Dear Dick: Boys and Their Toys

By: Rick Andreoli

Dear Dick,

Last Christmas was the first year I’d spent the holiday with my boyfriend’s family. It was all going well but my boyfriend mixed up the gifts we were supposed to bring. I should have realized what was happening, but with all the noise and kids I wasn’t paying attention, and right when I looked over he ripped the paper off a sex toy I’d given him as a surprise gift.

Fortunately he recognized what it was and covered it up, but his mom, sister, and grandmother either saw the photo of the big naked black guy on the front or they saw the toy itself—we never asked—and it brought the day to a halt. We eventually finished Christmas, but it was tense, and his mom chewed him out just before we left. She didn’t even look at me.

Amidst all that, he and I remained together and his mom is speaking to him again. I haven’t seen his family since then, but now it’s time to go back for this year. He wants me to go, but I’m totally ashamed and embarrassed and don’t think I can face them. And if I do go, what do I say? I can’t just act like nothing happened, can I?

Man with a Toy Box

Chris_rockway_24_20091124_1347878788 Dear Box,

If your man wants you to go, you go. Even though you gave the gift, he’s probably more uncomfortable than you because he mixed up the presents, and this gift implies he enjoys using a big black dong now and then. That’s not something most men want to share with mom, sis, and gran. Your biggest gift to him this Christmas is to be his moral support, a buffer, the partner who helps show his family that you guys are a normal couple who happen to have active sex lives.

As for what to say to his mom, here are some suggestions.

1. “Just wait ‘til you see what I got him this year!”
2. “You have any Energizers laying around? Because this year’s toy does take batteries!”
3. “Sorry about last year, but you know how it is: Once you go black...”

Don’t say anything. At least not at first. Dear Dick is normally all about communication, but in this case it’s better to lay low and see how things are going. Don’t head in with an agenda to clear the air. Some families do best with ignoring uncomfortable situations and if that’s the case then you behave like a civilized houseguest and follow their lead.

If you do end up needing to say something, just keep it simple: “I’m sorry about last year. We disrespected your home, and I apologize.” Don’t get into the details, don’t try to explain any of it away. None of that matters at this stage. Sometimes the simplest route is to just be humble, say you’re sorry, and hope that they forgive you.

But if it’s any consolation, recognize that you were invited. Christmas invitations aren’t things a family thoughtlessly throws out, so they at least care about you or your boyfriend enough to try and move on. With that in hand, you’ve got a good foundation for healing any of the embarrassment from last year’s insanity.

Dick_ProfilePic When Dear Dick gets letters about big black dongs and Christmas, he often wonders if they're real or made up. However, because he likes them, he'll answer them anyway.

This is one of many ways you can tell that Dear Dick isn't a doctor of any kind, so you shouldn't take his advoce as diagnosis for anything. You can, however, send Dear Dick an e-mail yourself.

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