and somehow what you say really fits who I am. Are all Asian guys like that?
Nice post William, i'm an older (57 year old) guy. I have always been attracted to the older/younger scene. The daddy/boy relationship always interested me, but i never quite at home because of the perception that the older ( daddy) was suppose to be a Top. With me that is not the case as i am a bottom who enjoys pleasing his son (boy). The power exchange is just as real and exciting. would like to talk more about this with you if you would like my email is mrhavil@gmail.com
no, we're not all like that. i'm asian, too.
i Like your pictures of your guys
hey! ardency ,
me too love dady they look so masculine and expert any dady like asian boy out there give me msg?????
Hi, older daddy type, thought id write you to say hi
A creative, thought provoking and useful analysis. Thank you so much.
Amazing. Someone actually expressing something cogent and lucid about Daddy/Boy relationships. Thank you.
I love the article! I am a 40 year old who adores the younger man. This article is right on target in every respect. Thanks!
As a licensed psychologist, I concur with Don's viewpoint that the daddy/boy relationship is the most potent of all gay role playing scenerios, especially if the relationship is balanced, mature, and freeing. When the relationship is balanced both partners have a greater opportunity to become fulfilled psychologically, socially and spiritually, since there is little or no competition for attention and there is little or no need for one to demand control of the other. It is a give/take relationship that offers a healthy, wholesome balance. This moves the couple to greater maturity on many levels where they become increasingly sensitive to each others needs, desires and wants. The end point of this maturation process is an interdependence that paradoxically allows for increasingly greater independence, confidence, and self-assurance while at the same time being able to share oneself by being and becoming a caring, loving, responsive person. All this then moves the couple in the direction of becoming increasingly aware of their own spirituality where they begin to appreciate more holistically and less judgmentally the world around them. They become less self-centered and more other-centered; less ethno-centric and more appreciative of the bio/social/cultural diversity that surrounds them; less rigid ethically and morally and more open to a cosmic appreciation of the goodness, truth and beauty that is characteristic of the world around them--but only if they accept the challenge of seeking it out. And this implies embracing all of life's experiences--the pain, suffering and disappointments along with the pleasures, joy and ectastic experiences that come from living a full, experiential, adventursome life for especially those of us who choose to become involved in a daddy/boy relationship.
i looking 4 this special person i love daddy,im nice person and i looking for same and serious people if you are this person contac to me soon please lets talk
I've been having sex with my actual dad for several years now and it just gets better and better. There's alot to be said for that kind of love.
Interesting analysis. The idea of gay relationships is relatively new. Today being gay is more widely accepted versus sixty years ago when most encounters were in total secrecy. There is no long history of gay relationships that we can look to as a model for building our own successful relationships today. This sets us apart from our heterosexual counterparts. Most people model relationships after their parents' and gay men are no different. The with problem this is that the dynamics between two men are not the same as a man and woman. Marriage and fatherhood force men to grow up, but what happens when those two things are not factors? We are left with Peter Pans. There is no pressure in the gay community to settle down (The only pressure that exist is to remain youthful and desirable).
With the rise in "open" relationships and couples looking for "thirds". Maybe, like it was mentioned in the article, the only way two men can remain together is to evolve sexually together. I'd really like to see more studies and analysis on gay relationships. Perhaps with more understanding we can figure out how to build lasting relationships or maybe if all we Gays are here to do is to fuck around til we die. Either way I'd like to know
I enjoyed reading this article. I am 19, still new to the gay lifestyle. My first relationship was with a guy who is in his forties. The whole situation was alright but I think he was trying to hard to maintain his privacy. This added problems to our "companionship". After two years I realized, I'm attracted to all gay types but the mature guy with the salt and pepper hair and charming smile. Still fires up the hormones. Haha I really think personality and communication help form a bond. Since this was the first love, I still admit that to myself, that a " daddy/son " fantasy is enternally an internal craving. Nothing compares to a man who has those experiences under his belt. However; I have yet to attempt to dominate a silver fox. Blindfold and handcuff him to a chair and say " daddy has been bad" hahaha something inside me wants to emasculate a daddy figure behind closed doors. This article gives new ideas towards the fantasy.
I enjoyed reading this article. I am 19, still new to the gay lifestyle. My first relationship was with a guy who is in his forties. The whole situation was alright but I think he was trying to hard to maintain his privacy. This added problems to our "companionship". After two years I realized, I'm attracted to all gay types but the mature guy with the salt and pepper hair and charming smile. Still fires up the hormones. Haha I really think personality and communication help form a bond. Since this was the first love, I still admit that to myself, that a " daddy/son " fantasy is enternally an internal craving. Nothing compares to a man who has those experiences under his belt. However; I have yet to attempt to dominate a silver fox. Blindfold and handcuff him to a chair and say " daddy has been bad" hahaha something inside me wants to emasculate a daddy figure behind closed doors. This article gives new ideas towards the fantasy.
This article is so well written. I've wondered a lot in my 24 years what happens after the match is made - Will the younger partner grow tired or bored with the older - will the bottom eventually become a top, will they tire of each other?
It's hot to think of a 20 year old with a 40 year old - but a 40 year old with a 60 year old?
Brilliant article.
one question: I've always been attracted to older top daddy types, and still am at 50, is that abnormal doctor... I am given the impression I should pursue younger men, but to me, still, there's nothing hotter than a fit salt and pepper suit and tie macho man... unfortunately, most older men look for younger men, so should I forget about daddies and go mainstream?
Everyone has a right to live the life/fantasy they please as long as they are not hurting another person along the way. Yet, if the guy is very young, I question his ability to understand the full impact of his setting up a life with and having a devotion to an older guy. I also question the older guy's ethics in the sense that he might be depriving the young guy of a chance to form relationships with his own age group which is a necessary step in the life of a young adult who is trying to figure out who is he and what he wants out of life. If there are struggles in the young guy's life and he is being held out this "carrot" of a relationship with a much older guy, a guy with money and a secure roof over his head, that might be a temptation that is hard to refuse. The loss for the young guy may be that he looses out on those relationships and challenges in life that most guys have to go through. He may make a choice that he thinks that he wants, but later comes to realize he regrets. If you think about straight men dating 19 year old girls and how that is frowned upon in society, you have to wonder if similar reasoning applies--are these relationships seen as "wrong" simply because of the age difference or for the fact that we want to allow young people to experience their lives fully? If a young guy brings home a 50 year old man to meet his parents would they react the same as a 19 year old girl bringing home a 50 year old guy home to meet Dad?
I don't understand the Dad / Son Relationships at all I'm 31 an was dating a 35 yr old everything was going great or so I thought it wasnt anything more than a regular relationship but I found out after 6 months he was cheating on me with a 53 yr old guy that lived in another state an he would run there to see him on the long weekends , I often asked the question of how it would work out in the future when they got older an the 53 yr old couldnt do what the 35 yr old wanted to would they stay together an the younger one would push the older around in his wheel chair ? I dont know maybe I'm to old fashion an believe in not cheating an staying together for a life time of love which seems to be hard to find in a Gay relationship , Maybe some one can let me in on the whole Dad/Son relationship an how they play out as the yrs pass on an the 2 get older , I mean in the case I was involved with there was 18 yrs difference in age , I hope when I'm 60 my partner will still be there with me by my side an not be 78 or dead , I want some one for a life time that we can grow old together an love an when one of us dies the other really doesnt have a reason for living any more because there love , there life , there partner is gone
Call me old fashion,but I love being taken care of by an older,masculine,good looking guy,I am a girl at heart !
First an article on nude celebrities, now something on daddy-boy relationships..is gay.com just another porn site..soft porn, but porn no less. If your going to send me this stuff in my email please make it worth my time reading. The whole nude celebrity thing..come on really? I'm a grown man not a sex crazy sixteen year old. Come out with a little more variety. I would like to think that gay men do other things as well ..then just have sex.
Coming from a 20 yr old guy who prefers older men let me just say this. I know that at least a quarter of the "older guys" I know/have met are borderline (if not actually) pedophiles. They desire youth, virginity, innocence and are basically predators being restricted by the law. When you look like you are 15 like i do but get told "no" because you weigh too much or are too hairy. (i have very little body hair and am 6' and 155 lbs) you know they want a REAL boy. Other than that I've found that it is RARE that you can have a functioning relationship between an older and younger person of any sex. Two different wave-lengths in life. When I see someone trying to shoot for someone significantly older/younger I find it either to be selfish or immature. Selfish in that they dont really care how they are affecting/limiting the others life and immature because it can only be about sex. Gays need to grow the f up. You wonder why you are 40+ and alone??? Try shooting for someone near your own age and stop being a whore. Same goes for us younger guys. We wont be young forever...
Psychobabble, from start to finish.
Mr Shewy writes with a clarity and insight that is refreshing, commanding and profound. I encourage great access to his writing and thought for the wider audience of this website.
At 53 I met a 19 year old in a sauna . 15 years later we are still together and closer than ever. I am a GWM my partner is Asian. Enough said.
I am an older man and usually bottom and I find it quite exciting when younger top men want to engage in this type of fantasy or role playing with me. There is something erotic about the illusion of role reversal.
Good that this topic is openly talked about. There are some interesting thoughts in this article. None of which I think anybody should live their life or intimacy by.
It's all rather feudal and not really promoting a sense of being contemporaries or soulmates or fellow intelligent men with vision. Setting up 'roles' in life or intimacy can only be a temporary and (understood) artifical thing, or we have already delivered ourselves into the hands of (seemingly voluntary) setback.
If we don;t understand that we are much larger than this sort of residual social appearances, we set ourselves up for smalling (is that a word?) lifes.
Not a good idea. Something that (may have) happened to happen, got taken too serious, as if it were life itself.
But an interesting read never the less.
I don't even understand why I should care what anyone else thinks of who I like or don't like. I'm attracted to guys younger than me, always have been. I'm 41, and happy being 41. That guys that are interested are happy being with a 41 year old and not at all interested in someone 25-30 (which is about the age range I favor these days).
Everyone is so worried about what will happen in 20 years. My life now is nothing like I expected 20 years ago. It will be different 20 years from now. So many desperate people seeking that one exact person who can complete their every lack, fulfill their every dream. Find a little balance. It should be ok to be happy for a day or a month or a year, without freaking out over what will happen in 20 years.
At 41 I am in slightly better shape than I was in at 31, and expect to be in nearly as good a shape as at 25 before I reach 42. Or a train may hit me and kill me tomorrow.
Nothing lasts forever, enjoy what you enjoy with others who enjoy it too, and stop wasting time being worried about what labels other people want to put on you.
No matter what you do in this world, someone will always judge you for it.
F%#^ 'em.
Thats what it boils down to. when your partner is your age...how old will you be? How many older/younger relationships have you honestly seen that did not mainly involve sex or money? (and i dont just mean prostitution) And to this day I have ALWAYS found that older guys want w/e is younger and hotter and will drop their "boy" without thinking twice no matter how long theyve been together. Older guys looking for younger guys are just men who refuse to act their age or grow up and stop whoring around. or are just borderline pedo's.
Ive yelled at gay.com for this so many times. If you look at 80% of "gay" ads you will see a naked/partially naked man. I find that wrong and degrading.
Very inspiring comment, I am 50 and my boyfriend of 1 year is 20, we're truly in love and things are looking great for our future. Just reading your simple statement helps me know that it's worked before, and will work for us.
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