Dear Richard: Bony Bootie Boy Looks to Bulk Up

By: Dear Dick

Dear Richard,

My bum is flat and bony. I’m not exaggerating. When I stand in profile I look like a tall stick. There’s not one inch of padding back there. It really bothers me, because I’ve always wanted more beef on me, not just on the ass but everywhere. Instead, I’m practically skeletal. I don’t have an eating disorder, I’m just seriously skinny. The men who hit on me and ask me out don’t seem to have a problem with the way I look, but I do.

Anyway, some friends have suggested I try steroids or human growth hormone to build myself up. That makes me a bit nervous, but I see guys who do it and they look amazing. Protein powder kind of works for me, but I have to use a ton and it sometimes upsets my stomach. I’ve been wondering if I should just use that padded underwear they make so I at least look better in jeans. Is that false advertising?

Jack Skellington

Dear Jack,

Padded underwear that can be bought today is much better than it was even two years ago. So yes, you could buy a pair and probably fool some dude who was checking out your jeans. That said, the men who would cruise you based on a fake, padded bum would probably be annoyed once you unveiled the truth. It's the same for guys who wear Spanx-style clothing to hold in or mold their mid-sections. If you go out acting like you've got a porn body and that proves to be a manipulated look, chances are good the other guy won't like it.

Should you use steroids or human growth hormone? If they're not prescribed by a doctor then they are illegal, and there's a reason for that; without medical supervision you could be doing bad stuff that harms your body. Obviously guys do them all the time, but that doesn't mean they're a smart or safe option. Nor are they necessarily dangerous. But that's the point: You don't know. If you're going to go down that road to score a fabulously ripped body— with all the mood swings and back-acne and sudden hair growth and possible bulldog face that go with it— then loop your doctor in. Man gay guys have a gay or lesbian doctor so that they can discuss their entire life without fear of judgment. So for your own well-being, let he or she know what's going on so you can get all the facts.

If you're really troubled by your body, then your best option is to work out naturally. Hire a trainer, if possible, who knows your goals and sets you on that path. If you don't have the money for a trainer, find a friend who knows what he's doing and who has the similar goal of bulking up and make a pact to work out together. A nutritionist will be able to advise you on getting the right amounts of protein so you don't have to use all those powders and supplements that can irritate the body (and bowels).

But Jack, why you doing any of this? You say yourself that guys are hitting on you and asking you out just as you are. Isn't that enough? It should be. If it isn't, then no amount of steroids or padded bootie shorts are going to make the difference.

Enjoy being angular. Some people are round, some aren’t, some are thick, some are thin—and they all seem to find men who find them attractive. So before you go changing the bony body God gave you, learn to appreciate it. You may decide you're find just the way you are.

Dear Richard is not a medical doctor, a licensed psychiatrist, a counselor, a reverend, or a rabbi. He has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the BBC, and his words are not intended to diagnose or treat any condition. The information is for educational purposes only and it not intended to serve as medical advice.

Dear Richard does, however, love hearing from you and answering your questions. Leave a comment or send him an e-mail.