Ex Marks the (G) Spot
My ex-boyfriend Clint opens the door in slacks and no shirt, having just stepped out of the shower. We hug and kiss in that friendly way, but as I smell his warm skin I let the embrace last a second longer than it should. I get excited again, like I did when we first started dating. And then, just as I try to pull myself way, I feel Clint squeezing me tighter, not letting go. My hands instinctively glide over his smooth, muscular back.
Seconds later our hands and mouths are racing over one another. We rip each other's clothes off as he slams the front door shut. Soon we're on the floor of his living room, fumbling through every imaginable position until I finally hit my peak… and then find that I'm actually alone at home. Or in bed with a trick. Or actually in Clint's arms wondering why we broke up in the first place.
Sex with an ex can be the hottest action in the world—whether that be in reality or just in your mind. Perhaps it’s because he knows exactly how to get you going. Another thought is that in our world of quick sexual connections, we rarely find a trick who also hits our emotional needs during sex, but an ex-boyfriend does hold an intimate connection so we can engage with him on a deeper level than we would with just any guy. And then there's the feeling that you’re doing something you know is bad for you, and yet that’s exactly why it’s so thrilling.
Whatever the case, I feel that attraction with Clint and a couple other ex-boyfriends, and here's how I keep things in perspective when navigating these wonky waters.
Don’t feel guilty about it.
Just because you broke up doesn’t mean everything about that relationship sucked. If the sex was good, then I embrace those memories.
Sex writers like Susie Bright point out that great sex starts in the head—your big head, that is— so if fantasies about your ex-boyfriend make your J/O sessions more satisfying then let your mind wander.
Studies show that lots of people fantasize about someone other than the person they’re having sex with, so with that in mind I think it's okay to sometimes fantasize about an ex (or anyone, really) during sex with someone else. But, I'm also very aware of how often I'm doing it. If it’s all the time with a current boyfriend, then that might be a red flag that something's not 100% right with the relationship. After all, if you're trying to be emotionally connected to another person you should be as present as possible in order to give him the respect and love he deserves. If there's a minor mental slip I don't think it's the end of the world, but if it becomes more frequent I try to see where things are lacking.
One word of advice, though: Don’t yell out your fantasy guy's name—ever— when you're doing it with someone else. You may think that only happens on TV or in the movies, but I've done it and created a ton of problems.
What if you’re actually hooking up with your ex?
Know yourself. No matter how amazing the sex was, if you’re still emotionally attached to him then don’t do it. Speaking from first-hand experience, it’ll just screw you up.
You should also know his state of mind. If he’s still in love/lust with you then don’t do it. A good lay is no excuse for screwing with someone’s emotions. Besides, it will just complicate your life in unnecessary ways.
And after that great sex, when I get wistful about what "might have been," I try to remember why we broke up because those issues are still there. Chances are good we won't fall madly in love again, so I just enjoy it for what it is—a trick. A really good trick, but a trick nonetheless. I go with the flow, don't get possessive, and don't set expectations.
Remember that this is just sex, and sex is a good thing. So if you can have sex with your ex, either in your imagination or in real life, then do it in a healthy way so that both of you can enjoy yourselves.