Twinks Mourn Death of Snack Cake Namesake

By: Daniel Villarreal

Seems like only yesterday that openly gay Bravo TV executive Andy Cohen called the skinny boppers in One Direction a bunch of "twinks." And now, just a few days later, the company that makes Twinkies is going under because of ongoing labor disputes — coincidence? Probably.

But with the spongey, cream-filled snack cakes possibly going away forever, twinks everywhere are unsure of what to call themselves. Will the word used to describe skinny, boyish guys go the way of the Twinkie and soon die out as well?

Luckily, another junk food company could buy up the Twinkie brand and continue producing the iconic American snack. But we're not taking any chances. If Twinkies are going the way of the Dodo, we wanna have a backup word for twinks ready to go.

So henceforth "twinks" shall be known as "Fruit Roll Ups," as a nod to their sweet, slender nature.

And what if bears, otters, other gay slang namesakes suddenly disappear too? What will we call the beefy, hairy and other men in the gay community?

Not to worry. We've given them alternate snack item names as well.

Bears will now be called "Animal Crackers," otters will be called "Nutty Buddies," leather daddies will be called "beef jerky," feminine tops will be "Little Debbies," and older dudes will be "Otis Spunkmeyer."

And if all those things suddenly disappear from Earth too, we'll all have to ask ourselves whether ours is still a planet worth living on.

We'll see you all in snack cake hell, ya ding dongs.

Tags: NEWS