Election Improves As Everyone Begins Making Penis Jokes
This election season has focused mostly on the gaffes and embarrassing moments of each presidential contender. So we're glad that President Barack Obama, Second Lady Jill Biden and ex-Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin have all decided to elevate the political by making penis jokes.
We'll start with Mrs. Biden's joke. It wasn't actually a joke so much as an inadvertent line of innuendo said while introducing her husband, Vice President Joe Biden.
She said, "This election... is deeply personal... I've seen Joe up close... I've heard the urgency in his voice when he comes and talks about the people he's met." The audience—which was apparently made up entirely of middle school boys—hooted and hollered as Mrs. Biden tried to continue as if she wasn't talking about her husband's penis.
Let's take a look:
We're not sure who wrote Mrs. Biden's speech, but we're pretty sure they knew what they were doing. And hey, without that "accidental" penis joke, we wouldn't be discussing the speech at all, so good job, degenerate.
Next, we have President Obama's joke about First Lady Michelle Obama being able to "go all the way down." In actuality, he's talking about whether or not Michele goes all the way down while doing push-ups, as she once beat lesbian talk show host Ellen Degeneres in a push-up contest.
But naturally, everyone thought Barack was talking about Michele's ability to go "all the way down" on his, um, Washington Monument.
What we love is the level of concern exhibited by the journalist in the above clip. It's as if the women's liberation movement will be set back 30 years if the president makes blowjob jokes in public—serious muckraking journalism, all the way.
And talking about the president's penis, there's one woman who can't stop thinking about how large it is—moose-slayer and former Ms. Alaska, Sarah Palin.
You may remember the increasingly irrelevant Mrs. Palin as the she-clown that the Republicans wanted commanding our nuclear arsenal if John McCain ever died. Now she spends her days taking pot shots at the president whenever she's worried that America has forgotten about her.
Anyway, here's the foreign policy nugget that she pooped out of her brain just last week on Facebook (the people's forum for all serious political thought):
It’s about time our president stood up for America and condemned these Islamic extremists. I realize there must be a lot on his mind these days – what with our economy’s abysmal jobless numbers and Moody’s new warning about yet another downgrade to our nation’s credit rating due to the current administration’s failure to come up with a credible deficit reduction plan. And, of course, he has a busy schedule – with all those rounds of golf, softball interviews with the “Pimp with the Limp,” and fundraising dinners with his corporate cronies. But our nation’s security should be of utmost importance to our Commander-in-chief. America can’t afford any more “leading from behind” in such a dangerous world. We already know that President Obama likes to “speak softly” to our enemies. If he doesn’t have a “big stick” to carry, maybe it’s time for him to grow one.
Even though she's saying, as the snarky political blog Wonkette pointed out, that she wishes the president had a larger penis, sticks literally do grow on trees. So whether she's making a figurative joke or a literal one, she wins—zing.
But if the president and all the pundits would just begin explaining all of foreign and domestic policy in terms of penis size—with huge troop increases and large stimulus packages—it might make the confusing facts all "go down easy," right Michelle?