Cheyenne Jackson's New Video Has Him Scared Straight

By: Daniel Villarreal

In real life, actor Cheyenne Jackson is unequivocally gay (thank goodness). But in the new video for his song "Before You," he marries a woman. What??!!

No Cheyenne!!! WHY???!!!! GET AWAY FROM HER! YOU WERE MEANT FOR US!!!!!!1!!

Ohh. Errr... ahem. Uhh.... sorry.

Actually, it's a cute song and an even cuter video, so let's not blow a gasket over Mr. Jackson playing it straight for 3 adorable minutes.

Instead, let's psychologically interpret his video to see what we can learn about the his mental state.

First, Jackson denies his latent homosexuality by participating in the heteronormative cultural ritual of proposing to his girlfriend.

Notice that he retrieves the bouquet and ring from his picnic basket—"basket" being a slang term for "male bulge" and a symbol for man's primal urges which he keeps hidden away until he can no longer deny his true appetite.

The more secrets and desires a basket contains, Mr. Jackson, the heavier a burden it becomes.

Then the "happy couple" (a deluded wife unwittingly engaged to a well-known gaymosexual) drives far away from the public eyes threatening to expose them.

Because her eyes are blinded by heart-shaped shades, she sees him only through the distorted lenses of her infatuation. Sigh... we have all been there, lady.

They eventually approch a haunted house filled with relatives that Mr. Jackson has never met. Why has his fiancee never introduced him to these relatives? She has some secrets of her own, it seems.

The house represents the home that Jackson will presumably establish with his wife. The creepy couple within are but the pale, unattractive shadows that Jackson fears he and his wife will transform into over the year.

The premonition of his future freakishness compels Jackson to run into a graveyard, a symbol for the spiritual death he will succumb to if suffocated in the box of matrimonial domesticity.

In this graveyard lie the "skeletons" that he has buried, namely his past lover who rises from the grave and seizes Jackson by the legs, as he has no doubt been seized before.

Rather than succumb, he is saved by the mummy with the nice butt and calves.

The mummy—a slang term for "mommy"—is a symbol monstrous humanity that Jackson must heal to restore his own humanity.

Said mummy uses a photo album bound in human skin to convince Jackson that unconventional families can still love each other and appear normal to the untrained eye.

And so, Jackson leaves his graveyard of past lovers and flees back into the arms of his poor wife.

Then suddenly the black-and-white horrors of deceit and closeted fears turn into a full-colored lie that seems more real and pleasant than the stark, frightening truth.

Or it could just be a song about happiness and not running from love. Pick your interpretation, but choose wisely, lest you marry a woman and deny your true self!