Lying About HIV: Risk Versus Rejection

The sting of rejection can be very sharp - no matter what the reason! All you have to do is take a look at these on line things, hook up sites, pick up bars, etc. and more often you'd think that being Gay was "a young persons affliction". With older, more mature, more experienced potentional partners being ignored or worse mis-treated because of it. With that said no matter your age, body type, muscles... Using your looks as a weapon is unsafe and unfair! Those who are 20 today will not be 30 years from now and I'd love to meet with them about their regrets from the past. Sadly some will never learn any and others will be the ones standing on the sidelines!
If your POZ and don't tell your partner- for what ever reason, maybe someone cheated you, failed to share? You have no right to pick and choose regardless of why/how you were infected. I'm sorry for your situation, I'm sure that the decisions you made then would be different.. But, things are what they are! There are groups, therapy, even new testing for anti-viral meds. But, don't risk looking someone who loves you because you've not allowed them to know. Please.. If you were my patient we'd look at the best way to explain your situation- together! Have hope that going about your relationship in the wrong order will cause it too fail. Love yourself and them as well.. Have hope. Best Wishes.

If you weren't all whores and got to know people first this wouldnt even be an issue...its called dating. You know, that thing your parents did before they had sex.

Its not about how you feel. It is about what is right. Plain and simple. If you are positive, say so BEFORE ANY SEXUAL ACT CAN OCCUR. It is a law for a reason. Honestly people. quit trying to kid yourselves. There is no grey area, there is no excuse, there is no exception. PERIOD.

I have herpes. It's more acceptable to have hiv than to have herpes. For everyone that plays bare, remember, hiv isn't the only thing out there. I'm more ashamed at having herpes than I would be at testing positive for hiv. To be relevant to the question in the article, people need to be honest about their various statuses when having sex.

To all the HIV+ guys (including JJT) who fear immediate rejection as soon as they disclose they are HIV+, I want to remind you that there are plenty of guys who will accept it and still want to have sex with you!
I am HIV-, but my friend told me he is poz and I still wanted to sleep with him. It just means we agree to have safe sex and understand the risks of everything we do together. We have fantastic sex and the HIV status is just one consideration we keep in mind.
So, go for it, disclose! The guys who run away are not GGG, and the sex probably wouldn't be that good anyway!

There is no script for how to reveal one's HIV status or inquire about another's HIV status. The trip is that many of us struggle to find that special someone. It is terrifying to think that that special someone may reject you because of + status. The notion and reality is cruel and psychologically sickening. That said, there ought to be more coalitions between positive and negative guys. This kind of thing needs to be discussed and brought out into the open. Positive is a reality for all gay men weather negative or positive status. I don't think there are any flat out answers and I feel for the guy telling the story. This is a dilemma that the WHOLE GAY COMMUNITY needs to address. And of course safety is something that should always be there before one knows all the intimate details of the others life. The truth be told though: the more forward, honest, and open from the beginning one can be the better for both! Blessed be all of us gays!

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JJT's reason for not disclosing to his partner from the very beginning are very flimsy to say the least. It's unfortunate, though, that he is likely to pay a very high price in the areas of either his freedom, finances and/or emotions when the truth comes out. I don't think his excuses for not disclosing are very valid. I do hope for JJT that his partner is extremely understanding and forgiving and moves beyond this and keeps the relationship or at the very least does not retaliate. I am not sure how I would react. Love can still sometimes conquer all. I still believe that it is everyone's responsibility to practice safer sex. Always assume that your new partner has a STD.

There are a lot of stealth pozzers out there they are everywhere with their toxic liquid ready for others, I have heard about them and watched the movie The Gift. Its def scary

Even though being HIV+ is more acceptable these days, still, a certain stigma is associated with it. The thing is, that as long as one is honest with oneself, things get better. Of course, you never know who you are dealing with when you encounter a new relationship. I was diagnosed back in 2003. I made a few mistakes for "love" and well, this is the end result. Any way, I learned to live with it and only those that need to know about it, know. When I was diagnosed, I went into a relationship. I now know that it was a lot for my partner, even though he loved me and wanted the best for me. After that relationship ended, I had a few one night stands, having safe sex. I never told them why I wanted it to be safe sex, just told them it was my choice. If neither one of us had a condom at the time, we just kissed and did what had to be done, without being too intimate. Then I met my current partner. I told him about my status on the second time we had a conversation. He didn't mind. Now we have been together for 5 years and he is still negative and I am undetectable. Like I said before, it just depends on the person you are telling.

Until this has happened to you then no one has the right to cast blame or make judgments.

I was negative until my late 20s despite having made some poor choices along the way (tested regularly). Then I met someone who didn't tell me until we were already in the middle of sex so what was one supposed to do at that point? Needless to say I am now positive and have been so for almost 10 years. And yes I tell - usually on the first or second date - and yes it is not uncommon to be rejected because of it. So I see both sides of the coin and can understand why there wasn't any disclosure until it got to the point they were going to have sex - then there definitely should have been disclosure for sure.

And for anyone who says that being told in the first 3 minutes is too much info or too soon - it's not that you're told to run you off or that it's too much info, it's so that we can get it out of the way and move on to more important topics without wasting time on someone who is going to reject someone outright just because of their status.

this is sooooooo simple that its not even funny now ,,,why it has ta turn inta this monster that yall are makin it now !! fur those of yall that are positive ,,,,remember how yall felt when ya found out that yad been lied ta & that someone had cheated or lied ta yall as well ,,,didnt like it did ya !! & now ta all the negative guys out there ,,,we really cant pitcure what anyone that is POZ really does go thru,,& really now how many of ya NEG guys have RUN from a guy that is POZ !!

In the context of Informed consent people should tell their partners about their alleged "HIV" status however, in the new age where corrupt scientists like Robert Gallo, Luc Montagnier, Anthony Fauci, and the elite members of the corrupt Center's for Disease Control.. EVERYONE is a victim of the global criminal enterprise often called the "HIV industry".

Laws that are suppose to protect people actually destroy them, when a person tests (antibody positive) rather than "HIV Positive" on a Robert Gallo antibody test kit, lives are turned upside down, families torn apart, jobs are taken away, and you can find yourself thrown in jail for having 'antibody immunity' to a retrovirus that has no fact in epidemiology or science, which goes against the Orwellian "AIDS Speak" of the new age.

The Office of Medical Scientific Justice (OMSJ) is on your side, trying to over throw some shady-worded laws on the books for those who are claimed to be"'HIV" positive. In a lot of states "Informed Consent" is neither here nor there, you can disclose and your partner can lie and claim that you did not tell and you can be handcuffed and toted off to jail for as long as 99 years.

articles like this are all too common however, understandable with the exception of exposing the global fraud of using "HIV" antibody test kits with human blood. All formats of "HIV" test kits have never been vaildated or verified with the "Gold Standard" (HIV) and there is not even one published peer reviewed study in the vast medical literature that proves the validation of any "HIV" test kit by means of direct "HIV"/Viral Isolation, therefore cannot show that anyone is or ever has been "HIV" antibody RNA or DNA positive.

When I see guys rejecting guys for their alleged "HIV" status it's not only sad but shows how much they think they know about this 'thing' we have all been spoonfed "HIV/AIDS". It has become more trendy in google alerts to see at least 20 straight men a week to be "jailed for Immunity" for not telling their girlfriends, wives and partners, and each state has laws so poorly written that even proving to the jury that there is no proof of "infection" by so called "HIV" testing doesn't even matter, what matters is that you didn't tell...now those lives too are turned upside-down and those innocent women will succumb to the dubious antibody test paradigm.

The "HIV" House of Numbers is crumbling and we will see an explosion of scientific misnomers, contradictions, and hopefully better news as OMSJ exposes the Criminal Enterprise for what it is.

The liars and those that blame the one victimized by the lie for not asking a liar his status fail ethics epically! Open a book and read something about what it means to be ethical.

You are just digging yourself in deeper. He is going to find out eventually so why not just get it over with and tell him.

First things first: I am HIV+. I also get a little bullheaded when these discussions come up.

Every guy that I've had sex with after I was diagnosed has been informed of my status. Doesn't matter if it's someone I met at the market, at the laundromat or online, I always reveal my status. It's my responsibility to inform a sexual partner.

With the rates that HIV infections are rising and occurring in all communities (straight, gay, lesbian, bi, transgender), I think it's time that both parties know, prior to any sexual act, what each other's status is. It's time to use protection. If that's a deal breaker, then so be it.

In this day an age, it shouldn't be a problem to for each party in any kind of sexual situation to honestly reveal their status. This disease has been killing people for the last 30 years. It's time we all took responsibility for ourselves.

I have several friends who assume that any prospective sexual partner might be HIV+ or have some other STD. Is this the best way to live? I don't know. But when your life is on the line, when you can get a life threatening virus from just one sexual encounter, a virus that you could give to every person you have sex with from that day forward, maybe it's worth it to change the way we think.

After rambling on, let me sum it up this way: if you're going to have sex, share your status, positive or negative. If you're going to have sex, use protection. If you're dating, definitely reveal your status (+ or -) before you have sex.

If we're ever going to get this epidemic under control, we need to talk about it.

Ommiting the truth is still lying yes I am POZ 44 yo been POZ for 13 years and have been open about my HIV status to friends & family ever since
I got lucky and had my family helping me thru my roughest times not like JJT who had his family turn on him
so while I can understand his lack of forthcommingness to his partner I can only hope that when he does inform his partner that they are still stronger together and that he can understand
as for me I will keep informing my possible sexual contacts know that they will be kept as safe as they desire to be ( thank god for fullbody condoms LOL)

A few years ago I met this really hot guy at a party. He was from the east coast, I was from the west, there was a lot of attraction. After talking all night about everything (but sex), we made out a little and exchanged numbers. The following few days we met up, had lunch, talked about family, careers, metaphysics, etc. The guy was a catch. During this time, we made out some more but never got to f##king. Lots of oral and passion. I'm a top, he said he was as well, so anal wasn't much on the table. A few weeks pass and his roommate situation becomes stressful. I know his housemate so I can sypmathize. He starts spending more time at my place and I'm envisioning a longtime future with this guy. One night in bed, he asks me to top him. I said cool and reached for a condom. He said that he didn't like condoms and that as long as I was clean that I didn't have to use it. I asked him when his last test was and he said "a while ago." I asked why he didn't have a recent test (they are free and easily attainable in my city, Portland, Oregon) and his response and reasoning floored me. "Well, I don't really need one. I don't think they're accurate." I questioned further and was told that 7 or 8 years earlier he had tested positive, but he was sure that he wasn't. I said, then why didn't you test again if you think it was a mistake? He made a few excuses and finally said that he went inside himself spiritually, did a cleaning, and destroyed any viruses that were in his body. Then he kissed me and asked me to top him again. Well, needless to say, I was stunned and not aroused at all.

How could someone I was falling in love with, and I thought was falling for me, neglect to tell me this and then ask me to not use protection? I'd dated other HIV+ guys in the past so that wasn't the issue. It was that he was in denial, and if I let it, it could greatly change my life and my health. He then got pissed that I wasn't aroused. Actually I was angry. He stopped talking, rolled over and went to sleep.

The next day I brought up the subject again and tried to persuade him to get tested so we could both make better informed decisions when it came to sex. He refused. We kind of fell away from each other at that point. The romance was gone. We were friends for a few more months and then he moved on and out.
If he lied to me (even if by omission) about this, what else wasn't he telling me? After he had moved away, several people in the community, over time, gave me his back story. Being rejected by his very religious family for being gay, being accepted again and then rejected when he told them he was positive, and his many years of being into and doing other things that don't pertain to his hive status, but would still be important to know when building a life with someone. His fear of rejection might explain his hesitancy of disclosing his status, but it's still not a good excuse. When he left me, he moved in with another guy that had shown some interest in the past. They broke up after having a lot of unprotected sex when a friend told this guy about his new lovers hiv. The guy he moved in with DID ask and was told that he was negative.

Call it denial, call it lies, say that it's up to both parties to ask, however you want to put it, if you have hiv, you SHOULD tell your partner BEFORE you have anal sex OR swap cum. The same should be said if you are aware of having anything else that could be passed along (like herpes).

To all of you hiv- guys who would be so morally outraged if you were with an hiv+ guy and he didn't tell you. Guess what, it has already happened. Even if the guy told you he was neg, guess what, guys lie.

At some point, guys need to understand that they are responsible for their own health. Part of that is understanding that you can not just take some guys word about his status.

I think part of JJT's problem is that etiquette does not define when is the proper time to tell a potential boyfriend of you status. Some guys will tell you within 3 minutes of meeting them that they are positive. That comes across as too much information or a guy who is just trying to scare you away because he finds you undesirable. Then there are guys like JJT who wait until they are in a relationship to disclose. I think the right time to disclose is when you are at first base. Before first base it is too much information. At second base, it becomes a lie by omission and possibly a chargeable offense.

Everything seems to be so simple for all those people who dare to judge their neighbours ...
I would understand the other guy's fury and he would be entitled tobreak and leave at once but, we, the neighbours, have no right to say what is right or wrong. This is a private matter between 2 adults. Putting it on a legal level will not solve anything.

I am HIV negative, however I have had genital warts (HPV) and there is no guarantee that I can't pass them on to someone else. Even though I haven't had a wart in over 8 years.

I personally feel a responsibility to tell any potential sexual partner that I have had them and of the potential risk. Even though HPV is the most common STD and most gay men have HPV and don't know it because they don't have visible warts.

The boyfriend should have been told about the HIV status before sex occurred, in my opinion. It is their right to know.

As another HIV+ man, I cannot condone not telling him even before making out on that first date.

While I totally agree that many people don't ask and apparently don't want to know, this was not an "anonymous sex" sort of situation and as mentioned, even if it were, there may be legal ramifications.

However, what's done is DONE and you can't change the past. All you can do is become more honest now, and remain more honest and accept the consequences. If he really loves you, and you really love him, you should be able to work through this. It might not be easy, but the real possibility is there.

It always amazes me how so many people who presume they themselves are negative, or even test to assure themselves, don't ask, don't seem to care, or foolishly delude themselves that others they fool around with are negative and don't play safe.

It sounds like you desperately want to do the right thing. I think you know what the right thing is. I trust you'll do it.

Eddie

let me start this with a bit of my back ground i met my lover and fell hard for him we started seeing each ofter rate away then 6 months into the relationship we were lying in bed reading the extra on the page of people who had passed away.thats when he turn to me and ask if i knew anyone who had hiv and i had said not really i heard about a friend but they never told me so i couldnt really say that i knew anyone thats when he looked at me and said know you do and i was like what are you talking about how could you do this to me what do you do get someone to fall in love with you and then tell them so they wont leave you well having safe sex with him a condom had broke and i went to the doctor and found out that i had it he has snice passed away but he took away my right to choose if i wanted to be with him had he been honest from the start i still would have been with him as at lease i knew and could protect ourselfs well snice then anyone i meet i tell them rate away so they have the chocie to stay or go and most of the time they stay and alot of them dont. but were so inpressed that i was up front with them they took the chance with me even tho they didnt have it. it is a hard thing to have to tell anyone but the sooner its out of the way the better it well be some well say they dont want to be involed with me but want to be friends as they saw me as a good person and respected me that i could be up front about it so what iam trying to say what you have done is taken away his choice of being with you iam sorry to say this but if he leaves you or even worst takes legal action agaist you. you have no one to blame but yourself i do hope it turns out good for you. i just hope he dont beat you or something like that I hope you learn to be upfront about yourself and you ll find that the right guy well be with you because he respects you for being upfront and giving him the choice that way youll never have to worry about getting invole with someone then haveing to tell them your hiv and youll be a better person for doing the right thing its up to you to be honest even if there not i hope this helps you in the futher and really hope things work out for you but dont be surprized if he leaves you

Brutal, blunt: If the guy didn't ask, he assumed Positive (or he is greatly naive). It could easily be he is Positive also, and they can have a good laugh. IF he is Negative, just dive in, lay it on the table. Like I said, I would have assumed since he didn't ask, he was positive. The full disclosure is going to have to come out, the sooner the better at this point. The point here is that NEITHER asked. Truthfully, I wouldn't believe someone who told me Negative, for in reality, they may not know they are positive (too soon to show up on a test...), and yes, I suppose I may be too negative in attitude.

I know this article is about being in a sexual relationship, but going to the core, my partner and I reconnected with a dear friens that had moved away for many years. he returned and of course we welcomed him back into out lifes and our home, we were raising my nephew. We all decided to go to an amusement park, our friend fell ans was bleeding, my nephew decided to administer some first aid, typical wiping and a band aid, no of us thinking it was done with out the use of latex gloves. totally unknown to any of of use our friend had AIDS. Our friend never informed us that he did, it never came to out attention until he passed away 2 yrs later. We should have been informed by our friend, we needed to us precautions, although the risk was low, my nephew being a typical boy, had cuts and scrapes on him most of the time, people need to know and although some rejection may occur, which i say is sad, but people need to be informed so that they are allowed to make a conscience decision as to what they choose to do. we would have never turned our backs on our friend

I think there are some useful comments here from everyone. The bottom line is you have to tell him your status. I don't actually agree with the way the counsellor suggests you frame it. That immediately constrains by suggesting your partner should regard it as a route into deeper intimacy. It won't necessarily be. It could be the route to break up. By the way, one thing that puzzles me from your account is that you know he is free of stds. How is that the case, if he doesn't have std information about you?

I know it hurts, but you must always tell the person from the start. That is the price one pays for coming into contact with it. Those you get seriously involved with, you want them to be okay with it. It may take time, but when it comes to relationships it is no longer about you. You should be giving your all to him. This may hurt him, but that is also the undoing from not telling him at the start. Try to talk it out with him and do not give up. If you were meant to be this will not get in the way. Do not let your fears manipulate you. You have to do this for him.

If you are starting out the relationship with a lie don't really expect it get better. First you trap the poor guy into the emotional part of the relationship, then you hook him financially, and then spring on him you HIV status. I am thinking that is a pretty cruel game.. Something far beyond issues of "fear of rejection". This is just complete lack of human respect for that poor guy. I hope you are planning to pay this guys therapy bill because what you are doing is really f'ed up. Granted you both read needy on extreme ends of the spectrum, but I would be really pissed when I found this out. And your problems are more than just your HIV...

Oh God; here we go. All those HIV-s saying you're a liar and a cheat and you should have told him. Hello, there are two people in this relationship. If the partner never asked the question, then he is almost as much to blame. JJT didn't lie, he just failed to disclose something that he was never asked about and which apparently didn't bother his partner before.

I think you should have been up front with him. I personally would be really pissed off, even with the protected sex. If you kept that from a person may love, do love...whatever...what else would you keep from him..Its like lying to me...deceit never looks good.

I understand your plight. But you must be forth right and honest about your status. The first guy I was with, lied about being HIV+. When I found out I was beyond furious, I severed all contact. I could no longer trust anything he said. If I know going into a relationship of my partners status, it is a known situation and an open dialog between to adults. If I am kept in the dark and my partner is less than truthful, the relationship is doomed from the start. Don't trap someone, so you can avoid dealing with your fears of being alone, be a man!