O Holy Fright! Holiday Worst-Case Scenarios & Solutions
Since you're Mamma's little angel — but we all know in reality that you're not — what should you do when faced with a “worst possible scenario” during the holidays?
From getting too wild at a gay bar on Christmas Eve to dealing with your right-wing relative, we've got some crazy situations alongside some equally thoughtful ways of handling the madness. These aren't necessarily options you should take; in fact, to make the holidays go smoother you should probably lay off the drink and keep your wits about. But in our "what if" world, we thought these 10 horrible scenarios were worth checking out.
1. You go a little crazy and hook up Christmas Eve. Perhaps in a seedy ally before actually making it to the guy's apartment. By the time you awaken and do the "walk of shame" back to your parents' house, Christmas gifts have all been opened. What's your excuse?
“Mom, Dad… I realized last night that the true spirit of Christmas is unselfish giving. So I stopped by the Midnight Mission and helped the homeless for hours. Hours. Hence the smell of alcohol. And funk... And the rug burns on my knees.”
2. It's your first Christmas with the new boyfriend and you realize he's not the love of your life. You want to break up. No, you need to break up. How do you do it?
Walk into the room, shocked, and say, "My parents just informed me that I'm Mormon... and I want into that third-level of heaven. I'm out. Peace! Yes, this might seem flimsy at first, but we've all met an f-ed up, sexually confused Mormon, so your chances of making this believable are pretty good."
3. After a bit too much Christmas wine, the spirits are flowing high between you and the in-laws. Unfortunately, in an attempt to be witty, you out your boyfriend as being a big ol' bottom to his family. How do you salvage things?
This is caused because you're an idiot who can't handle his liquor, so do a preemptive strike. Get a prescription for Antabuse — which makes you painfully sick if you drink booze — and shut up, big mouth.
4. Your boyfriend goes into the kitchen to help get the meal ready, so his father and brothers invite you outside to drink beers and toss the football. You hate sports. You suck at them, and you really don't want to look like a nelly queen in front of the new family. What to do?
Be honest. Tell the guys how gay football is. Google the phrase "football is gay" and show them all the photos that come up. Offer to instruct them on yoga exercises instead.
5. Your mother-in-law's famous side dish that everyone loves, actually tastes so bad you may puke. How do you handle it?
Find that damn dog and make him your best friend.
6. Your in-laws give you a big, furry, ugly Christmas sweater. What do you do?
Save the sweater and wear it with black tights, heels, and a big wig for your act at next year’s Cracked Xmas for The Trevor Project.
7. The drunk uncle starts talking about fags at dinner. You counter by...
…telling that funny story about what his son, cousin Bruce, and you did to entertain each other during all those sleep overs. It’s a knee-slapper.
8. You and the boyfriend decide to get a little frisky in the car outside your parents house, and your dad catches both of you with your pants down. Literally. You say?
“Dad! It’s a frostbite cure! I swear!”
9. You pick up a trick, get frisky in the car, but a police officer catches you in the act.
Invite him to join in!
10. Okay, let's assume that doesn't work because: A) He's not as hot as this guy, and B) well, it's illegal. So you get arrested for indecent exposure. How do you explain this to the parents?
“Well, you see, it’s like a winter version Chinese Fire Drill — which is a totally racist name and I know that but, Dad, you have to admit you're a little racist so I'm trying to speak your language. Anyway, instead of getting out and running around the car, you both try to exchange your underwear as quickly as possible. Harmless fun. All the kids are doing it.”