Dear Richard: Chastity Travesty

Dear Richard,

Three years ago during a very hot moment of passion, I agreed to let two older men permanently chastise my 7-inch penis. After they put it on and screwed it in they both left me for other guys.

Now for the last 3 years I have not had one erection or seen one drop of semen. My penis does not even try to get erect anymore and it has shrunk 4 inches from lack of use. My question is, can I still have a normal love life without the use of my penis for sexual reasons?

Chaste Man

Dear Chaste...

Sorry, what?

Sometimes Dear Richard gets letters that don't make sense. This is one of them, and not just because it's hard to "chastise" a penis. ("Bad penis! Shame on you! You're a very, very bad penis!")

But this is the kind of story that generates misinformation and ignorance, both for the gay community in general and the sex community as a whole. It can also create panic about leather and fetish folk, so let's tackle some points for other readers who may be a bit freaked out by this letter.

1. NEVER let someone do something to your body that will permanently harm it. Got it? NEVER!

2. If what you're saying is you let some guys put a bondage-style chastity device around your junk, it can be removed. Go to a store that specializes in BDSM merchandise and ask for assistance. They're used to crazy questions so this shouldn't phase them, and they'll probably know someone who can help you.

3. If you really can't get an erection and don't see semen, then for God's sake stop writing D.R. and get professional help. Go to a doctor. And a shrink, because no matter how "passionate" things seem you should never be so consumed by a situation that you permanently harm your body.

4. Were you on crystal or some other drug when this happened? When D.R. hears about truly risky sex it often involves drugs of some kind. If so, you need help. And for those of you considering some kind of kinky sexy play, you should never go into it while high. People don't make good choices when they're flying, and if you're doing any kind of hard sex act that can prove really dangerous.

5. Now for all you guys who have been thinking about exploring leather, latex, bondage, submission, dominance, or any other kind of fetish DO NOT LET THIS LETTER WORRY YOU.

The real fetish community bases its hot, sexy fun in safe, sane, and consensual surroundings. There is a "no harm" policy among the players. You can role play as whatever characters turn you on, you can pretend to be in a kidnapping scene, you can get off on someone tying you up and spanking your bootie, you can even go into more intense sexual practices if you're comfortable with it but you need to be educated and aware of what's going on. There are chat rooms, message boards and organizations with people who are happy to give you the knowledge you need for safe, fun play.

If you are doing something like sounding, shocking—hell, even simple bondage or C&B toture— you need to know that the person you're playing with has education in this area. Do NOT do anything if you feel like this person isn't completely present, thoughtful, and ultimately has your erotic interests at heart.

You must trust your sex partner. Completely. And if you have even an inkling of doubt in your mind about what you're about to do, then don't do it. You should never engage in something that puts yourself at risk—mentally or physically. A good kink man will understand. Yes, he may be disappointed if you've both gone through a long preparation, but he will ultimately understand.

Every mature fetishist D.R. has met or played with has been, at his core, a good man who cares. Yes, these guys can be pervy and hot and all of those wonderfully naughty things, but they're compassionate humans first. Don't trust your body to anything less.

Dear Richard is neither a medical doctor nor a licensed psychiatrist. While he has had his fair share of kinky encounters, owns a harness, leather vest and maybe some toys, he is not a leather daddy, leather boy, or middle-aged social secretary. He does, however, love to answer your questions.

Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.

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