Let's Get Physical... with Mary Hart!

By: Winston Gieseke

There are two things you should know about Mary Hart: She once had her legs insured for a million dollars apiece and—according to the New England Journal of Medicine—the sound of her voice can cause seizures in epileptics.

Which means if you’re prone to seizures, you should probably avoid doing Shape Up with Mary Hart. Just to be on the safe side.

As for the rest of you, put on your unmistakably ’80s fashions and get ready to shape up!

Released in 1989 and certified platinum (which means it sold a bunch of copies, though I have no clue how many exactly), Shape Up is 45 minutes of sheer perkiness. In her super engaging "Our-Top-Story-Tonight" manner of speaking, Mary walks (or rather, bounces) you through her three-part workout that consists of aerobics, floor exercises, and a final stretch.

The steps seem easy to follow and fun. And yes, perky. Even Mary’s friends seem excited. There’s super gay-seeming guy whose purple bicycle shorts bulge is sizeable enough to make you overlook his Dorothy Hamill-ish haircut, two blonde babes with Chrissy Snow ponytails, and a super enthusiastic African American woman who, like Mary, just can’t smile enough for the camera.

Their excitement is so palpable it’s almost unnerving. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself.

There are so many things to admire in this video, but my favorite would have to be the theme song. “Shape UP! / Shape UP! / It’s fun and easy / The best you can be.” It, too, radiates perkiness.

You gotta love Mary not only for branching out, but for being so damn cheerful about it. Her attitude is really infectious. How this amazing ball of joy with the well toned million dollar gams could have caused seizures is beyond me.