Dear Dick: Only the Lonely
I am a closeted 21-year-old. I’m in love with my best friend who is also gay and not out.
I always knew that my friend was gay and this was confirmed through a personal ad. I opened up to him and encouraged him to feel comfortable talking about being gay with me. In the year since I came out to him we have talked only a couple times about it; it is very hard for us since we've never opened up to anyone about being gay.
I constantly think about him and I could really see us living our lives together. At first I just thought it was an infatuation, that he was the only option since he was the only one I truly trusted and felt knew me. But now over a year later, still obsessing about him, I know that it is far more than an infatuation.
He hooks up with random people and doesn't want any sort of relationship right now. I don't want an open relationship but I really want a secret relationship with him. All the while I don't want to mess up our friendship. I'm pretty sure he has some sort of feelings for me as we talk daily, yet we live hours away from each other. I even once asked him if he'd want to mess around after a few beers and he denied me.
I want him to know I'm in love with him because I really think we can be together. What should I do?
You seem like a very caring guy, but this situation sounds so unhealthy on so many levels. Let’s look at the facts and maybe you’ll be able to see things from a different perspective.
•You say your friend is in the closet, but he’s hooking up nonstop.
•You’ve offered to mess around with him but he’s turned you down.
•You live hours away from each other.
•You talk daily but he won’t talk about being gay—something that sounds like it should be of utmost important to both of you.
•He’s told you he doesn’t want any sort of relationship right now.
So why are you doing obsessing over this guy?
Coming out can be a hard thing and when you find someone you relate to it’s understandable that you would want to hold on tightly to that comfort. But the reality here is that this guy doesn’t feel the same way you do. Yes, he probably does like you or enjoy your conversations on some level, otherwise he wouldn’t spend hours talking with you on the phone. Perhaps he sees this as a great friendship; perhaps he’s being polite and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings; perhaps he enjoys having someone be obsessed with him and wants to hold onto that emotional satisfaction (this may or may not be something he’s even aware of) but the bottom line is that it’s not healthy for you.
You want a “secret relationship” with this guy. Unless you’re Superman dating Lois Lane, that’s not a healthy way to view a romantic partnership. You’re willing to “mess around after a few beers.” This, too, isn’t right. One should never be in a relationship with someone where alcohol is the key motivator for intimacy. And if you think that’s the way to transform this friendship into a romance that will be nurturing, sustaining, and satisfying then you’re sadly mistaken.
So here’s the deal: You may think you two will become a good couple but he’s not on the same page, which means you need to move on. You’re obviously a caring soul and someone who can potentially make a great husband, but you can’t do that in secret. You need to meet guys, go on normal dates, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, experience the excitement and heartache that comes with any budding relationship—and, yes, you need to come out if you’re going to have a healthy dating life with another man. Dear Dick has seen too many men waste countless years, enter abusive or unhealthy partnerships, and live miserable lives because they were in the closet.
Don’t let that happen to you. You’re young and have a right to enjoy your life, but that will never happen if all you do is ignore your own spiritual/sexual growth and focus on someone who is unattainable. Move on and start living your life today.
He ain’t heavy, and he’s no doctor, but he’s got great advice to dish out. If you need some help, e-mail him.
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Photos: Unzipped.net. You know what that means people? It means the letter write is NOT the guy in this picture.