Let’s (Barely) Get Physical…with Sandy Duncan!

By: Frank Mills

“Ooh...ahh! Ooh...ahh!” That’s the sound Sandy Duncan and Kevin Carlisle want you to make when you’re doing their 5 Minute Workout, a complete “head to toe workout that reaches all of your muscles in five minutes.”

Whoever thought a mere five-minute workout could keep you fit?

No one.

Let's keep it simple (because this workout sure is): The good thing about this program is that you can do it anywhere. The weird thing about this program is that you don’t really need the video in order to do it. I mean, I can take a deep breath—or as Sandy says, give my brain “a great snack of oxygen”—without being motivated by a celebrity in spandex (or in this case a pink I Can Do It in Five Minutes sweatshirt).

The absurd thing about this program is the complete lack of exercise you’re getting during your five minutes. Because literally anyone can do these routines (and I use the term very generously). I reckon even someone bed-ridden could manage at least three minutes’ worth.

Don't get me wrong: I’m not bashing the concept. I’m all for multitasking, which is what Sandy and Kevin want you to do. But there's no way in hell that I’m raising my arms and doing “chest shifts” while waiting in line for a bank teller. I wouldn’t even do that while waiting for the ATM. If anyone I knew happened to walk by, they would think I’d lost my mind.

Nor will I walk around the bench a couple of times while waiting for a bus. I don’t care if it gets your circulation going. It’s also a great way to lose your seat on the bench. So it’s not gonna happen.

Here are the only advantages of the 5 Minute Workout (in my jaded opinion):

  1. There’s a really hot shirtless guy with a mop of feathered blond hair at :47.
  2. The really hot shirtless guy from :47 is dressed as a gay fireman at 5:37.
  3. The really hot shirtless guy appears yet again (this time with a shirt) at 8:47 in the “supermarket” asking for Wheat Thins. (For those of you who weren’t born until the 1990s, this is clearly an inside joke for Sandy and those of us who watched TV in the ’80s.)

Worst of all, at the end of the video, Sandy has the gall to remind you that these exercises must be done “carefully, correctly, and completely.” Like you’re such a moron that you’re going to screw up the “brisk walk up and down the aisles” that Kevin recommends while grocery shopping. Or the buttocks clench. (By the way, where's the hot shirtless guy during that exercise?)

Honestly, this whole thing seems totally unrehearsed and made up on the spot. I appreciate that you can do it anywhere, anytime. But wouldn't we be doing these minimal exercises anyway, just by existing?

Sandy and Kevin really lose me when they say you can do it as a warm-up for all other exercise programs. I could be missing something here, but if you’re having to add an additional workout on top of your five minutes that is supposed to reach all of your muscles in five minutes, wouldn’t that make this the 5 Minute Warm-Up?

“Ooh...ahh! Ooh...ahh!”